Gingerbread Houses and Mission Impossible

Last week, Sugarloaf called me up to invite me to a gingerbread house making party. I had nothing else going on so I agreed to go. TheCaptain and my old friend Fireman were also there. Initially, Sugarloaf called me because there was going to be a shortage of guys there. Instead, Sugarloaf had a date there and Fireman had a date there while TheCaptain and I were flying solo. And most of the people there were either married or engaged. So TheCaptain and I did what we do best: we screwed around. We built the worst gingerbread house in the history of gingerbread houses (no structural integrity, taller than the others using gummy bears and toothpicks, no Christmas theme). When they voted, ours received zero votes (because you couldn't vote for your own, what a dumb rule).

I was getting ready to go when Sugarloaf's roommate asked me a few legal questions. His date was named Flora. I thought Flora was cute but it wasn't until we started talking that I really felt like there could be a connection there. One of the first things I noticed was that Flora was excellent at conversation. Also, as she made a comment that only pertained to me, she looked at me and winked. I could have been seeing things. But I discovered that Flora lives in another state and this was a blind date with Sugarloaf's roommate. In other words, there was a chance. I asked Sugarloaf to get some information on Flora from his roommate so that possibly I could ask her out on a date. Unfortunately, Sugarloaf never got back to me.

On Friday night, we celebrated Cowboy's birthday. As we were leaving the movie theater, I noticed a guy with orange shoes waiting for someone. I thought nothing of it until we were driving out of the parking lot. There was Flora walking with orange shoes guy. They were on a date. This was both good and bad. Good because it meant Sugarloaf's roommate was nowhere near sealing the deal. Bad because guy with orange shoes could potentially be sealing the deal. Seriously, for the rest of my life I am going to have a hard time trusting anyone with orange shoes.

On Christmas day, Samsonite sent me a text asking how my Christmas was going. Initially, I had no intention of responding. But, I am a nice guy so I responded and we texted back and forth a bit. It was all pleasantries and no substance. That sort of texting really bothers me. I generally text with a purpose. After a few rounds of going nowhere, I grew tired of it and didn't text her back (her last text read something like "I did have a good Christmas! I am glad that you did too. :)" Don't even get me started on her misuse of exclamation points. And the smiley face at the end? It serves no purpose.

On Monday, Lolita called and suggested I go visit her older brother with her. Lolita's older brother and I have been friends since high school but we hadn't seen each other for a few years. We went over to his place and ended up having a blast. His wife came home and was like "Are you guys dating?" to which Lolita quickly replied "No, we are just friends." It was that funny kind of awkward that you kinda laugh at and cringe at simultaneously.

On Tuesday night, Samsonite texted me to ask if I had seen the new Mission Impossible movie because it was great. I replied that I had and I enjoyed it. Then... nothing. I guess I don't know what to expect but to get a random text like that with no follow up is so weird to me. Today I managed to find Flora on Facebook and I learned a couple of useful nuggets about her. I added her as a friend on facebook. My plan is to wait for her to accept my add and then send her a message saying that it was fun meeting her and suggesting we do something together some time. Too forward? Not forward enough? Too stalkerish? Not stalkerish enough?

Christmas Party

So Samsonite bailed on my work Christmas party. About the same time, I received a random phone call from Lolita. Lolita and I used to date several years ago and we have been friends ever since. Lolita had been dating a guy for the past two years and she told me they had broken up. While fretting over who to ask, Lolita kept coming up.

Background on Lolita: Lolita and I became fast friends while on a hiking trip that I attended with her older brother. A few nights into the trip, Lolita and I shared an unexpected kiss. We were both really attracted to each other but due to circumstance, a long term relationship was not possible. Still, I have always felt super comfortable with Lolita. So I called her up and asked her to go with me.

Lolita showed up looking fantastic. We headed off to the fancy restaurant. I knew Lolita could handle meeting all my coworkers and dealing with a long dinner party as my guest. And she did great. She didn't get jealous when I talked to my coworkers. She jumped in and agreed with me when I argued that adultery was considered less of a bad thing in this country than lying. It was good that Lolita was there because after the dinner, I felt super embarrassed that I had maybe spoken too loudly in front of the other attorneys or been obnoxious. I didn't have to worry because Lolita is not the kind of person that would ever judge me for that sort of behavior.

I didn't hear from Samsonite for over a week. I had a decision to make. Text/call her again and risk looking like the kind of guy that gets walked over or just let it die. I always lean a little more towards being the guy that gets walked over. So I sent her a text saying that even though she wasn't responding to my texts, I hoped things were going well for her and that I had fun when I was with her. She responded the next day with some bull excuse about how she had been so busy at work, she barely had time to breathe. At first, it seemed positive. I knew that she had been working 14 hour days and that she was under a lot of pressure. But then, I remembered that I had seen several facebook posts from her over the past week. And, she certainly didn't work on Sunday. So I decided to not text her back.

Spinning Wheels

On Friday, I had my second date with Tosh. We doubled with a couple in my ward. Tosh was pretty easy to talk to and seemed to have fun on the date. After dinner, we played a board game at my house. I learned on the date that Tosh is a huge sports fan. We actually had a very interesting conversation about our favorite sports teams. However, after the date, I haven't felt any interest in taking her out again. Perhaps it was the comments from the married couple that her and I just didn't seem to click. Or maybe it was just that while Tosh is cute, she isn't really what I want.

On Saturday, I ended up going over to Samsonite's house to watch a movie. We clicked a lot more than we had previously and ended up hanging out together until way late. 2:45 in the morning, to be more precise. We hung out again on Sunday night. I was feeling pretty good about things, so I asked her to my company Christmas party. She accepted and everything seemed good. Then last night, she texted and said her mom had given her a ticket to an event on the same night and she didn't feel like she could turn her mom down on them. I was extremely frustrated. First off, the event is not something cool. Second off, she had already made plans with me. Clearly I am not as high of a priority in her life as I thought I might be. Am I done with Samsonite because of this? Well, no. I still want to spend more time with her. But could something like that break a budding relationship? Absolutely. My interest in Samsonite has waned. And I find myself four days before the party without a date and not feeling like there is anyone I can ask.

Worst Date Ever (but not what you think) or An unexpected second date

On Thursday, I went on a first date with Tosh. I met Tosh at a party a few weeks ago. One of the things I can immediately tell while talking with Tosh is that she is a very intelligent person. The conversation flowed. After grabbing dinner, we decided to go see The Muppets Movie. I am still a bit on the fence about how attracted to Tosh I am. But we had fun and I am going to go out with her again this weekend.

On Friday, I had a blind date with Beaver (get your mind out of the gutter). My aunt set me up with Beaver. I was a bit hesitant, since I didn't feel like I really clicked with Beaver on the phone. When I picked her up, I thought she was better looking than in her photos. We grabbed some Indian food. There were a couple of moments where the conversation got out of hand, mostly because I was peppering Beaver with too many questions and I think Beaver started feeling like she was being interviewed. Still, dinner went well and we were both having fun. I didn't have anything else planned, so I suggested that we just go back to my house to see my Christmas tree. It wasn't a ploy to hook up, I just thought it was a simple activity that we could go do and then I could take her home.

As we were driving, I mentioned that I used to work at Walmart. Beaver went silent for a few seconds before asking "Did you used to hate country music?" "Umm, that's a really odd question, where did that come from?" I responded. "Just answer the question." "Yeah, I used to hate country music, I like it now, but growing up I didn't like it." So Beaver says to me "We have been out on a date before."

My first response was that no, we have not been out on a date. She must be confusing me with someone else. Then Beaver starts rattling off details about this date. None of them clicked with me. Finally she says that we had doubled with my roommate that was a cop. Gratefully, I explained to her that I had never had a roommate that was a cop and that she was just mistaken. Then she said he was a redhead... I got nervous. My redheaded roommate Bill was working as a prison guard while training to become a cop. But that was before he got married 8 1/2 years ago. Could I have possibly been on a date with Beaver 9 years ago and just forgotten about it? But I still wasn't convinced. So Beaver mentioned that I had put a gun in my mouth on the date (one time, a long time ago, as a joke, I remember putting my roommate's gun in my mouth). Then Beaver told me where she had used to leave and it all clicked for me. I remembered the date (although not all the details). It had been a blind date. While at dinner, I was frustrated with how uptight the girl was so I asked the girl if she ever wore a bikini. She looked at me and said "That is an inappropriate question and I am not going to answer it." And then she basically shut down. I should have taken her home right then. You can't recover from something like that. But no, in the wisdom of my youth, I kept trying. We finished dinner (FAIL), we went to the bowling alley (FAIL), we went back to my house to watch a movie (FAIL), I tried to cuddle with her (FAIL) and as I dropped her off, I shook her hand and said "Well, this was interesting" (FAIL). It wasn't a great date for me but as it turns out, it was Beaver's worst date ever.

So now, 9 years later, we are in my car. Beaver is laughing and I am awkwardly cringing at each detail from our first date. I apologized numerous times. And I did what I should have done 9 years ago: I took Beaver home. This time, I gave her a hug (and jokingly told her that this was interesting). She said that she looked forward to our next date in 9 years.

On Saturday, I hung out with Samsonite. We went to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. It was fun (I get along with Samsonite so much better when Gonzo is not around) but mostly uneventful. It's hard to see much of a future with the emotional damage that Samsonite has. But at least right now I have options.

Swallowing my pride or being swallowed by pride

After a little more thought, I decided maybe I would give Samsonite another chance. So I asked her out again. Her response, via text, was that she needed to be honest and that she wasn't ready to start dating. This was on Monday. I was extremely frustrated so I called up three new girls and scheduled dates for Thursday night, Friday night and potentially Saturday night (one of the girls might be going out of town). What have I got to lose, right?

Yesterday, I received a random text from Jewel. After three months of no contact, other than a random call which I didn't answer a few weeks ago, Jewel wanted to know how I was and if we could go to lunch. I rolled my eyes but agreed. So Jewel and I had lunch today. I didn't expect any substance in our conversation and none was given. We spent most of the lunch arguing about whether to end the war on drugs. And then lunch was over and she dropped me off back at my office. I didn't give her a hug. We didn't talk about why we broke up. We didn't talk about dating. She sent me a text after saying she had fun and that she really hopes we can be friends. Friends? Really?

Last night, Samsonite texted me to suggest we go shopping together. Shopping? Really? Am I just a really good friend to these girls? Are they hoping to keep me around while they get their crap together or are they just latching on to me like barnacles? I guess I can't complain too much, since I agreed to have lunch with Jewel and I agreed to go shopping (for Christmas) with Samsonite this weekend. It has me thinking about littlebrother. He has some of the flakiest friends. It's not just a coincidence, his easy going attitude attracts flaky people. Perhaps it's my easy going attitude that attracts flaky girls. But these girls aren't flaky about showing up to stuff when they say they will; they are flaky about committing to anything. I suppose it's my curse for not dating House.

Unwanted Drama

So last night, Samsonite and I agreed to get together. Her really good friend Gonzo was in town so I thought it might be me playing third wheel for most of the night. I was wrong. It was Samsonite that played third wheel to Gonzo and I. From the moment we met in the restaurant, Gonzo stole the show. She started asking me question after question and nitpicking at my answers. She talked and talked and talked and talked. There were times where I felt like I had no part in the conversation. Attempting to keep up with the intensity of Gonzo, I shifted gears. I almost made an inappropriate joke but stopped myself. However, I let it slip out that I had almost said something inappropriate. Both Samsonite and Gonzo were like "no, come on, it's just us, there is nothing you could say that would be inappropriate." So, I told them what it was. Talk about vicious. They attacked like a couple of starving wolves attacking a deer carcass. At that point, I gave up. I was stunned at how awful things were going.

As we were leaving, I thought I was free and clear. But no, I had no escape plan. Gonzo wanted to see my house. So they followed me home and I gave them the grand tour.

Sample conversation number 1:

Gonzo: Your tree needs to be in the middle of the window.

Me: I kinda like it where it is.

G: Well, you are wrong. Isn't he wrong Samsonite?

Samsonite: You are wrong Tripp, your tree needs to be in the middle of the window.

M: Well, thanks for your concern, but there are reasons why I placed it where I did and I want it to stay there.

G: You are wrong. Your tree needs to be in the middle of the window.

Sample conversation number 2:

G: Oh my gosh! You have tickets to the football game! Oh my gosh, can I buy one off of you?

M: No, they aren't for sale.

G: Come on! I will give you $20 for this ticket right now.

M: Umm, actually I paid $85 per ticket and I really want to go to that game.

G: Come on! I will give you $20 for this ticket right now.

I was annoyed. Gonzo started peppering me with questions again. I attempted to answer and she shot back with "All I heard was blah blah blah, I'm really insecure, blah blah blah." At that point, I should have just kicked her out of my house. Samsonite did nothing to defend me. So I tried defending myself, explaining what I meant. I was on my best behavior because I have had fun with Samsonite and I thought there could be some major potential there.

So Gonzo starts into this diatribe of how Mormon guys are all gatherers when they should all be hunters. I gave a couple of valid points that were shot down by both Gonzo and Samsonite (Samsonite remained relatively quiet through most of the conversation). At that point, I wanted them both out of my house, I made a mental note to myself that Samsonite would not be getting another phone call from me. Nevertheless, they were still in my house and I had no way to get them to leave. So the awkwardness continued. Gonzo was mean, Samsonite was mostly silent (except for an occasional laugh at something Gonzo said, just to sort of prove that she was on the same page as Gonzo on just about every topic). Finally, at 12:45, they left my house. Gonzo offered up a half-hearted apology on the way out the door. Samsonite stuck up for me a total of 1 time the entire night but it somehow felt enough to redeem her from throwing me under the bus the other 10 times.

Today I got a text from Samsonite asking if I wanted to go get pizza with them. Umm, no. A minute later, I got a text from Gonzo offering another apology. It seemed sincere so I accepted the apology and apologized to her if I had said something mean last night. Gonzo replied with "I don't need an apology. I wasn't offended, one has to be insecure to be offended." Oh how my blood boiled. I considered sending a profanity laced response that would surely put Gonzo in her place. But I realized that no matter what I wrote back to Gonzo, it would fail. No matter how accurately I described her insecurities or lack of manners and mean spirit, it would only make me look more insecure in both her eyes and Samsonite's eyes. So I told her that the apology was unaccepted. Gonzo gave some snide remark back about how she was only doing it to be a good friend to Samsonite. Can't imagine a lot of scenarios where I will be taking Samsonite out again.

Introducing Samsonite

Last night I had my first date with Samsonite. I met her last weekend at a party. I didn't get her number at the party but I added her as a friend on Facebook that night and then asked for her number via Facebook. It's not ideal but it worked.

I picked Samsonite up and immediately thought she was cuter than I remembered from meeting her before. That's always a good sign. The conversation never seemed to lag during dinner. Samsonite and I have the same sense of humor (quirky and a little off-colored) so it went well. Initially I hadn't planned on doing anything after dinner (since first dates are best left short) but I was really digging Samsonite so I took her to my house so we could watch a movie. It was super easy and natural to start cuddling with Samsonite. Sometimes I am not sure if other girls are just more awkward or if they just don't want to cuddle with me. Not that I am a cuddle slut. But a few minutes into the movie, Samsonite and I were cuddling. We did a bit of tickling and ended up making out. It had been way too long. I definitely want to do something with Samsonite again soon. The funny thing is, today as I rehashed our date, I kept wondering whether Samsonite was actually interested in me. I guess there must have been a couple of moments during the date when I felt unsure (these moments were probably not when we were kissing), although I can't put my finger on exactly what moments they were.

Tweak called me on the phone this week and gave me two phone numbers of girls that he thinks I should go out with (and that agreed to be set up with me). A coworker offered to set me up with his sister this week (unsolicited). Also, my aunt called me to suggest I get set up with her friend's little sister. After 6 weeks of no dates, having a dating pool of 6 or 7 girls feels a bit overwhelming. Of course, it's the good kind of overwhelming.

Speed Dating

Over the weekend, I went speed dating. After a significant dating hiatus, my hopes weren't too high of meeting anyone. A couple friends of mine were doing this speed dating event to launch their new dating website. Since I honestly had nothing better to do (and secretly since I thought speed dating might be a little fun), I headed over. The first thing I noticed was the disparity between guys and girls. There were more than twice as many girls as guys there.

I awkwardly took a seat. There were actually a few cute girls there. Not dream girls. But girls that had some potential. For whatever reason, I didn't feel intimidated. So I started talking... lots. Rather than give the usual rundown of who I am and where I am from and what I do, I tried to avoid those subjects and focus on just being fun. See, one of the biggest struggles I have on dates is because of my dating resume. I subconsciously feel as if I am in a job interview and I need to make sure that the interviewer knows that not only do I have multiple degrees but that they were obtained from prestigious institutions. The problem is, dating is not like job interviews. In job interviews, being subtle is often a negative. In dating, being subtle is the key.

So as the night progressed, I continued to avoid most of the talking points about my career or my education or how I play guitar. Instead, I focused on which Disney Princess I would date (I joked that it would be Beast but we all know it would be Belle). I asked about their careers but made all of my comments very lighthearted. And it worked. I was the belle of the ball. 9 different girls listed me as someone they would be interested in going out with! The next closest was a guy that had 3 girls list him as someone they would be interested in going out with. After the event, Rogen and I and one of the girls grabbed some dinner together.

On Saturday, I was hanging out with Sugarloaf and TheCaptain watching some football when Sugarloaf got an invite to go to a party. I am normally very hesitant to go to these parties, since I rarely meet anyone and generally don't have much fun. But I was feeling good, so I agreed to go. It was a blast. When we got there, I released all of my inhibitions. Why? I am not sure. I wish I could control it. I talked with a bunch of different girls. Two of them gave me their numbers and I am going to call them this week to set up dates. I don't think I even told them what I did for a living. I just had fun. I flirted shamelessly and fearlessly. I left the party feeling like a million bucks. I may not be back in the game yet, but at least I feel like I am a contender again.

The Wonder Years

I haven't been dating. So what have I been doing with all that extra free time? Watching The Wonder Years on Netflix.

It's amazing how much emotion I feel while watching that show. In some ways, it's actually a bit awkward. As I watch Winnie and Kevin interact, I sometimes wanna scream at the tv because they are always playing mind games with each other. The other night, I swear it, I cried just a little. I loved that show growing up and watching it all now brings a wave of nostalgia. Confession: I had a super crush on Winnie Cooper growing up. I always thought her and Kevin would end up together. I still remember the way I felt when I watched that final episode for the first time. A part of my hope for ever finding someone died when I found out that Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnold did not end up together.

What have I learned?

In response to aLifeInBloom's suggestion (a cute redhead in a relationship that I have never met), I am going to try and write about how I have changed in the past year. For simplicity, I will write it as a numbered list.

1. Less chaotic dating. I think in the last year, I realized how awful it can be to go on four dates a week consistently. I think I mostly just liked the attention. Lately, I have been going on less dates with less girls. It makes for a boring blog. But it means I am not constantly trying to juggle dates with four or five girls at a time.

2. Less money. I have made a conscious decision to spend less money on my dates. Yeah I took Popcorn to a traveling broadway musical, which wasn't cheap, but in general I have decided to spend less on my dates. This past week I had tickets to a Taylor Swift concert. Rather than take a girl I wasn't that into, I sold them for a tidy profit.

3. I feel less like marriage is just around the corner for me. I used to think it was just going to fall in my lap soon enough. Now, I have serious doubts about whether I will be married anytime soon. It means I am thinking of my life more in terms of being single rather than "I can't buy that cause it won't make sense once I get married."

I was hoping that I could write a really decent list of ways that I have changed in the last year. But I don't think I have changed that much. So instead, here is a list of things that I could/should change to become more dateable:

1. Be less shy. I ask plenty of girls out. But they are often setups or girls that I know that I am not that interested in. The girls that I meet or see and really want to date intimidate me so I am less likely to talk to them or ask them out.

2. Worry less about marriage. When I am not thinking "where is this going?" I tend to have lots more fun on dates. Problem is, how do I stop thinking like that? How can I be "fun Tripp Hazard" rather than "date Tripp Hazard" on a more regular basis while on dates?

3. Make more of an effort to go to social activities where I might meet people. This one is harder. The mormon party scene drives me crazy. I never meet anyone at those parties and leave feeling angry. Bars aren't much better. Should I go back to school? Take cooking classes? Join a yoga group? I need a better way to meet girls.

4. Get rid of my mullet. Yeah, I said it. I love it because it makes me feel like a rebel. And it gives me this excuse like "these girls just aren't interested in me because I have a mullet."

5. Dress better. I have tons of out of style clothes. And lots of in style work clothes. But hardly any in-style casual clothes.

6. Do what I love. They say it's easier to meet someone if you are just doing what you love. I don't really know exactly what that means. I guess I need to get some hobbies that will help me meet girls.

Last week, I had a second date with Popcorn. It was fun but short. I can't tell right now if this thing with her is going anywhere or if we are on the fast track for friendship. We just went out for dinner and then talked in the car while listening to music.

A Spoonful of Sugar

On Friday night, I had a date with Popcorn. I first met Popcorn six years ago when she was dating my roommate HandsomeRob. Back then, she was a 19 year old hair dresser that I didn't consider to be very smart. But we maintained our friendship over the years. Initially I texted her to see if she would go to the football game with me and the parentals on Saturday but Popcorn was working that night. She said she was free on Friday though, so I took it.

I was thinking about what to do on my date with Popcorn and I decided that I really wanted to go see this musical. So I told Popcorn to dress up. We ended up having a really fun time. Popcorn is fairly easy to talk to and looked great in her dress. I went home from the date feeling pretty hopeful about things (which hasn't happened in a long time).

On Saturday, I ended up being set up on a blind date with this girl Scooby by GetErDone. I don't really like to take dates with the parentals, especially blind dates but they had invited me to the football game and seemed intent that I take a date. Scooby ended up being really cool. She handled the conversation with my parents well. And didn't mind that I was a bit hyperactive at the football game either. But, Scooby is a couple years older than me. Honestly, I have a hard time with that. And while Scooby was definitely more attractive in person than in her pictures, I didn't feel that attracted to her during the date. Right now, I am kind of on the fence about taking her out again. Suggestions?

On Sunday, I had dinner with a family in my ward. They have this really cute daughter Foxtrot that is engaged. Her best friend Fanta was also there along with her boyfriend. Both girls are super cute. After dinner, we were outside playing a game. It was my turn to move and as I jumped, I uncontrollably farted. Everybody heard it and laughed. I was super embarrassed. I pretended to not care but am pretty sure I will forever be that guy that farted during the game. Still, being there made me feel like there are cute girls out there that aren't total snobs. I just don't know how to meet them.

Skydiving and the fair with Pulse

I talked Pulse into going skydiving with me on my birthday. I knew that the only way I would dare do it is if it was on my birthday and if I had someone there with me to hold me accountable. I was so scared. Surprisingly, Pulse wasn't really all that scared. We both ended up having a lot of fun. So I decided to ask her if she would go to the state fair with me the following weekend. In case you don't know, I love the state fair. It's a combination of the food, the smells, the people, the rides, the carnies, and the animals. And I knew that I would have fun with Pulse.

The fair started out well enough. We got some fried cheese on a stick and saw a bunch of the animals. Then, we went to the sheep. While Pulse and I were looking at the size of the scrotum of a prize sheep (the size of a cantaloupe!), in walked this guy that Pulse has kind of been dating lately. Although my feelings towards Pulse are definitely mixed right now, I was not too happy to see/meet this guy. In fact, it put me in a pretty bad mood. Pulse and I have had many talks about the difference in guys. She uses a scale between "dude" and "emo." I use a similar scale between "douche bag" and "wiener." This guy is basically pretty far over on the "wiener" scale. Although Pulse says that I am a dude, I consider myself to be somewhere in the middle (although closer to the "douche bag" side than the "wiener" side, but not by much). However, when this wiener started talking to us, I reverted to "douche bag" mode. I couldn't help it. I felt threatened and I didn't want him there. It's hard to explain how I reverted to "douche bag" mode but I definitely felt it. It actually carried over for another 45 minutes after we left the wiener. I was kinda mad at Pulse that we had run into him and that she had introduced us and acted like it was no big deal. To Pulse's credit, she worked hard to get me out of "douche bag" mode. She suggested we ride some of the rides. I was less than enthusiastic and just wanted to leave the fair and head home. Pulse talked me into it though, and as soon as we were on one of the rides, I came out of "douche bag" mode and started having fun again. The rides were fantastic. I love fair rides. Expensive and dangerous with creeps running them, fair rides are a true white trash paradise. We screamed and laughed and basically just loved riding the rides. Although I was super frustrated with Pulse and am feeling as if I will probably just walk away rather than try and date her, I was glad that we had the night together at the fair.

It's Fair Season

On Thursday, I had lunch with my grandma and littlebrother. Littlebrother had to take off early and as my grandma and I were leaving the restaurant, someone yelled my name. I turned to see Jewel walking towards us. I gave my grandma a hug and sent her on her way and walked over to chat with Jewel. It was pretty short, I made a couple of jokes, tried to make myself appear aloof and then said I had to get back to work. I could see in Jewel's eyes that she was hoping for more. And I was right. Two minutes later, I got a phone call from Jewel asking me if I would like to meet her for lunch on Friday. I politely declined, citing lunch plans with my parents. I could definitely hear bits of regret in Jewel's voice but she admitted nothing.

On Friday night, GetErDone called me up and said he wanted to set me up with this girl Figure for Saturday. I tentatively agreed and then a few minutes later, Figure called me using GetErDone's phone. She asked if I had something to ask her. It was a little weird but I liked her being forward about it. So I asked her out for Saturday. When I picked her up, the first thing Figure told me was about her strange diet. Figure is training to be in a figure competition (sort of like a female bodybuilding competition sans the huge muscles). As is typical, I had tons of questions to ask her about it. Why did she do it? What did it entail? What could she win? Did she have a six pack? (yes she did)

The problem is, it got our date started on completely the wrong foot. I don't know if Figure normally would have asked lots of questions but I think my questions sent her into pageant mode. Pageant mode is when a girl only answers the questions that you ask rather than attempts to have a conversation with you. So as the questions about figure competitions began to run dry, so did our conversation. I wanted to ask about other things but I felt pigeonholed into that one topic. Figure tried to ask me some questions but those conversations never got off the ground. In the end, I learned more about figure competitions than I thought I would ever learn. But very little about Figure as a person. And Figure learned very little about me as a person either (other than my ability to interview pageant girls).

At one point, I was struggling so much that I started trying to figure out what guys Figure was attracted to. She started telling me that she was super picky and she wasn't sure that any of the guys there were her type. I felt like the person asking the questions of Miss South Carolina why the majority of US children cannot find the United States on a map that got more than they bargained for. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some... people out there in our nation don't have maps." And I also learned that fairs are only as fun as the person you are there with.

A Sweet Mullet

I haven't been on any dates over the past few weeks. I would be lying if I told you that I have really enjoyed all the extra free time. I broke out my old Nintendo and played several games all the way through. I also broke out my old Super Nintendo and finished a game that I started three years ago. I watched every episode of 30 Rock available on Netflix. I have even lost some weight by eating better (since there is no one to go to dinner with me, I have been eating at home). I am just not used to having that much free time. Although going on two or more dates per week seemed unsustainable, not going on any dates also seems unsustainable.

On Friday night, Jewel called me from a different number. I answered and she asked if she could borrow my truck. I was shocked at the nerve of such a request. Thankfully, my truck is out of town. Otherwise I might have said yes and made myself look like a doormat. We talked for like 30 minutes about nothing. I missed her but I didn't tell her. I felt so taken advantage of.

Last week, I became interested in this girl Broadway. Broadway works at the clinic where I am going for physical therapy. She started there a month or two ago and we became fast friends. But I knew she had a boyfriend. And I knew that Broadway just barely graduated from high school. So last week, Broadway informed me that she had dumped her boyfriend. We flirted more than usual and I seriously considered asking her on a date. I felt as if Broadway wanted me to ask her on a date. The thing is, age is just a number, right? Over the past seven or eight years, people have said to me "Tripp, you can't go out with that girl, she is too young!" Every one of those girls is now married and most of them have kids. So what is stopping me from asking Broadway out? Although the age difference really doesn't bother me in the least, I worry that it might bother her. And her parents, since she still lives at home. But I don't feel like it should bother either of them. I am young at heart and very responsible. Plus, what parents wouldn't want their daughter to date an attorney with a sweet mullet?

What's been happening lately

So Jewel finally called me early one morning and said she didn't feel strongly enough about me to keep seeing me. I was bummed but the anxiety finally stopped. She said "I am probably gonna regret this." And I said "if you do, give me a call." And that was it. I went on a second date with Cabinet. It was fun but I can tell that Cabinet has huge walls built up. It's almost impossible to schedule a date with her. When I suggested a third date, she told me she had a night available in like two weeks. How am I ever going to build a relationship with someone if I only see them once every two weeks?

I went on a couple of dates with littleKJo. She is dating another guy though. And KJo knows of this blog, so I have to be careful what I write about littleKJo, since KJo is sure to tell her all about it.

I have been talking with Pulse a lot lately. On the 24th, I decided to text her and see how everything was going. She suggested we meet for dinner. We met up around 9 and ended up talking/hanging out until 2 in the morning. It was a lot of fun. I just didn't want to leave. I found myself so emotionally attracted to the stability that Pulse represents. Not that Pulse isn't lots of fun, she just isn't crazy like Jewel. Since then, Pulse and I have talked quite a bit. I told her all about Jewel and she told me all about the guys that are currently in her life. Basically, the timing is not right for dating Pulse.

Last Tuesday, I got a text from Jewel asking how my whiplash was (I was involved in about 6 major automobile accidents and about 8 minor automobile accidents over the previous weekend). I didn't respond. The next day, I received another text from her saying "I would like to spend time with you and get to know you better, is that something you would be interested in?" I was not too happy about receiving this text. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that Jewel had just gotten bored and liked having someone that liked her. So I followed my knee jerk reaction. I went to my computer and I wrote her an email. It was probably a little bit harsh. I told her how she had mistreated me. I told her I deserved better treatment.

Two days later, I got a text from Jewel saying "Just FYI, that was me admitting I made a mistake." I was seriously confused. I responded "and that was me telling you I still like you." A few hours later, I got another text from Jewel saying that she had just received my email and to have a great summer. I was so confused. Then I received an email from Jewel. She did not like what I had written in my email and felt attacked. She said that she obviously wasn't good enough for me and that she was sorry and that she hoped I had a good life. I responded with another email telling her that I still really liked her and that the email had been a little too harsh. I told her that I was willing to swallow my pride and admit that I had made some mistakes. Was she willing to swallow her pride and admit that she had made some mistakes too? On Saturday morning, I received a text from Jewel saying thanks for the second email and that she had some serious thinking to do. To be honest, it bummed me out quite a bit. What thinking did she have to do? Hadn't she already spent plenty of time thinking?

Today, Jewel called me. We talked for about 30 minutes. As usual, Jewel spoke semi-cryptically. She said that she had admitted she made a mistake and wanted to go out with me one more time to see if we clicked. But then she had received the emails from me. The harsh words that I said made her realize that it was selfish of her to go out with me again and torture me so. I told her that this was not irreparable. And that was it. I said bye and she was gone again. At this point, I seriously doubt that I will ever see Jewel again. I suppose it is for the best.

Last week littlebrother brought a girl over to my house named ZZ. I thought ZZ was pretty cute and littlebrother was all about me asking her out (after he made out with her in my house - which is just awkward). I am toying with the idea of asking her out.

Every day we get a little bit stronger

On Saturday, GetErDone texted me and suggested I take this girl Oprah (not the real Oprah!) on a date and meet him at this country concert. I guess GetErDone had been set up on a blind date with Oprah a few weeks earlier and being the good friend that he is, he passed his leftover on to me. Prior to calling Oprah, I checked out some of her stuff from her TV show. She seemed fun and funny and she was pretty cute in a lot of the stuff. When someone is on TV regularly (as in everyday), there is plenty to discover about them online. So I called her and set up the date.

I picked her up and thought she was very pretty. However, she wore this purple lipstick that would have embarrassed Ronald McDonald on a date. Even though we got along fairly well (I didn't feel like there was any chemistry though), how in the world could I get over a first impression like that? I am attracted to clean, natural looking faces. Even people that are freezing to death don't have lips that color purple. Nevertheless, I had fun. I just don't think I will take her out again.

On Sunday, KJo and her little sister littleKJo invited me over for dinner. It ended up being a lot of fun. I flirted with littleKJo and even though she has kinda been dating this guy, I decided to ask her on a date. I asked her to attend a baseball game with me on Wednesday night. We had a blast. I approached the date more like I normally approach dates: not really caring and just trying to have fun. We talked about the boy she was kinda dating and I told her a little about Jewel. She thinks that Jewel has treated me horribly. I kinda agree.

Jewel had told me she would call me on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I received a text from her saying she had just been to the dentist and asking if she could call me on Wednesday morning. Umm, ok. On Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling super anxious (as any thoughts related to Jewel seem to do to me now). Jewel texted me asking what I was doing for lunch on Thursday. No mention was made of the phone call that had apparently now been canceled. I texted her back and said that I already had lunch plans for Thursday.

I really am not even sure why I should see Jewel again, I don't see any positive potential. Sample conversation likely to occur if/when we see each other next:

Me: Hey Jewel.

Jewel: Oh my gosh, I hate my intern so much, he is so stupid, but I am moving to California soon, I am sooo excited, like, it is gonna be great, I won't have to live here anymore.

Me: Uhh, gee thanks, that makes me feel great.

Jewel: California is just so much better than here. I can go to the beach and swim in the ocean. The ocean is like my favorite thing ever. And swim in my mom's pool. And ride my bike every day. I am so excited.

Me: Wow, ok, why did we meet again (while stabbing my fork into my eye)?

Jewel: Because we are friends. You need to just chill out. Stop worrying so much. My roommate would love to go on a date with you. Oh my gosh, California.... California... California...

You get the gist. So I told her that I had plans. Then she asked what I was doing on Monday. Here's the thing, when we were dating, she would ask what I was doing this weekend, and I would tell her some of the stuff I had planned and then she would say "oh, this is what I am doing." I used to think maybe she was trying to invite me to do something but now, I have no idea. Her asking what I am doing on Monday in no way guarantees that a) she will not suddenly have something better come up that requires moving activities with me to another day or b) she will just not feel like doing anything. Yeah, I am pretty much fed up with Jewel. I still love her but since yesterday, I have decided that I would only take her back on several conditions (assuming she doesn't move to California, since there are no jobs there).

1. No more talking about how great California is. To be honest, I would move to California to be with Jewel. But right now, we don't live in California and she needs to get over it.

2. We need to do stuff together at least 3 times per week. No exceptions.

3. We have to start kissing again immediately.

4. If she goes to California for the weekend, she has to invite me to come along.

5. We are steady dating, no dates with other people.

6. I need regular words of affirmation from her. Maybe her love language is shown via quality time spent but mine requires words of affirmation.

Since zero of the above 6 things are likely to change, the odds of Jewel and I dating are pretty much zero. It's sad but perhaps I can move on and find someone else.

It's the reason why I'm here

I ended up having a lot of fun on my date with Cabinet. Cabinet is one of those really cool girls that every guy gets along with instantly. But from talking to mutual friends, she is the kind of girl that is really good at keeping guys at arms length. In other words, there may be walls she has built that I can't possibly tear down unless she lets them down. So we will see.

I picked up Cabinet and decided that I wanted to eat some place decent. So I took her to the Melting Pot. She had never been. Cabinet is so good at carrying conversation. I think I was a bit surprised at how able she was to hold a conversation through the entire dinner. I guess I don't actually anticipate that a girl will be able to do that. After dinner, since it was too late to do an activity but too early to take her home, I took Cabinet over to my house. Milo and Steve-O were there and they were definitely impressed with Cabinet. We just talked about politics and it was super chill. Of course, one of my main concerns about dating is that I let things become too chill way too soon. I guess I have more baggage now than I did a few months ago with the Jewel debacle. Now I am going to enter every potential relationship with a fear that things will be too relaxed early on and that I will be unable to jump start them when I decide I want to move to the next level.

Cabinet and I have texted a few times since the date. I would be very interested in going out with her again. I can't really say if she has any interest.

I can't move the mountains for you

I literally got off the phone with Jewel 2 minutes ago. Our conversation was nice, a bit awkward. Jewel told me how great her weekend in California was. And that it had almost pushed her over the edge to quit her job and move back there. She said she is going to spend the next couple of weeks thinking before she makes her final decision.

I was definitely disappointed. I have tried so hard to pretend over the last two weeks that I was over Jewel and that I was ready to move on. I actually encouraged Jewel to follow her heart and do what she needed to do. Partially because I think that really is what she should do and partially because saying anything else would solve nothing. I sent her roommate and best friend here a quick message on Facebook about it. I know I probably shouldn't have but what exactly do I have to lose?

I told Jewel again on the phone that I liked her and that I still wanted to date her. Then, I asked her if she wanted to spend any time with me or if it would cloud her judgment. Jewel said she would give me a call in a week to answer that question. Of course there are going to be moments where I think that I should have said something else or done things differently. But in the end, I told Jewel how I felt. And if she leaves then I guess that is what is supposed to happen.

On Friday, I had a date with Bolivia. I met Bolivia through an ex-girlfriend of Milo's a week ago. We met up with Sugarloaf and Tweak and their dates and headed to a rodeo. Bolivia is in her mid 30s and looks very good. But, there just wasn't a huge connection. I doubt I will take her out again.

Tonight I have a first date with Cabinet. About two weeks ago, I saw her online on Facebook. So I struck up a conversation with her and asked her out. I guess I kinda felt impressed to ask her out. She seems like a pretty cool girl and there have been times where I saw her and thought she was very good looking. I can't say that having this phone conversation with Jewel prior to my date with Cabinet has put me in the best mood for going on dates but I can't cancel on Cabinet 2 hours before the date just because of that. Wish me luck.

It must have been love, but it's over now

It must have been good, but we lost it somehow. Jewel and I haven't talked in 11 days. After a bit of a freakout, I called her 12 days ago and laid some feelings on the line. I told her that she was mistreating me and that I wasn't at all a priority in her life. She admitted that I wasn't a priority. Sort of. As we talked it became clear what had happened. Jewel really enjoyed hanging out with me and even liked me quite a bit. I started liking her back. And it freaked her out. Don't get me wrong, I am sure plenty of this is my fault. I am not used to liking girls. The last girl I really liked was 2 years ago, and people change a lot in 2 years. So I think I came on too heavy.

So Jewel and I met for lunch and to figure out how to proceed the following day. The lunch was pretty short. We had some casual small talk and then talked about options. In a perfect world, I would be able to just tone it down and continue dating Jewel while she figures out what she wants. There is a good chance that we could continue to date over the next few months and she could fall madly in love with me. We decided on a 1 week break with no talking. For both of us to think about what we really wanted. I guess when the break started, I didn't really think about how we would initiate communication after the week. I kinda figured that since she knows I like her, she would be the one to initiate it. Littlebrother advised me to not call or text her on Monday and I heeded his advice. On Tuesday, I realized I had no idea what I could possibly say to Jewel. Telling her that I have strong feelings for her wouldn't work - I already tried that. Telling her that I am ok with casually dating her is basically going back to where I was a few weeks ago. Whether you like me or not, you should agree that Jewel was not treating me as well as I deserve to be treated.

Now it is Thursday and we still haven't talked. She hasn't called or texted. I told littlebrother last night that she probably doesn't even remember who I am. I am trying to sort of play it off like I am not super bothered by this whole thing. Yesterday, I logged onto facebook chat and saw Jewel online there (she is almost never online) and my heart skipped a beat, literally. I didn't say anything to her. Last night, I prayed long and hard about getting help to handle this situation appropriately. I asked if I should email her or call her or text her or visit her in person or never talk to her again. I am not sure I have received an answer. Maybe God just doesn't care much about my dumb little dating dilemmas.

They say that when you meet the right person, it will just be easy. At first, that's exactly how it felt with Jewel. The conversation never lagged. I looked forward to spending time with her. Basically she made every activity fun and I felt like I did the same for her. Someone once told me that with how much I date, and with how long I have waited to get married, I am sure to find exactly what I want. He married the first girl he dated after his mission. Maybe none of us ever really have it figured out.

2 steps forward, 1,823 steps back

While on vacation, I wrote Jewel an email. Nothing too heavy. When I got back and she still hadn't responded, I was a little bummed. But she texted me and suggested we go on a bike ride on Saturday. We met at the park and then biked to a little hamburger joint where Jewel insisted on paying. I was definitely more quiet on this date than usual. Jewel brought it up a few times, trying to figure out what was going on in my head. I couldn't tell her that I was trying to seriously evaluate whether she cared enough about me to make any effort I put in worthwhile. While on the bike ride, we passed a car dealership and Jewel and I decided to test drive a couple of cars. Well, SUVs. Jewel really wants a new car and I think test driving new cars is a lot of fun. The date was fun but I kept counting myself out through the rest of the evening.

On Sunday, I had asked Jewel to go to family dinner for littlesister's birthday at my parents' house (the estate). While I was in church, my anxiety spiked. I seriously wondered why I was even bothering. The way I saw it, Jewel didn't care the least about me. She would probably feel super awkward around my family. I came fairly close to calling up Jewel and saying I didn't think she should come.

Nevertheless, I decided to give it my all and perhaps take myself out of the game with Jewel if the evening didn't go well. I picked up littlebrother and then Jewel and drove to the estate. Jewel was super talkative on the drive up and i could tell that her and littlebrother got along fairly well. We ate dinner, played with the dogs, jumped on the trampoline and played ping pong. It was fun and super chill. I think Jewel had fun too. I can never tell with her. In a lot of ways, she was much more excited to see and play with our dogs than anything else.

On the drive home, Jewel decided to blast some LDS primary songs on my radio. Jewel pretty much has ADHD when it comes to music and kept changing songs after listening to about 1/3 of a song. I was trying to talk to her and listen to the music and didn't notice that I was going 20 mph over the speed limit until the cop pulled me over. Jewel and littlebrother approached it humorously but I was super embarrassed about it. Luckily, the cop chose to only write me a ticket for not having signed my registration and let me off with a warning for the speeding. I am sure it helped that littlebrother said a few funny comments to the officer that made him laugh. If you ask littlebrother, he was 100% responsible for me not getting the ticket, but that is just how littlebrother is. Jewel laughed pretty hard about it and I had to smile. I dropped her off at her apartment and there was almost no linger. I was frustrated. Jewel seems to be so spunky and feisty about everything except me. When she told me that she feels like she talks a lot more than I do, I really wanted to tell her that she had bruised my self esteem a bit and that if she worked on building it back up, I would get a lot more comfortable with her. As it is, I am always a bit on edge around her.

As I drove off, I explained to littlebrother my dilemma. As I was whining about my situation, my phone rang. It was Jewel! It was only maybe 5 minutes after I had dropped her off. She said that she had a lot of fun with me that day and that we should definitely get together soon. It definitely brightened my mood. I am just realizing that I need more little affirmations like that.

Probably one of the biggest problems is that since I have started dating Jewel, I haven't had any interest in dating any other girls. I am tempted to start asking a number of different girls out to distract me from Jewel a little. Good idea or bad?

A mini-breakdown and a mini-DTR

Last week I stressed out about Jewel. Big time. It's kinda hard to explain but I got really depressed and worried that Jewel wasn't interested in me. And I let it resonate in my head, getting stronger with each round. When I received a text, my first thought was "great, Jewel is texting to let me know she is dating somebody else." It was very self destructive. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was haggard from the stress. And guess what? Nothing had happened! I hadn't received any texts from Jewel suggesting she wasn't interested in me. She is definitely scatterbrained and may take a few days to respond to a text but it was never malicious.

I talked with a number of different friends about it and came to the realization that the problem was me. I have a pattern when I start liking a girl. I started thinking back to a number of other girls that I have liked in the past and I seemed to have the same mindset. I started liking them, freaked myself out, and somehow things fell apart. Either I did something really heavy (like writing them a letter expressing my undying love) or I took myself out of competition, I never really handled it well. So I have become determined to handle things differently with Jewel.

On Saturday, we had made plans to go on a bike ride. However, the weather turned foul. We ended up eating dinner at my favorite restaurant. I don't know if Jewel was impressed with the place but she definitely liked her food. Then we went to the apple store cause Jewel thought I should buy a macbook air or something. It was fun looking at the stuff with her. We also stopped by an art gallery to compare some of our tastes in art. Just talking to Jewel made me feel much better. I conquered some of my fears and just asked her about things. I got some really interesting answers.

One of my first questions was if she was still interested in me. She looked at me like I was kind of dumb and said "why would I keep going out with you if I wasn't still interested in you?" I couldn't just blurt out "cause that's what I do and I suspected you would do the same." Basically, Jewel told me to just relax. If she decided she didn't like me anymore, she would just tell me and I would know. Don't get me wrong, Jewel is not without her idiosyncrasies. She told me that she liked kissing me but that she didn't want it to cloud her judgment. So, she had decided to not kiss me for awhile. Kinda bothersome but if it makes her feel more comfortable with things, I can understand, I guess.

Jewel and I met today for lunch. As usual, we talked way too much about her intern that she can't stand. But, I learned a little more about her. For one, I learned that Jewel has trouble sleeping and never feels rested. Except when she sleeps at her mother's house. I am not sure how I feel about that. But I definitely like her.

The similarities between Princess and Jewel

I went out with Jewel twice last week. I didn't kiss her after either date. Why? Because I discovered last week that I like her. I am not sure when it happened or how it happened. I just found myself thinking that I would rather go out with Jewel than do something on my own. I found myself thinking about her during the day. I was upset about her smugness about California. You see, Jewel is from California and she always tells me how great it is there. She goes there to visit her mother every other weekend. I think my realization that Jewel likes California more than she likes me was what made me realize that I liked Jewel. Along with liking her came an odd side effect: I started worrying about her leaving. I had flashbacks to dating Princess years ago.

For the first 6 weeks of dating Princess, I was unsure about her. She was pretty but I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her. Princess was a bit uppity and at the time, I held myself out to be a very regular guy. After all, I was driving a truck for a living. After each of our dates, as I drove home, I considered not calling or seeing her again. I felt as if Princess liked me more than I liked her. And then in an instant, everything changed. Princess informed me that her ex-boyfriend was coming back from an internship and she was going on a date with him that weekend. She said that because we had never discussed our "relationship" she was free to go out with him and maybe even kiss him. The following morning, I left on an interstate job. Over the next few days, I worked 80 hours. Most of the time was spent by myself in the truck on the open road. Nothing to think about except Princess. And losing her. Such was the beginning of the end. Our relationship didn't end that weekend. Instead, it was on life support for 6 weeks. I guess I can understand when a family keeps a loved one on life support long after the doctors have told them it's over. I fought desperately to get back what I had lost but in the end, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. What happened with Princess that summer 6 years ago still haunts me.

So when I started liking Jewel, I felt her pulling away. I saw the future. I can't relax around her. It's as if I feel smothered by her sudden lack of interest. But did she change? Probably not. Over the past few days, I realized that Jewel can break my heart.

An apple you just barely can't reach

I have been out with Jewel a number of times since my last post, but I haven't felt as interested in writing about our dates. I always have fun with Jewel. She makes me laugh and every activity seems like a lot of fun. But, I started becoming more unsure about Jewel a week or so ago. Jewel is definitely a cute girl. But I found myself feeling less than committed to her. I thought maybe it was because I am not attracted enough to her. Last week, Jewel gave me the cold shoulder for most of the week. I actually started getting nervous, thinking that maybe she had decided to be done with me. When I did set up a date with her, I suggested Saturday but Jewel shrugged it off and said that Saturday wouldn't work. I could tell that she had another date set up for Saturday. We met on Wednesday instead and got Indian food.

I think Jewel pulling back a little (whether intentional or not) kinda pushed me into opening up my feelings for her a little more. I found myself wanting to spend more time with her. After dinner, we drove around in my car. Jewel wanted to drive and so we had a lot of fun listening to country music while crusing the streets. (side note: are we always going to listen to only country music? I like country music but I think it's fair that she commit to listening to what I want to listen when we are in my car) We ended up planning a date for Friday night and talking about Jewel's date on Saturday. Luckily, she wasn't too excited about it.

On Friday, Jewel and I hit up a baseball game. I love going to baseball games and surprisingly, Jewel really enjoys it as well. Of course, the local team isn't as good as her hometown team but I still had a blast. We ate dinner at a nice restaurant and then watched a few episodes of Jersey Shore back at my place (side note: Jewel and I both really enjoy Jersey Shore, her because I think she has a bit of a secret crush on Pauly D, me because watching their train wreck lives makes me feel a little better about my own life). We ended up making out and it was by far the best makeout that Jewel and I have shared. After Jewel left, I definitely felt myself starting to like her more.

On Saturday, I met up with my friend DrJ for some frisbee. We were playing with a bunch of people when two girls showed up. One was a girl I used to be interested in named Cabinet and the other was a girl I have never met named Dream. Dream actually added me as a friend on Facebook several months ago, but since I had never met her, I hadn't (and still haven't) accepted her request. I didn't really get a chance to talk to Dream but let me tell you this, she was gorgeous. And a little bundle of energy. Several of my friends have tried to date Dream and she has given them the cold shoulder. Still, you could tell by the way people acted around her that everyone adored her. Dream is the kind of girl that every guy has a crush on. Probably because she looks you in the eye and smiles. She is that girl that you just think for a second maybe you might have a chance with. Dream totally reminds me of girls from my distant past such as Cassie and Mindy. Maybe it's just the way they smile in a mischievous way that gets me. Maybe it's the feeling that you are just barely out of their league that causes guys to go crazy. I have plenty of mean girls that are not as pretty as Dream that I know are out of my league. But my guess is that every guy sees Dream as being just out of reach. Like an apple on a tree that they just barely can't reach, holding on to a branch and leaning out. Dream is of the mold that causes a lot of guys to end up with a broken leg.

Wild Horses Can't Be Broken

This morning, as I was driving to work, I saw a cute girl in a car near mine. Then, we went out to lunch at a restaurant with a really cute girl working as the hostess. I have seen her there several times before. Cute and blonde and surely wild. I am so attracted to girls that are wild. These wild girls are like caffeine. I crave Coke all the time. But I know what it does to me. I can never take a few sips. I end up guzzling it. If I order a Coke at a restaurant, I will get two, three or even four refills. And oh how sweet it is. It's cold. It's full of flavor. I start feeling like I am on top of the world. I have been known to dance on a table after drinking Coke. I have also been known to be quite fearless. When I have been with these wilder girls, I have felt the same way. Fearless and on top of the world.

But, inevitably there is a crash. Usually my eyes go first. They start looking very tired. More tired than normal. Even if it's 10 at night, my eyes start looking like it's 4 in the morning and I haven't slept yet. My mind fogs up. Sometimes I crash and fall asleep easily. But most times, I end up at home sitting on the couch watching late night tv until three in the morning. Or sitting on my bed doing absolutely nothing for hours straight. I usually get a major headache. And I pay for it over the next few days. My body is so dehydrated; the inside of my mouth constantly feels sticky and occasionally gets completely dry.

I guess I crave that feeling of being on top of the world. I think all guys are attracted to wilder girls. It's probably due to evolution. Or maybe it's just a sign that I am not with the right girl yet. Either way, I can't help but notice tons of attractive girls all around.

Saxophones and cheesecake

On Tuesday, I invited Wonder to a saxophone recital for the wife of a coworker. Most of the date felt pretty awkward. I like Wonder, I really do. I think she is sweet and caring and just a great person. But I just don't feel that connection with her. On Wednesday, Jewel and I went out. I am so tired of traditional dates that I decided to take Jewel shopping instead. We went shopping for clothes for me. Yeah, it sounds like a pretty egotistical thing to do. But it went really well. We had fun interacting, Jewel had some useful opinions, and it gave us time to bond doing something that normal people do (i.e., people that aren't out on a date). We grabbed dinner after and went over our lists for what we want our future mate to be like. It was pretty casual and I got to know Jewel quite a bit better. We ended up kissing that night. It was good (although I like kissing Wonder better and think Wonder is a better kisser). I have been thinking a lot about the LDS general conference talks about how guys need to just settle down and marry someone. I guess they were pretty much speaking to me. After all, I have a few really good LDS girls that would probably marry me if I wanted. I am not delaying marriage for education or financial reasons. I am delaying because I want to find the right one. Should I really just marry someone that I have some common interests with and hope that love appears? What would you do if you were in my position?

I'm just trying to find... what's on her mind

Wonder texted me last week and asked me to go to a hockey game. After our previous date, I was very hesitant to go out with her again. But I went. And I had a lot of fun. I could tell that Wonder had zero interest in the hockey game but she did her best to have fun anyway. We had a really interesting conversation over dinner after the game about the traits of the person we want to marry. I actually felt like we bonded a little. It helped to see Wonder really trying. On Thursday, Jewel and I met up for dinner and a movie. I always have lots of fun with Jewel. She is just so spunky. Kind of a bit nerdy too but fun. She called me a killjoy when I predicted the end of the movie. We held hands during the movie but there was no linger after the movie when I walked her to her car. I am not sure if she wants me to kiss her or if she just doesn't know how to act in those situations. On Saturday I had a date with Peyton. The situation with Peyton is kinda awkard. We met at a bar 2 1/2 years ago and ended up making out. We hung out one time after that but I really wasn't that interested. Every once in awhile, she will text me and suggest we get together for something. So I finally agreed to something on Saturday. The date was pretty fun. Peyton is really interesting to talk to. But she isn't really my type. We were on the couch and she turns to me and says "Wanna make out?" It was just so casual, it caught me off guard. I suppose dating is like a lot of things in life: two steps forward, one step backwards.

Wonderjewel

Last week, I went on what will probably be my last date with Wonder. I haven't made up my mind completely yet but it didn't feel right. It hasn't helped that my mom is so against me dating Wonder (because she feels so strongly about House) or that Milo is so against me dating Wonder (because he thinks I should get someone better looking and with a personality). We went to dinner at a little Italian place, very hole-in-the-wall-ish. But the conversation lagged several times. I have just run out of things to say to Wonder. It didn't help that I picked her up straight after work and was thus already tired. Still, with Wonder I feel as if I have to carry all conversations. Which works fine when I am hyper (which is usually the case) but not so well when I am tired. I guess part of the problem was not communicating my intent with Wonder. See, I wanted to go have dinner with her, drop her off, go home and watch an episode of Lost and get to bed early. Wonder wanted to go on a full date, which includes hand holding, dinner, some activity, cuddling somewhere, making out, lots of talking, etc. We just weren't on the same page. So when I was like "Ok, I need to go now" at 10, Wonder was offended. Do you think it means I don't like her that much if I am more excited about getting home from work, changing out of my work clothes, making a milkshake and watching tv on my comfy couches than making out with her? I do. Wonder said that every time she sees me, she isn't sure if she is going to see me again. Thing is, Wonder doesn't need me. We are so different. I haven't called her since (5 days) and I am wondering whether I will... Last week, I had a fourth date with Jewel. I met Jewel on the plane ride back from visiting MrShit (I know, weird, what is it with me and meeting girls on planes? I guess it's cause they have a couple of hours and nowhere to go to get away from me). Jewel kinda got scared while on the flight so I talked to her to keep her distracted. I also helped her get her baggage down after the flight. We walked together to the baggage carousel and then Jewel said goodbye and walked away. It was rather strange. Two minutes later, she came back to "apologize" for trash talking some of the sports teams that I care deeply about. I told her we should be friends on facebook and that maybe we could get together sometime. We met for lunch three times and at the end of the third time, Jewel asked me to go on a date with her. The date was a lot of fun. Jewel is kind of the polar opposite of Wonder. Wonder is shy and not at all quirky. Jewel is very quirky and fun but not the least bit apologetic about her quirkiness. She grew up Jewish and then converted to the Mormon church; so she takes being a Mormon very seriously. For instance, she said a prayer over her food when we met for lunch. She is just very much a molly mormon. Much to the chagrin of my mother, I am more attracted to girls with a little bit of an edge. I am not sure yet if I would kiss Jewel but we are going on our fifth date tonight. On Sunday, I drove littlebrother to the airport. After dropping him off, I saw House getting out of a car and going into the airport. I was quite surprised, but I pulled out my phone and called her. She didn't answer but her voicemail said she was going to be out of town for over a week. I left a message.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

On Sunday, I brought Wonder up to my sister's house for dinner. When my sister texted me to ask if I wanted to come to dinner, the first thing I thought was "Oh, I should bring along Wonder." It was a bit of a disaster, but not how you might think.

I haven't written much about Wonder (or any of my recent dating experiences) because of some threats I received. Hopefully that is all behind me because I long to write. But Wonder and I met online. I think we have been out between 8 and 10 times. On our first date, Wonder and I talked frankly and I found out she was a germaphobe and she found out that I use public restrooms. She was disgusted, especially at the fact that I don't put those little paper liners down on the seat.

There are some things that I really like about Wonder. She is very kind. She always smells really good. She is a hard worker and knows the value of money. She has a great relationship with her family, especially her nieces and nephews.

There are also some things that I worry about with Wonder. She is a molly mormon. She has a bit of fat potential (FP). In social situations where Wonder is a bit uncomfortable, she tends to stand back and be quiet and just watch the other people interact.

**Before you are too critical of me for saying that a girl has FP, let me just say that everyone has the potential for different things. For a girl, having FP may simply mean that her mom is overweight. Or that she has big bones. I have AP (alcoholic potential) because my grandpa was an alcoholic. Does it mean I am going to be an alcoholic? No. It just means that if left unchecked, I could be.

The biggest question with Wonder is whether our personalities really mesh or not. Lets face it, I am loud and obnoxious and sometimes vulgar. I am hyper. So when a girl tends to just sit back and take all of that in, it appears that our personalities do not match. Such was the case with Sunday. My mom (bless her heart but she drives me crazy sometimes) felt the need to write me an email after the dinner about how she felt that Wonder and I weren't right for each other and that she still thinks I need to get back with House. It didn't ruin my day but it certainly ruined my hour. Who wants to hear from someone they really care about that they think you are making a mistake? Especially when it is something as personal as dating. My mom saw neither all of the interactions between House and I nor all the interactions between Wonder and I. How can she possibly know why I make the decisions that I make?

In all fairness, Wonder and I are not a match made in heaven. There have been a couple of occasions where I said something that Wonder took as perhaps me trying to be offensive towards her family. I didn't mean it that way but it showed we weren't quite on the same page. And while I think it is great that she is such a devout Mormon, it is a bit of a conflict with my own life. It's not that I don't try and live all the church's teachings. It's just that I trip up from time to time. And someone who has never tripped up is bound to have a harder time understanding it.

The email from my mom got me thinking a lot about Wonder. And about the other girls that I date. I guess I am just spinning my wheels. I made a conscious effort and removed the stale daters that were clogging my dating pool. I try and say a prayer before every date that I go on. But, I definitely worry about what sort of match I really want. Of course it is going to take a special person to put up with the energy that I bring to the table. But also, what sort of energy do I want? The more I think about it, the more I crave having someone that is very outgoing. Not just someone that makes a great audience. It's not to say that Wonder is out (and there is no way I would let my mom have that much power over my dating life). But maybe, like U2 I "still haven't found what I'm looking for." Sometimes I am just so tired of looking though.

A long december

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about the song "Long December" by Counting Crows. Especially the lines "maybe this year will be better than the last" and the lines "it's been so long since I've seen the ocean, I guess I should." As of late, my dating life has been tiring. No, my dating life has been exhausting. I feel as if I have been running at a sprint for such a long time while getting nowhere. I suppose the old adage "if you don't know where you are going, maybe you are already there" applies. Or the one that says "no matter where you go, there you are." Maybe I am running from myself. Maybe I am running from what everyone around me perceives me as.

In any case, I am going to stop running. Someone once told me that dating was all a numbers game (or was it me that told someone else that? I can never be too sure). According to my records, at the age of 27 I had been on a first date with 204 women. That is when I stopped keeping records. But I have easily been out with another 100 girls since then. It all started when my bishop told my older brother as he turned 16 that he should try and go out with 20 different girls before he married one. Who knows how different my life might have been if I had never heard those words. So I kept track. It became a bit of a ritual, I got home from a date and I wrote her name on the list. I dated when I had no interest in dating. I dated when I had no money. Sure I dated girls that I was really interested in. But if there wasn't one or she wasn't available, I dated anyway. Some of my friends were very critical of this list (and of my dating habits) but I wasn't really doing it for them. I had this romantic idea in my head that my wife would be the last name on the list and we would frame it and place it in our house to display what I had gone through to find her. Instead, I ended up burning the list in a little ceremony.

People were critical of the list just as they were critical (and still are) of my dating habits. But I can't take everyone's advice all the time. I guess in hindsight, I should have never taken anyone's advice. If I had those dates back, I would probably have enough money to pay off my car and my student loans. I don't think taking that many girls out on dates was selfish.

I do think that I need a change though. I am going to stop going out on dates with girls I don't like. It means I probably will spend a lot more time playing video games or watching tv and a lot less time going to shows, plays, operas, ballets, concerts, baseball games, basketball games, football games, formal dinners, informal dinners, restaurants, etc. Maybe I will start writing music again (although the only thing that ever inspired me to write music was girls). I hope I can continue to blog about some of my more interesting dating experiences.

For the time being

I had to pull the blog down again tonight. I am still amazed at the trouble I managed to kick up by trying to write a blog about my dating life.

Disasters

So when I first started writing this blog about a year and a half ago, it was just to let a few of my friends read my stories and allow myself the opportunity to write more. I was warned often that writing about my dating life might jeopardize some of my personal relationships and hurt some feelings. I shrugged all of that off because nobody was really reading my blog anyway and people wouldn't know what to search for if they wanted to find it anyway. I am not the best at being completely honest about my feelings and emotions in front of people. In fact, I tend to hide behind my "nice guy" persona. Thus, this blog has also provided a bit of therapy by allowing me to say the things that I would never say in person. Typically this has been for the better of "for better or worse" but on Tuesday, it would prove to be for the worse.

On Tuesday, one of the girls I had been going on dates with found my blog and texted me to let me know her disapproval. To say that it stressed me out would be gross understating. Part of the reason that I am such a nice person in real life is that I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So, I began taking advantage of the anonymity that this blog affords me, and I posted some things that were harsher than I should have. I called her and apologized. She told me that I objectified women and that I clearly needed therapy. It seemed rather ironic having her tell me how bad of a person I am for having posted some of the things about her personality that I didn't like.

I immediately pulled the blog offline while I decided what to do. Do I want to keep writing and risk more problems such as this? Do I want to discontinue the blog? Should I sugarcoat everything I write about every girl so as to prevent any feelings from being hurt in the future? I guess what it really comes down to is this question "Am I treating dating as a game or am I truly searching for the right one?" Even though I would like to think it is the latter, I have to admit it is a combination of both. But what right does anybody have to judge me for that? Thus, I am going to continue blogging and let the chips fall where they land.

Fast Food Dating

On Friday night, I went and saw a movie with Gamer and Chief. It wasn't really that interesting. Gamer is just as awkward as ever and Chief has always been very awkward. But it's nice to have friends that want to do stuff with you (although to be honest, I am not sure why they want me to do stuff with them - do they need a chaperone because he is married to someone other than her?). On Saturday I had a date with Simpson. I am so lukewarm about Simpson that it's like swimming in a warm pool when it is hot and humid outside of the pool. I just kind of get no sensation either way. But Simpson is very nice and the conversation was pretty good. After dinner, we made smoothies at my house (in case you are noticing a trend, I finally gave in and purchased a super high powered blender; it's one of those blenders that you can blend anything in and so I have been on a smoothie and milkshake kick) and watched a movie. I made out with Simpson. It's scuzzy and I know it. It's kinda like eating fast food. You know that after you eat it, you are gonna kind of feel sick to your stomach. And you know that eating it for long periods of time is only going to make you fat and unhealthy. But, you are hungry and it's right there and it's cheap and they can get it to you fast. And so you just give in and eat it once in awhile. I know that I don't really like Simpson, because the next day I thought to myself "How am I going to get myself out of this one?"

On Monday night, I talked on the phone with a new girl named Wonder. I haven't yet met Wonder but we are going on a date on Saturday. We have been emailing on the dating website for a little while and she seems pretty cool. Definitely much more conservative than me but it should be fun to go out with her. Last night, TAB came over to make smoothies. We went to the grocery store to purchase appropriate smoothie supplies. TAB was absolutely annoying at the store. Ever since I told her that I thought she was controlling, she kinda tries to pretend like she is not controlling by saying things like "it's your smoothie, what do you want to do?" But then she picks and chooses pretty much everything. The smoothie did not turn out as well as the one with Simpson, even though Simpson and I spent $10 on supplies while TAB and I spent $30 on supplies. We didn't kiss or anything and I have no intention of going out with TAB again. TAB is sort of like an annoying expensive restaurant in Las Vegas with expensive sub-standard food. It's too hard to get and the food you do get is not near worth the expense to obtain it.

Today, I walked into my office to find an envelope from the business where House works. My heart jumped. I was worried I was going to get a scathing letter about how irresponsible I am. Or some other bad news from House. My secretary opens all of my mail (I have no idea if she reads it or not, but the mail is always placed on my desk opened) so I was also a little nervous about what she might have seen. The envelope included a book called "Look me in the eye" and a letter from House. It was kind but basically said that in the future, I should try and be a better communicator. I have struggled so much with wanting to write House an email or call her and try and work things out. In fact, I almost cried while thinking about her this morning. I had/have feelings for her. I just never felt like it was enough. Like that I never felt strong enough about her to justify ruining her life by having me be a large part of it.

Joy Ride

Last week I had a first date with Peanuts. I met Peanuts on the dating website and found out she went to the same law school as me. We met for sushi. Conversation with Peanuts was mostly pretty easy. We decided to just meet for a casual dinner of sushi. Peanuts is cute but I am not sure yet how attracted to her I am. She put lip gloss on while I was still eating dinner. It was mildly frustrating. I think I will take her out again, although I am not certain. I told her I would on the date but I have second guessed myself a couple of times.

I am pretty sure I had a date with TAB but I can't really remember it. I am sure she kinda drove me crazy, whatever it was. I am still texting her, which shows maybe there is more interest there than I am willing to admit.

On Friday night, I went out with Dee and Dum. I might have also told them about this blog. And I might have also allowed them to read some of it. And I might have also read aloud to them some of the blogs about them. I don't know why, I just did. They didn't seem too mad. I was a little worried that they might be upset with me for their nicknames (sorry Dum) or because I said that they were crazy. Dee and Dum have set up accounts on another dating website to catch married men attempting to cheat. I don't think this sort of thing would even occur to me but they have it set up and they are going to set up meetings and sit in a car and watch some dirty guy show up expecting to have sex with them only to be stood up. They want me to come along. I am pretty sure there is a movie where this sort of thing happened and people ended up getting murdered. I can think of at least one. That trucker movie Joy Ride where the kids pretend to be some girl and they tell the driver a hotel room to meet them at as a joke and the next day someone was murdered in that hotel and then the semi starts following them all over. A bit unrealistic because how hard is it to outrun a semi-truck if you are in a car?

Simpson has been texting me again so I scheduled a date for her for Saturday. I guess it has been about two years of back and forth with Simpson. Hard to get my hopes up that this go around will be any better than any of the other go arounds. I have met a couple other girls on the dating site and am planning on going on dates with them in the next week or two.

How dating is not like house hunting - and why it should be

I wish dating were a little more like house hunting. When I decided to buy a house, the first thing I did is hire a realtor. Her name was Heather and she was fantastic. The first thing Heather did was figure out my finances to determine what I could afford. In other words, what sort of house (or girl) I deserved or could competitively get. We came up with an acceptable range and some of the deal breakers (must have an attached garage - no junk in the trunk, must have at least 3 bedrooms - must be neither underweight or overweight, must be in a good neighborhood - must come from a good family). That range basically laid out what I could expect to get in a house.

Next, we visited houses. Some nights we would go to 10 or 12 different houses. She always drove so that I could eat cookies in the passenger seat. Heather picked out all the potential houses and sent me pictures. I was free to veto any of the pictures if they looked like they wouldn't be something I would want. Heather and I probably looked at over 100 houses. We would show up at a house and Heather would immediately explain to me what the positives and negatives of that particular house were. I am picky but I don't realize it. So I would look at a house and say "well, I think I like this and this," and Heather would say "I can already tell you don't like this house." So we would move on.

I chose a house and put an offer on it. This is sort of like getting into a relationship with a girl. My parents came and viewed the house, along with a few of my close friends, and they said that they weren't really sure it fit me. So Heather and I went out on another trip and looked at even more houses. That last trip was almost a disaster. Heather and I looked at a number of houses that were not at all what I wanted. We stopped at our last house of the evening both feeling a bit frustrated. The house was gorgeous. It was well within my price range although the sellers were asking a little more than what I had hoped to pay. After 15 minutes of walking through the house, I knew it was the one. We got into the car, and without me even saying anything, Heather knew it was the one too. We did the paperwork, canceled the contract on the first house and made an offer on the second house.

Part of the problem with dating is that I never get to really see what all the options are. When I go to parties, I am only looking at the flashy expensive luxury houses. They are out of my price range and more house than I want. When I go to a singles ward, I feel as if I am looking at the fixer uppers. The ones where you get a lot equity fast but may need a little work before you can move in. If I go to a bar, I am really just looking at apartments (temporary) or condos (not really what I want). While I was still in college, I had the opportunity to view all the new models. It was like the Home Show where they show you all the newest latest and greatest house technologies. The problem with those houses is that everyone wants to buy them, so it is a seller's market, which drives prices up. Now that I am out of college, I hardly see any houses that are for sale. I follow the same path to work and home every day. I pass maybe three houses that are for sale and not one of them interest me. What I need is a marriage realtor. One that can accurately assess what options are appropriate for me and what options are outside of my league (up or down). And one that only charges once I actually settle down. How much can one expect to pay for a service like that? Do you know anyone that offers a service like that?

The Long and Short of it

So House and I ended things last week. Well, I should say that House ended things and I let her go. It made me a lot more sad than I let on to anyone. She did it via an email and her reasons made sense. She just couldn't handle waiting any longer to figure out what it is that I want. I think part of the issue is that since House starred in that commercial, she has been inundated with options. Everyone wants to know what her dating situation is like and they want to set her up. She told me that she felt like she was wasting opportunities by not going out on those dates since she had no idea where her and I stand. I am not the least bit mad at her for it. I totally understand why she did what she needs to do. But it's hard to explain to anyone else. Littlebrother seemed to be the only person that I talked to that really had any understanding. My mom actually came over and punched me in the shoulder. She was kinda mad.

I hung out with TAB twice last week. She drove me crazy both times. I don't think I can do much with her anymore. Besides being a bit controlling, she can also be mean. She isn't very sensitive to other's feelings and none of my roommates like her. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

We watched the Bachelor, well sorta

On Wednesday night, TAB and I went out. Well, sorta. I met her at her house and we watched the Bachelor. Well, sorta. See, TAB wanted to watch the Bachelor but then when we started watching it, she got really frustrated with it and didn't want to watch it anymore. So we switched to Modern Family. I don't really watch that much tv but it was a fun show to watch. TAB was being pretty obnoxious though. For some reason, I think she was trying to push my buttons. The thing is, with how stressed I have been at work lately, I was feeling particularly patient putting up with her shenanigans. Still, TAB acted like a spoiled 15 year old girl. We ended up kissing but I left wondering what it was that I saw in TAB. I didn't have lots of fun with her; if anything watching tv with her reminded me of watching tv with Jasmine.

On Thursday, I went to the wedding reception of House's brother. House had invited me and I was glad I went. I had fun just sitting and talking with House. On Friday, I had another date with TAB. After dinner, TAB said that she was tired and had to get up early the next morning so I took her to her house. I haven't quite got TAB figured out. She has the attention span of a 5 year old. She might like me a lot one minute and not like me at all the next minute.

On Sunday, House and I went to dinner with my family at my grandma's house. It was a lot of fun. House is just super chill with people. Compared to some of the other girls I have dated, of course my family is going to like House. Still, House handled it like a charm. We had fun playing with my cousins on the wii. Still, I couldn't help but think about what an older gentleman in my family ward had told me earlier that day. "But what if I don't know if she is the right one?" I asked. "Then she isn't and you should leave her and move on," was his reply.

TAB texted me on Sunday night to say she didn't think she could date me because, she said she is "really hestitant about things with you. I don't want to string you along. I don't know what to do..." Then 10 minutes later she said "I'm in a strange place and need to take it slow... but I want to see you. I'm annoying, huh?" Today she texted me and said "Let's try to get together and we'll play it by ear?" I didn't respond. The whole thing is just weird.

Am I just playing House?

I have been busy with the holidays and haven't felt like posting. Let's see if I can remember. My date with Lebron was rather dull. In fact, it was just plain boring. We drove to a Christmas party hosted by GetErDone and Lebron had a hard time giving us anything to talk about. I was in a bit of a fiesty mood so I wanted to talk about her opinions on politics or schools or something interesting. They were all dead ends. I tried talking about school vouchers cause she is a teacher and she basically said she didn't have an opinion on the subject. So I tried talking about movies. Turns out Lebron doesn't really like movies that much. I dropped her off early and headed home. I received a text from TAB saying her plans had canceled so I invited her over to watch a Christmas movie. While TAB was driving over to my house, I received a call from MrShit. It was fun talking to her but it's so hard when she is too far away to ever see.

That night, TAB and I cuddled and I felt myself kind of leaning towards liking her. The thing is, House is better than TAB in pretty much every category. Ugh, that sounds awful. TAB is a really cool girl but she is definitely a bit spacey at times. I think part of the problem is that I am driven to like girls that are a bit crazy. House came over one night and we exchanged Christmas gifts. It was short lived cause I was sick. I really do feel bad that I am not falling in love with House. In fact, I am kinda pissed off at myself.

Over New Years, Dee and Dum and RunsWithScissors and I headed to Las Vegas. We met up with Dee's friend Unwritten for dinner. I immediately kinda liked Unwritten. She is really tall and very pretty. Plus, she is super chill. Not a bad girl at all. But just more relaxed in social situations. As we were eating dinner, I came up with an idea for challenges that each of us was to try and complete before the evening was over. It was a fun idea and everyone helped come up with ideas. My challenge was to propose to Unwritten 11 times in front of large groups of people. So I bought a cheap ring in a gift shop and got to it. You would not believe the kind of reaction you get when you propose to a girl in front of a huge crowd on New Years Eve. People started cheering. They gave me high fives. They wanted to see the ring. On the fourth (and final time), people came running at us and started running in circles around us. Unwritten was a good sport but four times was enough for both of us. Unwritten is still getting over an exboyfriend and is pretty much undateable right now.

On New Years Day, we met up with Unwritten and her brother for dinner. Our waitress Dispatch was very pretty. She reminded me of WTEG a lot. Not fat but not skinny. More curvy. And she just seemed really fun. It was a bit depressing cause she flirted with Unwritten's brother a bunch. What was I gonna do anyway? Ask for her number? I doubt it.

House sent me a message on New Years Day in distress. She was trying to figure out why we weren't spending much time together. I think House has been a really good sport through all of this. I really don't feel like I have been stringing House along although I know a lot of people would argue otherwise. I wrote her an email today explaining how much I liked her but how I wasn't falling in love with her and I wasn't sure if it was because we weren't right for each other or because I have defense mechanisms set up. To be honest, I am really scared to see how she might reply. Of course it is selfish to want to keep House around without my being ready to commit to her. I don't like myself for even considering it. But should I really drop the girl that is probably the best fitted to me because I am unsure about myself? If I were sure that House wasn't the one, I would have dropped her a long time ago.