Friday, May 28, 2010

Kissing across languages

Mormon Bachelor Pad recently wrote a blog post about kissing a girl that had limited kissing skills. It reminded me of an experience I had a few years ago. HandsomeRob served his mission in Brazil and he knows tons of Brazilians. Oftentimes, HandsomeRob would invite me along to Brazilian parties that he was invited to. I didn't speak Portuguese so I often found myself in awkward situations at these parties.

One party had a karaoke machine. Everyone was having great fun singing popular Brazilian songs. A really cute Brazilian girl (lets call her Braza) was doing some of the singing. We flirted a bit. Braza spoke a bit of English but to say she was fluent in it would be a lie. We tried singing a duet of a popular Brazilian song but holy crap, that stuff moves fast and my Portuguese reading skills are probably on par with my Portuguese speaking skills. So we sang a duet of an English song. This is probably what led me to believe that Braza understood what I was saying. I was wrong.

We went to her apartment after the party to watch The Incredibles. I think this further persuaded me that Braza spoke fluent English. HandsomeRob played an excellent wingman by sitting on the floor while we watched the movie. We had drove there together so we didn't have lots of options. It took probably half the movie to get Braza to cuddle with me. It just wasn't very natural. But then, less than 5 seconds after starting to cuddle, Braza and I were making out. This was my first experience kissing a Brazilian.

So, we started kissing and here is what happened. Braza took her tongue, inserted it in my mouth and then stopped. I kid you not. She put her tongue inside my mouth like a dead anchovy and then she... did... nothing... It just kinda sat there. Don't get me wrong, I like having a cute girl's tongue in my mouth as much as the next guy. However, I don't so much enjoy having a cute dead girl's tongue in my mouth, which is what this felt like. Her tongue wasn't going cold, it just wasn't moving at all. I tried pushing her tongue out with my tongue but she was obviously practiced in the skill of tongue wrestling, rendering my tongue ineffective at removing her tongue. Finally, I pulled away in desperation.

Not wanting to disturb HandsomeRob (because I was grateful he was finally playing wingman to me - how many times I had sat there watching a movie while he macked on some chick? I lost count), I tried to quietly explain to Braza that a little less tongue would be appreciated. "Hey, uhh, Braza, I like kissing you, and uh, it's great, but could you maybe just use a little less tongue?" Her response of "OK" let me know she understood every word that came out of my mouth. I moved back in and we began making out. Braza wasted no time in again aggresively inserting her tongue into my mouth and claiming the territory as her own. I was growing a bit frustrated. I pulled away again. I seriously considered asking HandsomeRob for help but decided to try and explain again to Braza. "Hey, so, yeah, I am not sure if you understood me last time, and it's totally ok if you didn't, but anyway, I was kinda hoping maybe you could use less tongue. Would that be possible?" Again, Braza responded in the affirmative with "OK."

We started making out again. Third time is a charm right? Wrong. Braza took her tongue and placed it in my mouth like it was now her designated tongue parking spot. Then she took the keys with her and went into the mall (metaphorically speaking, really it just meant that she left the tongue there with no intention of moving it in the near future). I decided to take a more aggressive approach. So I bit down on Braza's tongue. I think I might have bitten a bit harder than intended. Let me tell you, Braza jerked away with a huge amount of shock in her eyes. I half expected her to come at me throwing punches. Maybe I had drawn blood. Then, Braza looked at me and sported a bit of a kinky smile and I knew I was done.

On the drive home, I learned from HandsomeRob that "o que" in Portuguese means "what?" I never called Braza again, because I realized we wouldn't be able to talk on the phone since we didn't speak the same language.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Story of my life: talking about nothing

On Friday night, MrsChief, Chief, Gamer and I went to see MacGruber. It wasn't a particularly great movie. Oh yeah, and Gamer brought one of her friends. After the movie, we were standing in the hallway talking. Talking about nothing. I had some soda during the movie and I really had to go. But, it appeared that all the bathrooms for the theater were past the ticket counter (we were in the main lobby). So, the conversation was going nowhere, I really had to go and it felt awkward. The situation was just weird and I wasn't thinking straight. So I kinda just walked away. And didn't come back. It was pouring rain so I decided to just go straight to my car and drive home rather than try and find a bathroom.

When I got home, Gamer texted me and said something about how weird it was that I had left. I guess it was kinda weird. But it's not like we had any other plans after the movie. And it's not like I was on a date with Gamer. How can I tell that Gamer really likes me? She still wanted to come over to my house and hang out. We hung out for a little while and then she took off cause I needed to get up the next morning and get some work done.

On Sunday evening, I went over to Gamer's to play some Super Mario Bros. on her Wii. You may not know this about me but I love Super Mario Bros. Since the day my older brother received a Nintendo for his birthday, I have been fascinated with the game. I have a lot of fun with Gamer but I am just not falling for her.

Other Notes: I called Simpson over the weekend and left a message but she never called me back. I think Simpson might be pulling another disappearing act. Crack told me today that he is setting me up with his personal trainer. FarFarAway called me on Saturday to hang out and again last night.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Is that a hairless cat?

I was supposed to go to dinner with Simpson the other night. But when I texted her, she told me she had forgotten and that she had some car problems that needed taken care of. I know it sounds dumb but I was kinda bugged at Simpson about it. So I haven't contacted her since.

Last night I went to a condo with Sugarloaf, Barrel, TheCaptain, Robin (The Boy Wonder), Giselle, this girl BigMac and this girl LuvMeLongTime. LuvMeLongTime and Giselle are really good friends. I really have no interest in dating any of these girls. It's amazing how hard it is to get girls to come along on things with us. I know Sugarloaf called like 5 girls and none came. TheCaptain brought along all three (all of whom I had met before). Everytime I hear girls complain about how they are never hanging out with guys, I have a hard time believing it. Either there are tons more guys than girls around or huge groups of girls are going around with a small number of guys. Either way, it pisses me off.

While I was in law school, a coworker showed me a picture of his sister-in-law named Sphynx. She was really cute. I suggested he set me up with her and he told me that I had no idea what I was getting into. Sphynx bred/raised hairless cats. She didn't have one or two or three or four. She had 17! Still, she looked cute enough and I thought to myself "How bad can a bunch of cats be?" On our first date, Sphynx seemed fairly normal, albeit a little shy. The date was fairly short and I thought I would ask her out again. As we were driving after dinner, Sphynx told me that a year earlier, she had been stealing oxycontin from the pharmacy where she worked and had been sent to rehab. I know it's a good idea to get things like that out in the open fairly early on, but conversations about recent drug abuse on a second date is not recommended.

Still, the date went well enough. We watched a movie at her house (well, her parent's house where she lived) and things appeared to be going well. We started making out and I kid you not, a hairless cat jumped up on me. Google "hairless cat" if you wanna see what these creepy things look like.

A few days later, Sphynx called me and asked me to go to a baby blessing of her sister's baby (my coworker's kid). I agreed. We sat down in sacrament meeting but Sphynx felt like confessing. So, as the sacrament was being passed, Sphynx told me how many tattoos she had (three). Then she told me how many piercings she had once had (9, including one in an unmentionable location). About a week later, Sphynx called me and invited me to a family dinner at her house. I accepted. I showed up and Sphynx acted particularly weird. She seriously asked me if I was ok like 7 times during dinner. She seemed high. My coworker told me that before I had arrived, she was freaking out and needed help doing her hair. She had just come from work at the pharmacy (yeah, she was able to continue working there) and he thought she had taken something there. She told me she had only taken a Xanax but it seemed like she had taken more.

After dinner, she was really rude to her mom (we were in her parent's house and her mom was watching tv; Sphynx told her mom that she was being rude for not leaving the room to let us watch what we wanted to watch (even though the basketball game on that her mom was watching was plenty interesting to me)). At this point, I decided I had just about enough with Sphynx. She got a text from some guy and she told me about how he wanted to date her but that she didn't want to date him, she wanted to date me! It really freaked me out. I said something about wanting to leave and she kinda grabbed onto me and was like "No, you can't leave yet." Not wanting to be rude, I stayed for over an hour after that. I was really put off by the whole thing though.

A week or two later, I decided that the only solution was for me to "break-up" with Spynx, even though we had never really gotten together. Whenever I meet a girl that is a bit crazy, I usually gauge her craziness on a "how many hairless cats" scale. Sphynx was a 17 hairless cats amount of crazy.

Other notes: Pulse is now officially in a relationship on facebook.

Monday, May 17, 2010

White trash roots

On Friday, Cowboy called me up and wanted to know if I would double with him. I already had a date planned with Simpson. We met up and went to the dance studio to learn the tango. Simpson was not as impressed as I thought she might be. After all, normally isn't it the girl that is begging the guy to go take dance lessons. She thought it was kind of dumb to learn to do old dances like that. I thought it was quite fun and the tango is a fun dance to learn.

After dinner, we headed out to the drag races. I will always have a special place in my heart for white trash people. Perhaps it was the many years I worked at Wal Mart. So going to watch drag races just gives me a warm feeling inside. Of course, as we watched the cars race, all I really wanted to do was get my own car out there to race. According to online specifications, my car should be able to do a 1/4 mile in 13.9 seconds, which was faster than more than half of the cars there. I saw one car nearly break the 1/4 mile in under 10 seconds. I should have been a racecar driver. Sugarloaf, Barrel and Arches were there too. Simpson had fun but she was tired. I dropped her off, gave her a goodnight kiss and headed home.

On Saturday, KJo and I met for lunch and some furniture shopping. We found a place selling these giraffes that were about 5 feet tall for $6500. Ha ha, I was tempted but not that tempted. By late afternoon, I was tired so I delayed my date with Gamer for a bit while I took a nap. I met up with Gamer and after a quick dinner, we went and saw the movie The Good, the bad, the weird. She had initially suggested we see Robin Hood but I wasn't sure I could handle two hours of hollywood crap. The Good, the bad, the weird is this chinese action movie. The action scenes moved a little too fast on occasion and sometimes the subtitles in white were impossible to read but the movie was fun. I know Gamer enjoyed it.

We drove back to her car. As we were saying our goodbyes, this homeless dude walked up for a chat in the hopes of scoring some cash. I don't particularly like to give money to homeless people. I get asked for money nearly every day and professional beggars have a particular ability at irking me. So when the homeless dude said he just needed money for a ride to where he was staying, I thought "why not just give him a ride?" Gamer gave me this look like I was dumb as dirt. So she got into her car and the homeless dude and I got into my car. We drove for about three blocks (and the smell was quite intense) before I discovered that the homeless dude had zero interest in getting a ride out to this place (which sort of invalidated his original request for money). So now, I had a homeless dude inside my car begging me for money while drunk as a skunk (and as smelly as one too). Not wanting to give him money, I took him through the drivethru at McDonalds. He didn't stop asking for money the entire time (until I dropped him off back where I had picked him up). I chided him a little about needing to figure out what he was doing with his life (can you imagine a guy saying "and when that guy took me to McDonalds late one Saturday night and told me to figure out my life, that's when I saw the light and decided to stop using drugs and drinking and straighten out my life!") At least it got him out of the car.

On Sunday, I invited Gamer over to watch a movie (I called Simpson first but she was visiting her grandma and couldn't come). I just needed some company. Gamer came over and we watched a movie and cuddled. Now, before you get all judgmental on me, let me clarify a few things. One, I do like Gamer. She is fun to be around. She is interesting. And she is attractive. But I dont really see her as a potential girlfriend/spouse. I just don't feel like I am a bad person for spending time with her.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Will it ever be enough?

On Wednesday night, I headed over to Gamer's place. We had planned to go bowling but it ended up being too late. So we played mario on her wii for a little while. Then I sang a couple of songs for her with her guitar that I wrote years ago. We made out and I left. I felt awful on the drive home from her house. Why? Because I knew that I was going to hurt her. At this point, there is absolutely no way for me to not cause her pain. I know she isn't right for me. Dating her will never be enough for me.

I know that the right answer of what I should do is tell her right away. I should call her up and just explain that I think she is really cool but it just doesn't feel right. That would hurt her less than dragging it out, right? But I am not sure if I am going to do that. A part of me, a very large part, wants to just drag it out. Slowly start hanging out with her less and less and hope she meets some other guy and can reject me in favor of him. This is exactly what happened with Pulse and probably what I am most comfortable with. But it isn't right and I know it.

I like Gamer. She is cool to hang out with. She is very spunky. She is very unique. She collects action figures, loves video games, plays guitar and is fun to be around. It just isn't enough.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

One year of blogging/sabotaging my marriage prospects

I first decided to write a dating blog after several conversations with the infamous Holly Lynn. Her blog "if i were really skinny..." was the inspiration for my blog, even though our blogs have almost nothing in common (hers is about fashion and pop culture and diet coke - mine is about my dating escapades). I was there when Holly Lynn got a boyfriend (well, not physically there, man that would have been awkward - just heard about it from her soon after the fact) and I was there when I found out Holly Lynn got engaged (I wasn't there when she got married, even though I had promised her a quilt with something about her husband's nickname "de la rocca - conservative" embroidered on it, sorry about that Holly Lynn, I am not sure you really would want a quilt like that anyway, if you were just going to throw it away, it doesn't really make sense for me to have it made, does it?). Since then, Holly's blog posts have become fewer and farther apart.

After I began blogging, my good friend Lorelei from law school read my blog and decided to start her own dating blog "Date Lorelei" which was a much better put-together blog than this one. Now that Lorelei has become engaged, she has stopped posting on her blog. Although I certainly wish her well, when a friend that is a girl gets married, the dynamic of the friendship changes. I just don't feel as comfortable chatting with married women. So I feel as if I am losing Lorelei as a friend in much the same way I lost Holly Lynn as a friend and the way I lost Chanel many years ago as a friend. Another one of my good friends from law school got engaged a few weeks ago. It has me reflecting quite a bit on my position in life and dating.

Maybe I subconsciously don't want to get married. When my friends have gotten married, most of them have deserted me. I will admit that I have a lot of bad feelings towards marriage. Besides the fact that many (if not most, depending on who you ask) married couples are unhappy, there is also the huge chance that the marriage will not be successful (no matter what you do, you cannot control the actions of another person and marriage always involves two people (well, at least two)). Could I be sabotaging potential relationships to ensure that I keep my single life? After all, every year that I remain single, I get to live how I want, buy what I want and do what I want. Being married would be a major life change for me. I would have to develop a budget (which I make fun of my friend Crack for nearly every day). I would have to go to bed at a regular time every day. I would have to spend my saturdays helping in-laws that I can't stand move from one crappy apartment to another cause they are too cheap to hire someone. I would have to learn to accept the kooky holiday traditions of my in-laws. Maybe I am not ready for marriage.

Monday, May 10, 2010

If you want a revolution, the only solution evolve

On Friday, UpsideDown messaged me to let me know that she couldn't go out with me. It wasn't a huge surprise for me. I texted Gamer and asked if she wanted to go to littlelittlebrother's soccer game. She said it sounded like fun and would meet me at my house. The game was heartbreaking. Littlelittlebrother played really well but his team lost in double overtime. Rather than wait around while my entire family asked Gamer questions, we took off and got tickets to the new Ironman 2 movie. The movie wasn't all that great but it wasn't awful. Neither of us particularly loved it. Then we went back to my house and talked on the couch for a bit. I could tell that Gamer wanted me to kiss her. To be honest, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to kiss her though. So I hugged her and sent her on her way.

On Saturday, I had a date planned with Simpson. As I was pulling out of my driveway to go pick her up, I decided to pick 4 pink tulips from my front yard to give to her. I don't know much about flowers. For some reason, they just grow around my house. I guess they must be bulbs planted. Anyway, I think it definitely earned me some brownie points with Simpson when I showed up at her house holding a bouquet of freshly handpicked flowers. We went to dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant and then watched a movie back at my house. After the movie, it felt pretty natural to just move in and make out with Simpson. After all, a year ago I made out with Simpson several times. It was a pretty good make out. There are definitely a lot of qualities about Simpson that I like.

On Sunday, after a mothers day dinner with my family, I headed over to Gamer's to watch a movie. We cuddled during the movie but things definitely don't feel as natural with Gamer as they do with Simpson. Nevertheless, I ended up making out with Gamer. It was a much more awkward make out. For one, I think Gamer's couch kinda smells like urine (from her yappy dog, no doubt; or because it is a really old couch). Also, I think Simpson is way more experienced at the whole thing than Gamer (for better or for worse). Overall, a successful weekend.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Simpson and I went out last night. She almost canceled the date at the last minute cause she had to take her mom to her sister's place (her mom is in from out of town and doesn't have a car here). The conversation went really well. One thing about Simpson is that I feel very comfortable around her. She is smart enough to have a decent conversation with but not so smart as to be self aware (which usually leads to awkwardness). At the end of the date, I didn't find myself laying in bed thinking about her. I don't feel inspired to write a song about her. I want to go out with her again. I just don't feel that extra umph. That unexplainable something that you feel with some people and don't feel with others. We made plans to do something on Saturday.

Today I rememberd that I had already made plans for Saturday with UpsideDown. UpsideDown and I used to work together many years ago. She found me on the facebook and I thought it would be fun to hang out. I don't know how serious I am/could be about dating UpsideDown because she has several kids and we never really clicked that well. I am gonna try and move the hang out with UpsideDown to Friday so I can do the date with Simpson on Saturday.

Notes: I told FormerLesbian that I would go running with her today. The poor girl is suffering from depression and I think she really needs some friends. Pulse told me she was hanging out with her exboyfriend. Since then, she has been fairly distant. In fact, she didn't even respond to my last text. On Sunday, I talked for a few seconds to this girl Filer. I have kinda known Filer for over a year. She is good friends with TheFlake. Filer looked really good at church and I found myself wanting to date her. The problem is, Filer taught TheFlake everything she knows about how to flirt with boys but keep them at arms length. It's like trying to beat Mike Tyson in Punch-Out!! before you are able to beat Don Flamenco. You are outmatched and in way over your head.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Are you cooler than me?

I was supposed to go on a date with Simpson on Friday night but she canceled. She said her mom was in town and it sounded legit enough that I just let it slide. We made plans to do something tonight but then last night she texted me and asked if we could move it to tomorrow night. Maybe the reason I stopped dating Simpson a year ago was because it was just so hard to actually see her.

On Sunday, I went to church at the 90210 ward. There were literally 500 people there. To anyone who says there is not a mormon aristocracy, I present the 90210 ward as exhibit A. Sacrament meeting is a freaking fashion show. In most singles wards, the parking lot resembles a badly maintained used car lot. There will be cars with the spare tire on, cars with cracked windshields, and cars without paint jobs. Typical for the poor college students that attend. Not the 90210 ward. Harley Davidson motorcycles, lexus, audi, mercedes, ferrari (singular) and other brands fill the lot. Both the guys and the girls look like fashion models. Girls walk around with $1000 purses and $1000 high heels. Some of the guys have expensive business suits. I hadnt showered cause I was running late. And I had a moustache. I felt super out of place. As I sat there looking at all the beautiful people, I felt more and more like there was no way I was ever going to meet someone. I left in a very bad mood.

I took a nap to reset and then went over to Gamer's place to play video games. We played Super Mario Bros on the wii for like 4 hours. It was fun. Gamer is absolutely not as cute as some of the other girls I have dated. She is completely inactive in the church. She uses the F word quite frequently. She is socially awkward.

A few years ago, I did an internship. I was roommates with Kenny. Kenny was a nice enough kid. One time we had a conversation and he basically told me that he knew he was cooler than me. It bothered me at the time. I mean, he probably was cooler than me. But I disliked the fact that he had to tell me he thought he was cooler than me. With some of the girls I date, I think it is the same. They may not come right out and say it but they think they are cooler than me. Maybe all the really attractive girls think that. I mean, they have spent their whole lives being told how much better they are than everyone else (the mormon princess syndrome) by their dad, their mom, their siblings, their church teachers, their friends at school and their boyfriends that they actually start believing it.

When I take one of these girls out on a date, they have know that they are better than me. Sure, they may give me a chance. But did I ever really have a chance? I don't think I did. With Gamer, I know that she doesnt think she is better than me.