Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A mini-breakdown and a mini-DTR

Last week I stressed out about Jewel. Big time. It's kinda hard to explain but I got really depressed and worried that Jewel wasn't interested in me. And I let it resonate in my head, getting stronger with each round. When I received a text, my first thought was "great, Jewel is texting to let me know she is dating somebody else." It was very self destructive. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was haggard from the stress. And guess what? Nothing had happened! I hadn't received any texts from Jewel suggesting she wasn't interested in me. She is definitely scatterbrained and may take a few days to respond to a text but it was never malicious.

I talked with a number of different friends about it and came to the realization that the problem was me. I have a pattern when I start liking a girl. I started thinking back to a number of other girls that I have liked in the past and I seemed to have the same mindset. I started liking them, freaked myself out, and somehow things fell apart. Either I did something really heavy (like writing them a letter expressing my undying love) or I took myself out of competition, I never really handled it well. So I have become determined to handle things differently with Jewel.

On Saturday, we had made plans to go on a bike ride. However, the weather turned foul. We ended up eating dinner at my favorite restaurant. I don't know if Jewel was impressed with the place but she definitely liked her food. Then we went to the apple store cause Jewel thought I should buy a macbook air or something. It was fun looking at the stuff with her. We also stopped by an art gallery to compare some of our tastes in art. Just talking to Jewel made me feel much better. I conquered some of my fears and just asked her about things. I got some really interesting answers.

One of my first questions was if she was still interested in me. She looked at me like I was kind of dumb and said "why would I keep going out with you if I wasn't still interested in you?" I couldn't just blurt out "cause that's what I do and I suspected you would do the same." Basically, Jewel told me to just relax. If she decided she didn't like me anymore, she would just tell me and I would know. Don't get me wrong, Jewel is not without her idiosyncrasies. She told me that she liked kissing me but that she didn't want it to cloud her judgment. So, she had decided to not kiss me for awhile. Kinda bothersome but if it makes her feel more comfortable with things, I can understand, I guess.

Jewel and I met today for lunch. As usual, we talked way too much about her intern that she can't stand. But, I learned a little more about her. For one, I learned that Jewel has trouble sleeping and never feels rested. Except when she sleeps at her mother's house. I am not sure how I feel about that. But I definitely like her.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The similarities between Princess and Jewel

I went out with Jewel twice last week. I didn't kiss her after either date. Why? Because I discovered last week that I like her. I am not sure when it happened or how it happened. I just found myself thinking that I would rather go out with Jewel than do something on my own. I found myself thinking about her during the day. I was upset about her smugness about California. You see, Jewel is from California and she always tells me how great it is there. She goes there to visit her mother every other weekend. I think my realization that Jewel likes California more than she likes me was what made me realize that I liked Jewel. Along with liking her came an odd side effect: I started worrying about her leaving. I had flashbacks to dating Princess years ago.

For the first 6 weeks of dating Princess, I was unsure about her. She was pretty but I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her. Princess was a bit uppity and at the time, I held myself out to be a very regular guy. After all, I was driving a truck for a living. After each of our dates, as I drove home, I considered not calling or seeing her again. I felt as if Princess liked me more than I liked her. And then in an instant, everything changed. Princess informed me that her ex-boyfriend was coming back from an internship and she was going on a date with him that weekend. She said that because we had never discussed our "relationship" she was free to go out with him and maybe even kiss him. The following morning, I left on an interstate job. Over the next few days, I worked 80 hours. Most of the time was spent by myself in the truck on the open road. Nothing to think about except Princess. And losing her. Such was the beginning of the end. Our relationship didn't end that weekend. Instead, it was on life support for 6 weeks. I guess I can understand when a family keeps a loved one on life support long after the doctors have told them it's over. I fought desperately to get back what I had lost but in the end, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. What happened with Princess that summer 6 years ago still haunts me.

So when I started liking Jewel, I felt her pulling away. I saw the future. I can't relax around her. It's as if I feel smothered by her sudden lack of interest. But did she change? Probably not. Over the past few days, I realized that Jewel can break my heart.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

An apple you just barely can't reach

I have been out with Jewel a number of times since my last post, but I haven't felt as interested in writing about our dates. I always have fun with Jewel. She makes me laugh and every activity seems like a lot of fun. But, I started becoming more unsure about Jewel a week or so ago. Jewel is definitely a cute girl. But I found myself feeling less than committed to her. I thought maybe it was because I am not attracted enough to her. Last week, Jewel gave me the cold shoulder for most of the week. I actually started getting nervous, thinking that maybe she had decided to be done with me. When I did set up a date with her, I suggested Saturday but Jewel shrugged it off and said that Saturday wouldn't work. I could tell that she had another date set up for Saturday. We met on Wednesday instead and got Indian food.

I think Jewel pulling back a little (whether intentional or not) kinda pushed me into opening up my feelings for her a little more. I found myself wanting to spend more time with her. After dinner, we drove around in my car. Jewel wanted to drive and so we had a lot of fun listening to country music while crusing the streets. (side note: are we always going to listen to only country music? I like country music but I think it's fair that she commit to listening to what I want to listen when we are in my car) We ended up planning a date for Friday night and talking about Jewel's date on Saturday. Luckily, she wasn't too excited about it.

On Friday, Jewel and I hit up a baseball game. I love going to baseball games and surprisingly, Jewel really enjoys it as well. Of course, the local team isn't as good as her hometown team but I still had a blast. We ate dinner at a nice restaurant and then watched a few episodes of Jersey Shore back at my place (side note: Jewel and I both really enjoy Jersey Shore, her because I think she has a bit of a secret crush on Pauly D, me because watching their train wreck lives makes me feel a little better about my own life). We ended up making out and it was by far the best makeout that Jewel and I have shared. After Jewel left, I definitely felt myself starting to like her more.

On Saturday, I met up with my friend DrJ for some frisbee. We were playing with a bunch of people when two girls showed up. One was a girl I used to be interested in named Cabinet and the other was a girl I have never met named Dream. Dream actually added me as a friend on Facebook several months ago, but since I had never met her, I hadn't (and still haven't) accepted her request. I didn't really get a chance to talk to Dream but let me tell you this, she was gorgeous. And a little bundle of energy. Several of my friends have tried to date Dream and she has given them the cold shoulder. Still, you could tell by the way people acted around her that everyone adored her. Dream is the kind of girl that every guy has a crush on. Probably because she looks you in the eye and smiles. She is that girl that you just think for a second maybe you might have a chance with. Dream totally reminds me of girls from my distant past such as Cassie and Mindy. Maybe it's just the way they smile in a mischievous way that gets me. Maybe it's the feeling that you are just barely out of their league that causes guys to go crazy. I have plenty of mean girls that are not as pretty as Dream that I know are out of my league. But my guess is that every guy sees Dream as being just out of reach. Like an apple on a tree that they just barely can't reach, holding on to a branch and leaning out. Dream is of the mold that causes a lot of guys to end up with a broken leg.