Friday, January 22, 2010

Pseudo-douche bags

I had a first date with a girl on Wednesday. Let's call her Spinster. GetErDone set me up with Spinster so it was a blind date. It was actually one of the better first dates that I have been on in awhile. I am trying to follow the advice of my friends and not get too excited yet. Still, the date went well. We met up and went to dinner at the Melting Pot. The conversation seemed to flow easily. I told her about how I don't eat pickles because I had a pickle dream when I was 16 and woke up with the taste of pickles in my mouth and she said it was probably the funniest thing she has ever heard. I definitely want to take her out again, but we will have to see if she is even still available when I get back from my cruise (girls I am interested in seem to get boyfriends while I am on vacation).

Last night, Sugarloaf and I were talking while at the gym. He had plans to hang out later that night with a couple of girls and Barrel. Barrel is a chill guy; I like him a lot. However, Barrel basically makes it impossible for guys like Sugarloaf and I to compete. Unless a girl really likes us, she will inevitably go for Barrel. He is better looking, in better shape, more charming, and just generally better with girls than us. He is what I will refer to as a pseudo-douche bag. A pseudo-douche bag is a guy that I know treats women like objects (although the women ALWAYS go willingly) but is an overall decent guy. Typically a douche bag is some guy I don't really know and is therefore competition. Sorta like the greeks labeled everyone not greek as barbarians. I label a lot of the guys I don't know as douche bags.

Even though I think the world of Barrel, his existence is like swimming against Michael Phelps. His presence alone ensures that I can't win. Unless he has been smoking pot recently or traipsing around with that really dumb Miss America candidate... Nobody knows who the number 2 swimmer on the US Olympic Swim Team is. Nobody cares. If you aren't Michael Phelps, you might as well not even bother showing up.

Notes: Received a text from FormerLesbian today. Not sure how to respond. Going out with TheWriter tonight. Should be fun. She explained to me the other day why Swift deleted me as a friend on facebook. Makes sense. Actually, TheWriter said to me on the phone that if I wanted to go after Swift, she had no problem with it. I didn't know how to respond.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Fan Clubs

Milo has been talking a bunch lately about how a lot of girls have a fan club. Basically, any girl that I want to date is going to have a bunch of guys that are part of her fan club. Guys that either know her or have seen her (via the many social networking sites now available) and would like to date her are part of the fan club. It is like finding something you want to buy on ebay. It almost feels inevitable that some douchebag out there is gonna wait until 2 minutes before the auction to outbid you. Sometimes when I am bidding on something really obscure (like an original copy of the Nintendo game Bubble Bobble), I am so surprised to find someone out there willing to pay more than me for it. To defeat them, I usually have to place a fairly high initial bid. However, placing a high initial bid on a girl (i.e., taking her to a nicer restaurant on a first date) doesn't work. It just scares the girl off. Unless I am bidding on a Russian bride; but I really don't want to marry some girl just looking to come to America. Maybe I should offer the same amount of money that a Russian mail order bride costs to a girl here. Sample ad:

Twenty something attorney seeks good looking, fun LDS girl. Requirements include love, cooking on occasion (willing to hire a cook if necessary), laundry on occasion (cleaning service is provided; however maid doesnot do laundry or dishes), reasonable sexual appetite, and great sense of humor. Must be affectionate, healthy and attractive. No control freaks. Willing to pay $10,000 (negotiable) plus relocation fees. Must be ready to commit for eternity. A diamond engagement ring valued at over $10,000 will also be provided upon completion of pre-marriage screening. Only serious applicants need apply.

Monday, January 18, 2010


Hung out with BFF on Saturday. She thinks this blog has a negative undertone. My buddy Milosevic (hereinafter "Milo") came along. He thinks this blog is hilarious but that I need to stop writing in it. He is worried a girl will find it (wait, hasn't that already happened several times?) and take it the wrong way. Milo is convinced that my new dating strategy is to avoid the Four P's of dating (Planned, Paired off, Payed for, Put out) suggested by Mormon church leaders (of which Milo is not a member) and instead only hang out with girls. Are girls really that uncomfortable on dates? Do girls feel they have to make up their mind by the end of the night whether they want to have a relationship with me? Who knows.

Ariel (yeah, that Ariel) and I texted the other day. She is going on the same cruise as me next week. Belle is engaged. I saw her at church a week ago with a ring on. Good for her. I hung out with FarFarAway last night. I think she really likes me. I think she is cool but I do not want to date her, nor do I want to make out with her. My friends don't understand (probably cause they are mostly douchebags) but I am not into making out with a girl I am not into. Does this make me the anti-douche?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

That's a big twinkie

I saw Cooch last night at FHE. She was still gorgeous. I am sorry about her nickname but once a nickname is chosen for someone, it's kinda hard to change it. It's already stuck and I have become attached to it. As littlebrother and I were leaving, we ended up in a conversation with a couple of girls. One was a girl I have seen at church for over a year but never talked to. Let's call her Twinkie. The thing about twinkie is that she ended up being very easy to talk to. She wasn't as shy as my initial impression of her would be. Somehow, the conversation turned to twinkies. Twinkie claimed she could eat 30 twinkies in one hour. I scoffed. One thing about me is that I love to pay money to people to do weird things. Nothing outrageous but a bet of whether Twinkie could finish 30 twinkies in under an hour sounded good enough for me. Especially since I could use it to get a date with her. Yeah, it was kind of an immature trickery thing. But I think it made it more fun. So after some arguing, we settled on the bet: Twinkie and I would meet next week where she would attempt to eat 30 twinkies in under 40 minutes without throwing up. If she accomplishes this feat, I will take her to a nice restaurant. If she fails, she will take me to out to dinner. To me, it's a win-win. I would probably take her out to dinner either way. Now I get to watch her try and eat 30 twinkies.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Hey Jealousy

On Friday night, FarFarAway texted me a number of times wanting to hang out. It was at this precise moment that I realized I have zero interest in her. My roommates all think she is very pretty. I think she is very pretty. But she isn't for me. Nevertheless, I met up with FarFarAway, TheCaptain, Tweak, Sugarloaf, an old guy friend Barrel, and a new friend; I am going to nickname her HappyEnding. HappyEnding is one of FarFarAway's good friends. As is typical, there were five guys in that hottub and three girls. Honestly though, it was a lot of fun. It was mostly just us guys talking and having a blast.

On Saturday, GetErDone, LittleBrother, and my cousin RunsWithScissors met up with BFF and some of her friends at a piano bar. BFF brought along one cute friend Bynes. I met Bynes several years ago at a party with BFF. She has definitely gotten prettier.

On Sunday, in Sunday School, I sat in front of a couple of cute girls. They weren't in my ward; they were ward hopping. I talked to them a little but the one I thought was cutest spent most of the time texting on her phone. She had blue eyelashes. Sometimes when a girl has blue eyelashes, it just looks funny. Other times, it makes a girl look so pretty. I couldn't stop staring at her eyes.

That night at Ward Prayer, I met this girl Cooch. I don't think I have ever seen Cooch before but she is my type. I mean, I don't really have a type but a tall slender blonde girl with her complexion comes pretty darn close. I talked to Cooch for just a little bit. She graduated from high school in 09. I talked about her with my roommate Steve-O last night. I was complaining about how I must be screwed up cause I always fall for really young girls. Steve-O was of the opinion that it was just years of evolution shaping what I found attractive. Healthy looking young women are more likely to reproduce healthy offspring, at least from a genetic standpoint. It made me feel a little less frustrated. I am just doing what my DNA tells me to do. Anyway, I became very jealous of whatever guy gets to date her. There are guys out there who date girls like that all the time. Why can't I be one of those guys? Who are they jealous of? While blog surfing, I came upon a blog of a gorgeous blonde girl who dreams of being a writer. I am very jealous of whatever guy gets to go on a date with her. She doesn't seem mean in her posts. I wonder if she is mean?

Friday, January 8, 2010

Online Dating

So I am considering online dating again. When my dating pool dries up, I really don't have lots of options for meeting new girls. The ward is worthless. It is full of cliques. Bars are a waste of time. None of my friends are really interested in setting me up with girls anymore. I have pretty much exhausted all of my resources except for online dating. I tried online dating earlier last year but was not particularly pleased with the experience. I met three girls in the three months I was online. TheWriter and I are kinda moving towards a friendship right now, FormerLesbian is basically out because I just am not interested in her, and the other girl was just a mistake (she never received a nickname).

So the question is, should I give online dating another try? There were plenty of attractive girls using the online dating last time. Unfortunately, most of them were not paying customers so if I did send them a message, they could not read it unless they subscribed. At least if I knew who could read my messages, maybe I could make a better decision about who to message. Plus, there were some very aggressive girls on there. One girl began chatting with me and basically within 5 minutes, she demanded that I ask for her phone number. I wasn't attracted to her, I was roped into chatting with her because you can't see who the chat request is from until AFTER you accept it. I was just trying to be nice. A very nice girl in the Philippines wanted my number the first time we chatted. It just didn't work out. Have any of you tried online dating? What sites work the best? Am I going to meet any Mormon girls on eharmony or What are other ways to meet girls when you are done with school?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Top 10 things that annoy me about dating

Since I haven't had any dates yet this week, and haven't really spent any time searching for prospects, I thought I would do a post on some of the things that really annoy me about dating.

Number 10: Girls putting lip gloss on. Ok, I get that they want to look pretty and they feel like it draws attention to their lips. I also get that maybe some girls feel a little self conscious without something on their lips. I also understand that some guys really like a girl with lip gloss or whatever on her lips. Still, putting it on while our dinner order is coming? Or while I am still eating? Littlebrother had a girl over the other night to make out. As she was getting ready to leave, she immediately put on lip gloss. I don't get it. For what? She was going to get into her car and drive home and get into bed. Nobody was going to see her. I was on a date with a girl that put it on right before a movie in the theater started. It's dark in there, I am not looking at her, nobody is looking at her, and she will probably lick it all off during the two hours of the movie. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Number 9: Girls putting on chapstick multiple times during a date. I understand that your lips are dry. Sometimes my lips get dry too. It's usually a sign that I am not drinking enough water or eating too much salty snacks. One time I was on a date with a girl who applied chapstick over 30 times. If your lips really are that dry, you probably need more than medicated lip balm. You probably should see a doctor. I know we all have annoying little habits. I bite my nails. I understand it's gross and I make sure I don't do it on a date. How about girls trying a little harder here? And the problem isn't just girls. Some guys I know (such as littlelittlebrother) have to put on chapstick with such frequency that it makes me wonder what is wrong with them.

Number 8: People who text while on a date. If it's something serious like your sister might be going into labor then let me know at the beginning of the date. Otherwise, until you know each other well, it just isn't a good idea.

Number 7: Girls who flirt with the waiter. Come on, I'm sitting right here!

Number 6: Talking about other dates while on the date.

Number 5: Criticizing me for the activity planned on the date. You expect me to plan something, I expect you to have fun doing it. Unless we are doing something really weird, you are probably supposed to just smile and do the activity.

Number 4: Texts after the date that say "I had a lot of fun tonight." It doesn't really tell me anything about how you feel. I have a lot of fun at family reunions. I know you probably had fun cause I was there, I saw it. I am not interested in whether you had fun. I know you have already made up your mind about me, I would just like a clue about what that decision was.

Number 3: A lack of compliments. If I look good or chose a nice restaurant, let me know. If you are having fun, say something. Sincere compliments are not used enough.

Number 2: Girls not waiting for the guy to get the door. It's one of the few chances for chivalry left for us as guys. Don't take it away from us. Let us open BOTH doors for you to get into the restaurant, not just the first one into the lobby.

Number 1: Not asking me questions. A good dater is very interested in the person they are on a date with. A typical first date includes lots of dialogue. If an overwhelming portion of the dialogue is about you, it is your fault. Getting to know a person involves asking them questions. If a guy is asking the girl a lot of questions on the date, it's cause he wants to get to know her. If she only provides one or two word answers, the guy is going to struggle and the date is not going to go well. In those cases, it is COMPLETELY the girl's fault. If you have already made up your mind that they aren't attractive enough, the date should probably already be over. Until then, give yourself and your date a chance. Listen to what they have to say and ask questions.

Monday, January 4, 2010

A new year

So New Years Eve has come and gone. Anyone who knows me knows that NYE is basically my least favorite holiday of the whole year. I haven't had a good NYE since I was 16 and had my second kiss with high school girlfriend (HSGF). I haven't had a great NYE ever. So I approached this NYE with realistically low expectations. Sugarloaf, TheCaptain and I headed to a holiday party hosted by Tweak and FarFarAway. Tweak and FarFarAway aren't dating but they probably should be. I met Tweak years ago at University and met FarFarAway through Tweak. In a text inviting me to the party, FarFarAway told me she expected a NYE kiss from me and I jokingly agreed.

The party started out pretty lame. Lots of dudes, very few ladies, and a group of married or engaged couples. There were a couple of really pretty girls that stopped by but they didn't really stay long enough to chat with any of us. Throughout the night FarFarAway was hitting on me. I think FarFarAway is a very pretty girl but I am just not interested in her like that. She has made it obvious that she wants a relationship that will lead to marriage. While I think dating FarFarAway would be fun for a bit, I really don't see her as a potential wife. Plus, FarFarAway was dumped recently by a mutual friend. This rightfully put her into the "don't touch" category.

I talked to a couple of cute girls with zero dating potential (i.e., lived out of state, interested in another guy there, not attractive, engaged) then found Sugarloaf and TheCaptain hitting on this girl Cougarette who teaches dance at an elementary school. She was there with a date but Sugarloaf managed to get her number with a sly trick. I hope he takes her out. Cougarette has the potential to have bunches of really cute friends that she could set me up with.

When the clock struck midnight and the ball dropped, I decided to kiss FarFarAway. She was just standing there looking around and so I walked over and planted one on her. I don't think she was expecting it. I don't think it was a dishonest kiss. It was short and closed mouth. The party was pretty much over so we took off.

On Saturday, GetErDone set me up on a blind date with LittleDebbie. LittleDebbie reminds me so much of a girl that one of my friends married. I didn't like either of them very much. I wasn't really attracted to LittleDebbie and her personality kinda irked me. The night was mostly uneventful. However, while hanging out at LittleDebbie's apartment, her very cute (and very snobby roommate) came home. Harassing the roommate was the highlight of my evening.

Side notes: Saw SouthernBelle at church on Sunday but didn't say hi. She has graduated from hanging out with the super nerdy girls in the ward to hanging out with some of the pretty cool girls. My interest in her has waned. I am very open right now to being set up on blind dates. Please find me a cute girl that isn't too snobby.