Things that work, things that don't work

So Mya and I have been dating for over 5 months now.  It's crazy cause sometimes it doesn't feel that long at all.  It's also crazy because I know so many couples that were already engaged or married after 5 1/2 months.  I stopped writing in this blog for a little while, mostly because I was worried about damaging the relationship.  And while there is always still the possibility, I am hoping that things have settled down enough for me to write about some of my fears and some of the things that have worked/haven't worked for us.

First, I am not a 24/7 relationship kind of person.  I like to have plenty of me-time.  Mya has been accommodating about this but I sometimes wonder if she thinks we ought to be spending more time together.  I mean, we usually spend at least three nights a week together, but never more than four.  My roommate got a new girlfriend a month ago and they haven't spent a day apart yet.  He says that's how marriage is going to be and that when someone is important to you, you want to spend as much time as possible with them.  I see it as a codependent relationship.  I am still trying to figure out if my feelings are closer to the norm or the fringe.  When I am married, I definitely want to have a life outside of my spouse.

Second, religion has been hard.  Mya is very understanding but I really struggled at one point with our different views about religion.  Mya was raised Mormon but she doesn't go to church and doesn't believe it.  Littlebrother and I had a conversation one night where he told me that it was silly if I honestly believed that I could do everything right but not end up in the celestial kingdom because I chose to marry the wrong person.  While I certainly don't turn to littlebrother for spiritual advice, there was some validity to his argument. I have decided that even if Mya never decides to be active in the church, I could still love her and have a happy home.  It's something I still worry about, for sure, but it is not a dealbreaker.

Third, family.  Mya's family can be kinda weird at times.  I feel as if my family has been very quick to accept Mya.  Even though my parents would certainly prefer a Mormon temple wedding, they aren't advocating against my relationship with Mya.  I think they really like her.  Mya's family seems to tolerate me at best.  At her sister's baby shower (my first baby shower ever, it was co-ed...) I felt like the odd man out.  They talk to me a little bit but mostly, they aren't super welcoming.  Mya thinks they are weird too.

Fourth, littleMya.  LittleMya and I have a lot of fun together.  But sometimes she drives me crazy.  She is 4 years old so that's to be expected.  I have plenty of experience with children but not to the extent that I have had with littleMya.  I have seen littleMya at her absolute worst.  On my birthday, she threw a tantrum at breakfast in the restaurant.  She screamed and refused to come out from under the table.  I know it's just her trying to figure out the world and how she fits into it but being around her has changed my feelings about children a little.  I still want children, just not quite as badly.  Kids think the world revolves around them and they are so demanding.  I am surprised that as many people are having kids.  On Saturday, at a corn maze, Mya and I talked about this.  She thought most of the kids were probably accidents.  The parents there seemed completely unable to control their kids.  And halfway through the corn maze, littleMya decided that she was tired of walking (we all were) and that she had to be carried.  It's frustrating sometimes because I want to be like "you can either walk or lay down in the dirt and die in this corn maze!" but I can't.  Because she isn't my kid.  And because that's not really how I feel.  I just want to teach her that most of life is spent walking and not being carried.

Overall though, things seem to be going well.  Mya and I seem to be pretty understanding of each other.  There have been times where I have thought "Hey, I could maybe marry this girl."  And there have been times where I thought the opposite.  It's not perfect but it's life.  And our relationship has been pretty satisfying thus far.

Happenings Lately

Mya and I were talking one night and somehow, the subject of this blog came up.  It was a bit awkward, since I really didn't want to tell Mya much about it.  Nevertheless, Smash had told Mya about this blog before I even met Mya (thanks Smash, jerk!).  Anyway, Mya wasn't too bugged about the blog but she wasn't exactly super enthused about it either.  It's understandable that she would be a little uncomfortable about me broadcasting all of the details about our dates.  But when she realized it was anonymous, I think that made her feel a little better.  Anyway, due to that conversation, I have been more hesitant to blog about every minor detail about our relationship.

Over the past few weeks, Mya has had the opportunity to meet most of my family members.  We were both pretty nervous about her meeting them the first time.  It was at littlesister's house for a birthday party.  We decided that LittleMya would probably have a lot of fun so we brought her along.  Everything seemed to go well.  My family liked Mya, although the comment they made the most about her was that she was very quiet.  I didn't get any weird emails from my mom the day after about how weird it was for me to bring a girl to a family party (like I got a year ago with Wonder).  I didn't get any emails from my dad about how to choose a wife (other than the typical emails that I regularly get from him on the subject - nothing specific about Mya).  I didn't get any comments from littlesister about how I am an idiot for dating Mya.  So I felt pretty good.  And Mya did really well.  Everyone liked her and she didn't seem awkward around my family.

Since then, Mya and I have settled into dating.  About half our dates include LittleMya.  Sometimes I get a bit frustrated because I worry about biting off more than I can chew (e.g., becoming a bit of an instant dad).  Sometimes I get really scared when LittleMya hurts herself and wants nothing to do with me.  For the most part though, things are really good.  When I show up to pick up Mya, LittleMya comes running up yelling my name and she gives me a big hug.  Over the weekend, we went to a drag racing event and LittleMya chose to sit on my lap the entire time rather than on her mom's lap.  Sometimes I wish that Mya and I could spend more time together without LittleMya but I totally understand that they are a package deal.  

Overall, things are going well.  I still like Mya a lot.  I enjoy kissing her and I enjoy talking to her and I enjoy just hanging out with her.  We are going to spend the upcoming holiday together at my parents' house and I am going to LittleMya's birthday party on Friday.  

Cabins

Lolita and I hung out last week. I always have fun with Lolita. And there is a part of me that wouldn't mind dating her again. Besides being very pretty, Lolita is just so chill about life. She has this relaxed attitude that reminds me of a surfer bum or some kind of hippie. But as littlebrother and Lolita got to talking about some of her wilder experiences, I got uncomfortable. Lolita doesn't really believe in Mormonism and I think that is a major stopping point. Not that Lolita is jumping up and down to date me, just that if she were, I am not sure how we would handle the whole religion issue.

On Friday night, I decided to go up to the cabin with littlebrother, GetErDone, Samsonite and a large group of people. It was kinda last minute but when I suggested it to Samsonite, she seemed down. It ended up being a lot of fun. GetErDone brought a bunch of cute girls and I think everybody had fun playing games and just hanging out. Samsonite was pretty quiet most of the night. I don't think she was uncomfortable around all the people, I think Samsonite is just more awkward in social settings like that. I sort of naturally became the entertainer, which I really enjoy. One of the girls GetErDone brought is named Spark. Spark was much more comfortable at the cabin than Samsonite and there was a part of me that wanted to flirt with her. Spark also seemed to show some interest in me. It could have just been me imagining things.

On Monday, after waiting for a week from Flora and not hearing anything, I sent her a text. She responded with a promise to email me back within 24 hours. 24 hours later, Flora called to say she hadn't been able to write the email yet and asked for another 24 hours. It was really fun to talk to Flora on the phone. She seemed much more interested in me than during our previous conversations. I think the email helped. I am very much toying with the idea of traveling out of state to take Flora out on a date. Flora emailed me today and it was fun and interesting. I thought about immediately writing her back but decided to wait a day or two, just to make it more anticipated.

Tosh texted me today and wanted to hang out tonight and watch the basketball game. Our teams are playing each other... Since we are both huge fans, it should be interesting.

2012 - More of the same?

On Thursday, Sugarloaf texted me Flora's number. I guess his roommate wasn't that interested in her so he called her up and asked if he could give her number to me. So I gave Flora a call while I was waiting for Lolita to come over and hang out (Lolita and I are trying to play through Donkey Kong Country on my Super Nintendo). I was hoping Flora was still in town and we could arrange a date. Flora answered and we talked for a couple of minutes. It was a bit awkward. She had already left the state and spent all day driving. And she had arrived at her destination (a friend's parents' house) and was about to get into the shower. So we agreed to talk on the phone the next day.

One of the first questions Flora asked me when we talked the next day was "So, did I say something brilliant that made you want my number or have you just run out of girls in your home state to date?" Kind of funny but also awkward and very direct. I tried explaining it to Flora but I think it just came across as fuzz. Either way, the phone conversation was fun. Yesterday I sent Flora an email that I thought was funny and personal. She hasn't yet responded.

Hanging out with Lolita was a blast. As we were playing Donkey Kong Country, Lolita got a craving for Trix so we hopped in my car and hit up the grocery store. Cold cereal at midnight is such an amazing treat.

For New Years Eve, I went to a club with littlebrother and GetErDone. I have extremely low expectations for New Years Eve, since it is my least favorite holiday. I think my problem with it is that most people are drinking and hooking up. New Years Eve as a holiday does not really make sense for Mormons. GetErDone and littlebrother met a couple of cougars at the club. I kinda tried to mingle but I just felt so out of place there. In the end, it wasn't a bad New Years Eve. It's just that unless I spend the evening with someone and fall in love with them, New Years Eve is really just another night. The only difference is the additional expectations heaped on me to have more fun than any other night.

On Sunday, Samsonite texted me to apologize for being AWOL. A part of me wanted to not respond to her texts and give her some of her own medicine. But another part of me really wants to spend more time with her. That part of me won out. I accepted her apology and told her it was ok. I am not sure if her and I will end up spending any more time together. But if we don't, anything else would be like shooting someone in the back as they walk away. And if we do hang out again, I am not sure how giving her the cold shoulder is going to benefit me. Either way, I still definitely have some feelings for Samsonite and want to see her again.

Swallowing my pride or being swallowed by pride

After a little more thought, I decided maybe I would give Samsonite another chance. So I asked her out again. Her response, via text, was that she needed to be honest and that she wasn't ready to start dating. This was on Monday. I was extremely frustrated so I called up three new girls and scheduled dates for Thursday night, Friday night and potentially Saturday night (one of the girls might be going out of town). What have I got to lose, right?

Yesterday, I received a random text from Jewel. After three months of no contact, other than a random call which I didn't answer a few weeks ago, Jewel wanted to know how I was and if we could go to lunch. I rolled my eyes but agreed. So Jewel and I had lunch today. I didn't expect any substance in our conversation and none was given. We spent most of the lunch arguing about whether to end the war on drugs. And then lunch was over and she dropped me off back at my office. I didn't give her a hug. We didn't talk about why we broke up. We didn't talk about dating. She sent me a text after saying she had fun and that she really hopes we can be friends. Friends? Really?

Last night, Samsonite texted me to suggest we go shopping together. Shopping? Really? Am I just a really good friend to these girls? Are they hoping to keep me around while they get their crap together or are they just latching on to me like barnacles? I guess I can't complain too much, since I agreed to have lunch with Jewel and I agreed to go shopping (for Christmas) with Samsonite this weekend. It has me thinking about littlebrother. He has some of the flakiest friends. It's not just a coincidence, his easy going attitude attracts flaky people. Perhaps it's my easy going attitude that attracts flaky girls. But these girls aren't flaky about showing up to stuff when they say they will; they are flaky about committing to anything. I suppose it's my curse for not dating House.

It's Fair Season

On Thursday, I had lunch with my grandma and littlebrother. Littlebrother had to take off early and as my grandma and I were leaving the restaurant, someone yelled my name. I turned to see Jewel walking towards us. I gave my grandma a hug and sent her on her way and walked over to chat with Jewel. It was pretty short, I made a couple of jokes, tried to make myself appear aloof and then said I had to get back to work. I could see in Jewel's eyes that she was hoping for more. And I was right. Two minutes later, I got a phone call from Jewel asking me if I would like to meet her for lunch on Friday. I politely declined, citing lunch plans with my parents. I could definitely hear bits of regret in Jewel's voice but she admitted nothing.

On Friday night, GetErDone called me up and said he wanted to set me up with this girl Figure for Saturday. I tentatively agreed and then a few minutes later, Figure called me using GetErDone's phone. She asked if I had something to ask her. It was a little weird but I liked her being forward about it. So I asked her out for Saturday. When I picked her up, the first thing Figure told me was about her strange diet. Figure is training to be in a figure competition (sort of like a female bodybuilding competition sans the huge muscles). As is typical, I had tons of questions to ask her about it. Why did she do it? What did it entail? What could she win? Did she have a six pack? (yes she did)

The problem is, it got our date started on completely the wrong foot. I don't know if Figure normally would have asked lots of questions but I think my questions sent her into pageant mode. Pageant mode is when a girl only answers the questions that you ask rather than attempts to have a conversation with you. So as the questions about figure competitions began to run dry, so did our conversation. I wanted to ask about other things but I felt pigeonholed into that one topic. Figure tried to ask me some questions but those conversations never got off the ground. In the end, I learned more about figure competitions than I thought I would ever learn. But very little about Figure as a person. And Figure learned very little about me as a person either (other than my ability to interview pageant girls).

At one point, I was struggling so much that I started trying to figure out what guys Figure was attracted to. She started telling me that she was super picky and she wasn't sure that any of the guys there were her type. I felt like the person asking the questions of Miss South Carolina why the majority of US children cannot find the United States on a map that got more than they bargained for. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some... people out there in our nation don't have maps." And I also learned that fairs are only as fun as the person you are there with.

What's been happening lately

So Jewel finally called me early one morning and said she didn't feel strongly enough about me to keep seeing me. I was bummed but the anxiety finally stopped. She said "I am probably gonna regret this." And I said "if you do, give me a call." And that was it. I went on a second date with Cabinet. It was fun but I can tell that Cabinet has huge walls built up. It's almost impossible to schedule a date with her. When I suggested a third date, she told me she had a night available in like two weeks. How am I ever going to build a relationship with someone if I only see them once every two weeks?

I went on a couple of dates with littleKJo. She is dating another guy though. And KJo knows of this blog, so I have to be careful what I write about littleKJo, since KJo is sure to tell her all about it.

I have been talking with Pulse a lot lately. On the 24th, I decided to text her and see how everything was going. She suggested we meet for dinner. We met up around 9 and ended up talking/hanging out until 2 in the morning. It was a lot of fun. I just didn't want to leave. I found myself so emotionally attracted to the stability that Pulse represents. Not that Pulse isn't lots of fun, she just isn't crazy like Jewel. Since then, Pulse and I have talked quite a bit. I told her all about Jewel and she told me all about the guys that are currently in her life. Basically, the timing is not right for dating Pulse.

Last Tuesday, I got a text from Jewel asking how my whiplash was (I was involved in about 6 major automobile accidents and about 8 minor automobile accidents over the previous weekend). I didn't respond. The next day, I received another text from her saying "I would like to spend time with you and get to know you better, is that something you would be interested in?" I was not too happy about receiving this text. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that Jewel had just gotten bored and liked having someone that liked her. So I followed my knee jerk reaction. I went to my computer and I wrote her an email. It was probably a little bit harsh. I told her how she had mistreated me. I told her I deserved better treatment.

Two days later, I got a text from Jewel saying "Just FYI, that was me admitting I made a mistake." I was seriously confused. I responded "and that was me telling you I still like you." A few hours later, I got another text from Jewel saying that she had just received my email and to have a great summer. I was so confused. Then I received an email from Jewel. She did not like what I had written in my email and felt attacked. She said that she obviously wasn't good enough for me and that she was sorry and that she hoped I had a good life. I responded with another email telling her that I still really liked her and that the email had been a little too harsh. I told her that I was willing to swallow my pride and admit that I had made some mistakes. Was she willing to swallow her pride and admit that she had made some mistakes too? On Saturday morning, I received a text from Jewel saying thanks for the second email and that she had some serious thinking to do. To be honest, it bummed me out quite a bit. What thinking did she have to do? Hadn't she already spent plenty of time thinking?

Today, Jewel called me. We talked for about 30 minutes. As usual, Jewel spoke semi-cryptically. She said that she had admitted she made a mistake and wanted to go out with me one more time to see if we clicked. But then she had received the emails from me. The harsh words that I said made her realize that it was selfish of her to go out with me again and torture me so. I told her that this was not irreparable. And that was it. I said bye and she was gone again. At this point, I seriously doubt that I will ever see Jewel again. I suppose it is for the best.

Last week littlebrother brought a girl over to my house named ZZ. I thought ZZ was pretty cute and littlebrother was all about me asking her out (after he made out with her in my house - which is just awkward). I am toying with the idea of asking her out.

It must have been love, but it's over now

It must have been good, but we lost it somehow. Jewel and I haven't talked in 11 days. After a bit of a freakout, I called her 12 days ago and laid some feelings on the line. I told her that she was mistreating me and that I wasn't at all a priority in her life. She admitted that I wasn't a priority. Sort of. As we talked it became clear what had happened. Jewel really enjoyed hanging out with me and even liked me quite a bit. I started liking her back. And it freaked her out. Don't get me wrong, I am sure plenty of this is my fault. I am not used to liking girls. The last girl I really liked was 2 years ago, and people change a lot in 2 years. So I think I came on too heavy.

So Jewel and I met for lunch and to figure out how to proceed the following day. The lunch was pretty short. We had some casual small talk and then talked about options. In a perfect world, I would be able to just tone it down and continue dating Jewel while she figures out what she wants. There is a good chance that we could continue to date over the next few months and she could fall madly in love with me. We decided on a 1 week break with no talking. For both of us to think about what we really wanted. I guess when the break started, I didn't really think about how we would initiate communication after the week. I kinda figured that since she knows I like her, she would be the one to initiate it. Littlebrother advised me to not call or text her on Monday and I heeded his advice. On Tuesday, I realized I had no idea what I could possibly say to Jewel. Telling her that I have strong feelings for her wouldn't work - I already tried that. Telling her that I am ok with casually dating her is basically going back to where I was a few weeks ago. Whether you like me or not, you should agree that Jewel was not treating me as well as I deserve to be treated.

Now it is Thursday and we still haven't talked. She hasn't called or texted. I told littlebrother last night that she probably doesn't even remember who I am. I am trying to sort of play it off like I am not super bothered by this whole thing. Yesterday, I logged onto facebook chat and saw Jewel online there (she is almost never online) and my heart skipped a beat, literally. I didn't say anything to her. Last night, I prayed long and hard about getting help to handle this situation appropriately. I asked if I should email her or call her or text her or visit her in person or never talk to her again. I am not sure I have received an answer. Maybe God just doesn't care much about my dumb little dating dilemmas.

They say that when you meet the right person, it will just be easy. At first, that's exactly how it felt with Jewel. The conversation never lagged. I looked forward to spending time with her. Basically she made every activity fun and I felt like I did the same for her. Someone once told me that with how much I date, and with how long I have waited to get married, I am sure to find exactly what I want. He married the first girl he dated after his mission. Maybe none of us ever really have it figured out.

2 steps forward, 1,823 steps back

While on vacation, I wrote Jewel an email. Nothing too heavy. When I got back and she still hadn't responded, I was a little bummed. But she texted me and suggested we go on a bike ride on Saturday. We met at the park and then biked to a little hamburger joint where Jewel insisted on paying. I was definitely more quiet on this date than usual. Jewel brought it up a few times, trying to figure out what was going on in my head. I couldn't tell her that I was trying to seriously evaluate whether she cared enough about me to make any effort I put in worthwhile. While on the bike ride, we passed a car dealership and Jewel and I decided to test drive a couple of cars. Well, SUVs. Jewel really wants a new car and I think test driving new cars is a lot of fun. The date was fun but I kept counting myself out through the rest of the evening.

On Sunday, I had asked Jewel to go to family dinner for littlesister's birthday at my parents' house (the estate). While I was in church, my anxiety spiked. I seriously wondered why I was even bothering. The way I saw it, Jewel didn't care the least about me. She would probably feel super awkward around my family. I came fairly close to calling up Jewel and saying I didn't think she should come.

Nevertheless, I decided to give it my all and perhaps take myself out of the game with Jewel if the evening didn't go well. I picked up littlebrother and then Jewel and drove to the estate. Jewel was super talkative on the drive up and i could tell that her and littlebrother got along fairly well. We ate dinner, played with the dogs, jumped on the trampoline and played ping pong. It was fun and super chill. I think Jewel had fun too. I can never tell with her. In a lot of ways, she was much more excited to see and play with our dogs than anything else.

On the drive home, Jewel decided to blast some LDS primary songs on my radio. Jewel pretty much has ADHD when it comes to music and kept changing songs after listening to about 1/3 of a song. I was trying to talk to her and listen to the music and didn't notice that I was going 20 mph over the speed limit until the cop pulled me over. Jewel and littlebrother approached it humorously but I was super embarrassed about it. Luckily, the cop chose to only write me a ticket for not having signed my registration and let me off with a warning for the speeding. I am sure it helped that littlebrother said a few funny comments to the officer that made him laugh. If you ask littlebrother, he was 100% responsible for me not getting the ticket, but that is just how littlebrother is. Jewel laughed pretty hard about it and I had to smile. I dropped her off at her apartment and there was almost no linger. I was frustrated. Jewel seems to be so spunky and feisty about everything except me. When she told me that she feels like she talks a lot more than I do, I really wanted to tell her that she had bruised my self esteem a bit and that if she worked on building it back up, I would get a lot more comfortable with her. As it is, I am always a bit on edge around her.

As I drove off, I explained to littlebrother my dilemma. As I was whining about my situation, my phone rang. It was Jewel! It was only maybe 5 minutes after I had dropped her off. She said that she had a lot of fun with me that day and that we should definitely get together soon. It definitely brightened my mood. I am just realizing that I need more little affirmations like that.

Probably one of the biggest problems is that since I have started dating Jewel, I haven't had any interest in dating any other girls. I am tempted to start asking a number of different girls out to distract me from Jewel a little. Good idea or bad?

Wonderjewel

Last week, I went on what will probably be my last date with Wonder. I haven't made up my mind completely yet but it didn't feel right. It hasn't helped that my mom is so against me dating Wonder (because she feels so strongly about House) or that Milo is so against me dating Wonder (because he thinks I should get someone better looking and with a personality). We went to dinner at a little Italian place, very hole-in-the-wall-ish. But the conversation lagged several times. I have just run out of things to say to Wonder. It didn't help that I picked her up straight after work and was thus already tired. Still, with Wonder I feel as if I have to carry all conversations. Which works fine when I am hyper (which is usually the case) but not so well when I am tired. I guess part of the problem was not communicating my intent with Wonder. See, I wanted to go have dinner with her, drop her off, go home and watch an episode of Lost and get to bed early. Wonder wanted to go on a full date, which includes hand holding, dinner, some activity, cuddling somewhere, making out, lots of talking, etc. We just weren't on the same page. So when I was like "Ok, I need to go now" at 10, Wonder was offended. Do you think it means I don't like her that much if I am more excited about getting home from work, changing out of my work clothes, making a milkshake and watching tv on my comfy couches than making out with her? I do. Wonder said that every time she sees me, she isn't sure if she is going to see me again. Thing is, Wonder doesn't need me. We are so different. I haven't called her since (5 days) and I am wondering whether I will... Last week, I had a fourth date with Jewel. I met Jewel on the plane ride back from visiting MrShit (I know, weird, what is it with me and meeting girls on planes? I guess it's cause they have a couple of hours and nowhere to go to get away from me). Jewel kinda got scared while on the flight so I talked to her to keep her distracted. I also helped her get her baggage down after the flight. We walked together to the baggage carousel and then Jewel said goodbye and walked away. It was rather strange. Two minutes later, she came back to "apologize" for trash talking some of the sports teams that I care deeply about. I told her we should be friends on facebook and that maybe we could get together sometime. We met for lunch three times and at the end of the third time, Jewel asked me to go on a date with her. The date was a lot of fun. Jewel is kind of the polar opposite of Wonder. Wonder is shy and not at all quirky. Jewel is very quirky and fun but not the least bit apologetic about her quirkiness. She grew up Jewish and then converted to the Mormon church; so she takes being a Mormon very seriously. For instance, she said a prayer over her food when we met for lunch. She is just very much a molly mormon. Much to the chagrin of my mother, I am more attracted to girls with a little bit of an edge. I am not sure yet if I would kiss Jewel but we are going on our fifth date tonight. On Sunday, I drove littlebrother to the airport. After dropping him off, I saw House getting out of a car and going into the airport. I was quite surprised, but I pulled out my phone and called her. She didn't answer but her voicemail said she was going to be out of town for over a week. I left a message.

The Long and Short of it

So House and I ended things last week. Well, I should say that House ended things and I let her go. It made me a lot more sad than I let on to anyone. She did it via an email and her reasons made sense. She just couldn't handle waiting any longer to figure out what it is that I want. I think part of the issue is that since House starred in that commercial, she has been inundated with options. Everyone wants to know what her dating situation is like and they want to set her up. She told me that she felt like she was wasting opportunities by not going out on those dates since she had no idea where her and I stand. I am not the least bit mad at her for it. I totally understand why she did what she needs to do. But it's hard to explain to anyone else. Littlebrother seemed to be the only person that I talked to that really had any understanding. My mom actually came over and punched me in the shoulder. She was kinda mad.

I hung out with TAB twice last week. She drove me crazy both times. I don't think I can do much with her anymore. Besides being a bit controlling, she can also be mean. She isn't very sensitive to other's feelings and none of my roommates like her. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Conversations with future strippers

House came over for Band of Brothers last Wednesday night. Nothing eventful. I enjoy all of the time I spend with her. On Thursday, Pot and I went to dinner. It was fun. Pot is older than me by a few years and is divorced. We went for Indian food and then dipped ice cream cones. It was a short date cause Pot is super busy right now but it was fun. The conversation went well and Pot seems like a super chill girl. I am excited to take her out again. Probably sometime next week, since she is out of town for most of this week.

On Saturday night, Milo and I met up with a couple of other guys for sushi before heading to a bar. I always feel a little awkward at bars cause I don't drink but it seemed like fun. We ended up at the same bar that I met Jasmine at a year ago. I ended up in a strange conversation with a girl that I will call StripperGirl (or SG for short) about whether stripping is degrading to women. SG wants to be a stripper and plans to make a ton of money and then retire and live the great life when she is my age. I just wasn't so convinced that it was such a great idea. But it made for a great conversation. SG definitely enjoyed talking to me and as the night went on, SG informed me that she was probably going to sleep with me that night. I hated to burst her bubble but it needed to be done. I hate using the excuse of "I am Mormon" cause it implies that I don't really think for myself and that the only reason I wasn't going to sleep with SG was because of religion. So I explained to SG that I wanted to wait for marriage and such. It was an interesting conversation, one that many mormon girls can probably relate to but not one that many guys have experienced. I was trying to explain my values to a drunk girl intent on sleeping with me.

Eventually, SG got offended that I wouldn't sleep with her. She said I was a tease. There really isn't a good response to that. I went to the bar because I wanted to have an interesting discussion with someone but to the average person, I guess going to bar is all about hooking up. Due to some weird circumstances, I ended up giving SG and her friends a ride home. I guess I should take the whole thing as a compliment.

On Sunday, I texted back and forth with McSwanson. I met McSwanson with littlebrother and Sugarloaf at a party celebrating the 4th of July. McSwanson is divorced with a kid but very spunky and friendly. I think she might have given her number out to four or five guys that night (including littlebrother) but she has potential. I might try and take her out this week. But McSwanson seems a little too playful to take seriously. Like that maybe she isn't taking dating seriously at all right now.

The Getaway

Gamer peppered me throughout the weekend with texts. I really didn't want to hang out with her so I made it seem like I was super busy with work and just too tired to hang out. Instead, I went to a Mormon Aristocracy party with Sugarloaf, TheCaptain and littlebrother. I have been to this exact same party approximately 47 times in my life. It may be at a different setting and there may be a slightly different group of people there but essentially it is always the same party. I guess it is better than nothing but I always find myself leaving these parties saying to myself "I am never going to another one of those parties again." It's not that there aren't cute girls there. Aussie was there (although I doubt she recognized me). It's just that most of the people don't seem to go to these things to meet people. They go to hang out with people they already know. Halfway through the party, someone cranked up the volume on some obnoxious music just to ensure that anyone attempting to have a conversation would be discouraged. For the upcoming generation, dancing and physical interaction always seem to have a higher priority and come before real social interaction.

On Sunday, while avoiding texts from Gamer, I called up House and suggested we go on a walk. I drove over to her place and we just walked for awhile. It was great. The conversation with House is always lively and interesting. Throughout the night, my mind kept running into the dead end of "why can't I date this girl?"

On Monday, I even sat down with one of the partners at my law firm to discuss it. His advice was actually quite astonishing to me. He said that if he were single, physical attraction would not even be close to the top priority when looking for a wife. He said that no matter what, all of that will mean basically nothing in five years. To be honest, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that. If I were marrying for personality, House would be great. And House isn't an ugly girl. As I have thought about it over the past few days, I have concluded that I have an ego. On my mission, an elder that was fairly popular sent out engagement photos. My friends and I were shocked when we saw the announcement. This guy was marrying a girl that seemed obviously less attractive than him and was slightly overweight. To be honest, we all threw in a few jabs about them. Maybe I do have a bit more of an ego than I would like to admit.

When I dated Mindy many many years ago, it felt so great to go out in public with her. I was a superstar. Is it wrong for me to want that again? Should I just take my dad's advice "Tripp, you are never going to find a better girl for you than House."

Last night, I went to dinner with Gamer. I kinda felt obligated to. Gamer seemed even more clingy. I walked her back to her car and I know that a) she really wanted me to kiss her and b) she really wanted me to invite her back to my place (we met near where I work). I just wasn't having it. I felt bad about it too. I have always been terrified about dumping a girl (even when we aren't really dating). But I gotta do something about Gamer. She wants things to progress and I am really not feeling it.

Awkward dates with girls from Estonia

On Friday, I had my date with Katarina. I was worried cause before the play, there was a 2 hour planned. It ended up being pretty fun (the dinner). All these swanky people and an open bar. Of course, I don't drink, but I did have a coke from the bar. I was fun and funny. With it and witty. After the dinner, we walked over to the play. It was not one of my favorite plays. I was kinda tired and kept yawning. Katarina was about as awkward as you could expect for someone from a completely different culture on a date. I think she is a good person but I am never going to be interested in her. I kinda feel bad about it.

On Saturday, I had a date with this girl Simpson. I went out on a few dates with Simpson over a year ago. I actually met Simpson at the same party as Ariel. Ariel had a boyfriend and Simpson went out on a few dates with TheCaptain. Somehow, Simpson and I ended up going on a few dates. But it wasn't meant to be. I liked Ariel at the time and one night, Simpson and I were making out. She mentioned something about how Ariel had broken up with her boyfriend that day. Somehow I decided that I wanted to date Ariel more than I wanted to date Simpson. I can't really remember any other reason for me to stop dating Simpson.

Last week, Simpson just randomly said something to me on the facebook and we set up the date. I was a little late cause I was at a soccer game for littlelittlebrother. My friend Punk invited me to go see a jazz band she manages at a local club. Simpson and I had a lot of fun just talking and listening to the band. We went back to Simpson's place and watched The Lovely Bones. It wasn't very good. We cuddled a bit. To be honest, I couldn't remember why I stopped dating Simpson last year. She was fun.

On Sunday, I received a text from Spinster. She said she wasn't interested in me. It kinda pissed me off. I guess I can't be too upset because I certainly didn't feel any interest in Katarina. Anyway, so there won't be any more dates with Spinster. Tonight I was chatting with Gamer on the facebook. Even though she is awkward and kinda nerdy, I find myself wanting to spend more time with her.

Omens

I have been reading this book about omens called The Alchemist. It has gotten me to thinking about some of the omens in my own life. Or what I perceive as omens. A couple of days I got a really bad feeling about Spinster. Nothing had really happened. But I was suddenly nervous to call her or text her. I called and left a message and she never responded. Yesterday, I sent a text and she responded back that she had gotten the voicemail but was at her sister's and then it was late. She said she was sorry. That was it. I have probably started 10 times to write a text back to her but nothing has come. I guess it's cause I am delaying the inevitable. I already know in my heart that Spinster is done with me. I talked to littlebrother about this once and he was of the opinion that this is bullcrap. That I am getting nervous because of something in my own head. He believes there is no such thing as omens.

As I look back at my dating life, I can't think of a single bad omen that I have felt that didn't turn out to be true. You could argue that they are self fulfilling prophecies but I disagree. I got a bad feeling about a girl and a day or two later, she would call me and tell me she just wasn't interested. How is that a self fulfilling prophecy?

I have had a strange omen about Pulse lately. Today she got on facebook and told me that she has been talking to her ex and might start seeing him again. She felt compelled to tell me. I kinda already knew. I expected it to be a little more harsh than that (because Pulse said she still wants to date me) but the omen was correct. You can disagree with me about whether omens are real or not but I think you need to have read the book before you formulate your arguments. Should I put more weight on omens? In other words, should I start following my gut more?

Ummm like, so like Ohmygosh!

The other night, BFD and I went on a date. She came over to my house and we hopped into my car and headed to a local sporting event. I can not believe how much BFD annoyed me on this date. It was like every 10 seconds, an alarm went off in her head to say something really ignorant and pointless. I wish I had written these things down because I have forgotten most of them. If you would have been there, you would have rolled your eyes so many times. A couple of times, I looked around to see if maybe anyone else had heard what she said and was laughing at us. A couple of times I wanted to look at her and say "wait a minute, are you serious? Did you really just say that?" She is going on a cruise this week but she couldnt name any of the places they were going. She was like "umm, I think it's like the nederlands." During the date she asked what else our plans were cause she wanted to go to the gym that night to get her body "bikini ready" for her cruise but thought maybe we could go hottubbing afterwards. I was thinking to myself that there was no way I wanted to spend even more time with this girl after the sporting event. She pointed out that the bra she was wearing made her breasts appear two cup sizes larger than they really were. She wasn't going to bring that bra on the cruise cause she didn't want people to see her in her swimsuit and then get confused when she wore normal clothes and was totally busting out.

We started talking about weight a little (I am sure she brought it up so don't judge me). She told me how she isn't ever going to be overweight cause it isn't in her genes. I asked a little about her parents. Turns out her dad is in decent shape and her mom is obese. She pointed out a very large woman and said that her mom had that body type. Umm, what part of "genes" do you not understand? Every time that BFD says something stupid, she kinda does this obnoxious laugh too. Like she thinks she is just so funny. The date couldn't end fast enough.

Notes: I haven't really talked to Spinster much this week. I kinda felt a little awkward at the end of our last date and when littlebrother texted me on Monday to say he was at the same party as her, I sorta got my hopes down a little. I am thinking maybe I will call her on Sunday. I sent Pulse a couple texts this week but I didn't really feel like planning anything.

Kissing or Memories with ManHands

I get a lot of pressure from a lot of different sources about kissing. My friends are always asking "so did you kiss her?" or "did you get some?" after I go on a date. Some of my coworkers want details. When explaining dates to people, one of the main topics is whether I kissed her or not and why. I think a lot of guys like to pretend that they are doing a lot more kissing with a lot more girls than they really are. For instance, most of my friends have not kissed that many girls. Littlebrother has probably kissed more girls than any of my other friends. Most people that I meet have kissed less than 10 people in their life.

Nevertheless, I feel pressure to kiss girls. I know that I kiss too many girls. Crap, I kiss girls that I don't like. I kiss girls that I kind of like. Rarely do I kiss girls that I like. A few years ago (more or less), my sister set me up with this girl Welder. Welder was my sister's college roommate. We went on a date and seemed to click. We ended up on a blanket in the park with me playing guitar for her. I decided to kiss her. Now, here's the weird part. After I kissed her, we got kicked out of the park cause it was after hours. We were walking back to my car and started holding hands. Welder had man hands! They weren't huge or anything. They were probably about the same size as my hands but it totally threw me off. How could I be kissing some girl when holding her hand freaked me out?

Welder and I ended up hooking up a couple more times after that but I never got over the hands thing. If I had held her hand prior to kissing her, I probably wouldn't have kissed her. So I am sure you are asking the same question that I am asking. Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? I think I am just hoping that I will feel more of a connection with a girl if I kiss her. I watch too many movies.

Big Freaking Deal

On Thursday, I had my first date with BFD. It was really fun. BFD is kinda goofy. There were a couple times during the date where I really wondered if she was just messing with me by trying to be weird. Littlebrother and RunsWithScissors both think that me dating a goofy girl just makes more sense. I wonder if I should take that as an insult...

After dinner, BFD and I went to my house and played some Super Nintendo. Then we kinda cuddled on the couch and watched an episode of Big Love. At one point, we held hands but it was super awkward cause BFD initiated it and I wasn't sure if we were really holding hands or just trying to be funny. On the date, BFD said something about kissing on first dates. The way she said it implied that she wanted me to kiss her that night. I think the word to describe BFD is quirky. On the drive after dinner, she pulled out a little flosser thing and flossed her teeth. She initiated a "thumb war" after awkwardly holding my hand for a minute. I think I could have kissed her at the end of the date but I wasn't ready for that yet. Plus, she had put on lip junk earlier on in the date and I wasn't sure if it had been sufficiently removed at that point. Still, it was a good date.

On friday, BFF, our good friend TheCWord and I went to dinner. It was fun. We played rockband after. I used to have a crush on TheCWord like 4 years ago.

On saturday, I picked up pizza and a movie with Pulse. It was almost impossible for Pulse and I to select a movie that we both wanted to watch. As I have said before, Pulse and I basically come from completely different worlds. Still, it was fun to hang out with her.

On sunday, I went to a new ward. I refer to this ward as the singles graveyard. Thing is, the ward I have been going to has tons of attractive girls but I hardly seem to meet any people there. Part of the problem is the size; the ward had several hundred people. Another problem is that a lot of the kids live at home so they aren't really driven to meet people at church. They live around all their friends from high school. In fact, a lot of their old friends from high school go to the same ward. I am so tired of it. I feel like I have to run twice as fast as everyone else to just compete. I met a couple of cool girls in the singles graveyard on my first day. I really shouldn't base my decision for what ward to attend on the number of attractive single girls in the ward. So this new ward might be really good for me.

This week, I am going to see Alice in Wonderland with BFD tomorrow night. I have tickets to a comedy show this weekend. I will see how my date with BFD goes tomorrow night before choosing who to ask.

The first time I just knew (part 3)

I was devastated. How could I have let the most important thing in my life slip right through my fingers? I couldn't focus on anything. I seriously was crying every night. I missed Lilo so much and I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to be with me. Nevertheless, life moved on. Two weeks later, I took the LSAT. I remember the day distinctly. I kicked some serious trash on that test and then went home, crawled into my bed, and cried myself to sleep. I didn't want to go to law school. I didn't want to go to normal school. I just wanted Lilo back.

On Christmas day, Lilo called me. To be honest, Christmas was the first day I had really felt ok since our breakup. It was almost as if Lilo could sense that I was finally starting to heal and she found this unacceptable. A few days later, she called me late one evening after she had been on a date and asked if she could come over. I accepted. She talked about how the date was not fun and how the entire time she had wished that she was there with me instead of him. We ended up making out that night. A few days later, she asked me to stop by her apartment and visit her. We made out again. Then, about a day or two later, she told me that the make outs had meant nothing to her - she was just proving to herself that she was over me. It was so cruel. It was like she had somehow figured out a way to break my heart again.

Somehow, Lilo continued to keep her claws in my life over the next few months. We hung out occasionally or talked on the phone. We didn't hook up any more but she was always reminding me that she was there and that I had to deal with life without her. That summer, I started dating Princess. Princess was this accomplished and classy girl. My friends said she was a babe. Littlebrother said she was better looking than what you would expect for me. One night (and I am not proud of this) soon after Princess and I went on our first date, Lilo came over and we ended up making out. While we were making out, Lilo looked up at me, smiled, and said "I love you."

I felt guilty. I had been kissing Princess. I liked Princess quite a bit. I told Lilo that I was dating Princess. I know it probably hurt Lilo's feelings but what was I supposed to do? I never told Princess about it. I never felt the same connection with Princess that I felt with Lilo. However, dating Princess made so much more sense. She was much more intelligent than Lilo. I didn't feel the instant connection with Princess; it developed slowly over time.

About six weeks after Princess and I started dating, I was still unsure of whether I wanted to enter a serious relationship with her. I had my doubts. One night, we were hanging out and Princess informed me that her ex was coming into town the upcoming weekend and that she would be going on a date with him. I was surprised and unprepared. She told me that we hadn't defined our relationship and therefore, it was perfectly ok for her to go out with this guy. I asked her if she planned to kiss him and she said yes. I was devastated.

I was driving a truck interstate at the time and was going to be out of town for about a week. I spent every second of that trip thinking about Princess and this guy being together. Princess and I planned a date for that Saturday night. I called her and received no answer. The time for our date came and went with no response. I stressed out major. I decided to write her a letter explaining to her how much she meant to me. I dropped it off at her house with her little sister.

The next night, I still hadn't heard anything from Princess. She called me around 9 and said she was coming over to see me. At this point, I was extremely anxious about what Princess had to say to me. She told me that she loved the letter and that it was perfect. It meant a lot to me. She said she wasn't ready to date me exclusively but wanted to continue to spend time with me. I vowed to not let Princess slip through my fingers the way that Lilo had.

"I could get married tomorrow if I just lowered my standards."

On Friday, I had my much anticipated second date with Charlie. I met up with Sugarloaf and his date at a local Thai restaurant. The food was delicious but the conversation lulled a couple of times with her. I know that I should like Charlie. She is pretty. However, every guy has different tastes and mine is just not that partial to her. She runs marathons. She is touchy feely. She really likes board games. We ended up at Sugarloaf's place playing an Olympic Wii game. Charlie wasn't very good at video games but at least she was willing to try. At the end of the date, I hugged her and said "see you soon."

Honestly, I am really trying to like Charlie. What I mean is that I am giving her more chances than I normally would. I want to like her. It would make life so much easier. Of course there would be difficulties with having an "instant" family but that is not what worries me. What worries me is that I am not gaga for her. I tried to explain this to Littlebrother yesterday at church. Suprisingly, Littlebrother was extremely critical of me. "What the HELL are you talking about?" was his response. I think this was because I used the word "love" instead of "gaga." But, if you have read this blog, you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Some of the girls I have really liked were not girls my friends found attractive at all. I can't explain it, sometimes I am attracted to a girl and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I feel a connection with a girl and sometimes I do not.

Once Littlebrother got mad at me, it just really pissed me off. Why should I have to explain to him whether I like a girl or not? I think I was a little mad at Littlebrother because he had a blind date on Saturday night over and I thought the girl was very pretty (but also very self centered and immature). I know that Littlebrother doesn't have any interest in her other than just a hook-up and that just pisses me off more. He has some really great options that I don't have and he chooses to just piss them away.

On Saturday, I met up with Pulse for a late breakfast. I decided that I am not really attracted to Pulse. But I am still drawn to her. Part of the problem with Pulse is that she has really blond hairs on her face. I know girls probably don't think that guys notice this type of thing, but let me tell you, WE DO! And once we have seen a girl with some facial hair, it's hard to get rid of that image. So even if the facial scruff is never seen again, well, you only get one chance to make a first impression. I think I will hang out with Pulse again but I am just vocalizing that I am not interested in her for a relationship. I am sure you are saying that instead of wasting my time with another friend that is a girl, I should be hanging out with potential relationship girls. But there aren't any.

On a side note, have you read the Mormon Bachelor Pad blog? There was a post today about a 27 year old mormon bachelor that was picking a fight with them. I found it hilarious. For as much crap as Calvin and Jake get, they sure seem to have a lot of followers and a lot of people wanting to comment on their posts. I was a bit annoyed with all the girls who commented saying "this guy is 27 and mormon and single so he obviously is a loser." It reminded me of a comment my ex girlfriend from law school once said. "I could get married tomorrow if I just lowered my standards a little." I guess the same could be said for all of us. What a wench she was.