Dissatisfied

Last night House came over and we watched Band of Brothers. It was fun. We had a great talk about a bunch of different subjects (skydiving, weeding, video games, dogs painted to look like tigers, WWII). The conversation is always great with House. We just click. Ten seconds ago, I sent a text to Gamer telling her that I just don't feel right about dating her. Before you judge me too harshly, let me tell you that I seriously considered just not having any more communication with her. She hasnt texted me since Saturday and I haven't texted her. I already feel bad but there is nothing that can be done about it now. Right this minute, I don't like myself very much at all.

Older girls versus younger girls

On Friday night, Cowboy and I did some volunteer stuff for the American Cancer Society. Just in case anyone was wondering, I am against it (cancer, that is). There were about 5 guys and 7 girls there. It actually was extremely conducive to meeting people. I had a good conversation with a girl that had gone to two years of law school and then dropped out and another conversation with a girl that had "Faith" tattooed on her wrist but was embarrassed about it. These girls were a bit older (probably their early to mid 30s) but they were super chill. I think all of them were Mormon but they weren't crazy Mormon. I think being Mormon is kinda like being a parent. Your first kid is way overprotected. You have tons of rules set up for them and if they don't follow the rules to a T, then they get punished. At least this was how my parents raised us. However, over time, you seem to chill out a little. My parents stopped freaking out if one of their kids was a few minutes late past curfew. And the curfew was moved from midnight to 1 or even 2. Of course, there are downsides to this. Littlelittlebrother speaks to/about my parents in ways that would have never been acceptable when I was his age. I think this is more because of his personality than because of my parents' more relaxed parenting style. Anyway, so people who have been Mormon a while can sometimes get that it isn't easy and they don't come off quite as judgmental early on. Thats how I felt with these girls. It was really fun.

On Saturday, BFF and I went to a theme park with BFF's cousin and her cousin's husband. There were tons of early teenagers walking around in love. How come it is so much easier for them to find love at that age than it is for me at this age? Most of the guys just look like total freaks. They have piercings in their faces. They are wearing girl's pants. And yet they have a fairly attractive girlfriend. Do the girls just have lower standards at that age?

The Getaway

Gamer peppered me throughout the weekend with texts. I really didn't want to hang out with her so I made it seem like I was super busy with work and just too tired to hang out. Instead, I went to a Mormon Aristocracy party with Sugarloaf, TheCaptain and littlebrother. I have been to this exact same party approximately 47 times in my life. It may be at a different setting and there may be a slightly different group of people there but essentially it is always the same party. I guess it is better than nothing but I always find myself leaving these parties saying to myself "I am never going to another one of those parties again." It's not that there aren't cute girls there. Aussie was there (although I doubt she recognized me). It's just that most of the people don't seem to go to these things to meet people. They go to hang out with people they already know. Halfway through the party, someone cranked up the volume on some obnoxious music just to ensure that anyone attempting to have a conversation would be discouraged. For the upcoming generation, dancing and physical interaction always seem to have a higher priority and come before real social interaction.

On Sunday, while avoiding texts from Gamer, I called up House and suggested we go on a walk. I drove over to her place and we just walked for awhile. It was great. The conversation with House is always lively and interesting. Throughout the night, my mind kept running into the dead end of "why can't I date this girl?"

On Monday, I even sat down with one of the partners at my law firm to discuss it. His advice was actually quite astonishing to me. He said that if he were single, physical attraction would not even be close to the top priority when looking for a wife. He said that no matter what, all of that will mean basically nothing in five years. To be honest, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that. If I were marrying for personality, House would be great. And House isn't an ugly girl. As I have thought about it over the past few days, I have concluded that I have an ego. On my mission, an elder that was fairly popular sent out engagement photos. My friends and I were shocked when we saw the announcement. This guy was marrying a girl that seemed obviously less attractive than him and was slightly overweight. To be honest, we all threw in a few jabs about them. Maybe I do have a bit more of an ego than I would like to admit.

When I dated Mindy many many years ago, it felt so great to go out in public with her. I was a superstar. Is it wrong for me to want that again? Should I just take my dad's advice "Tripp, you are never going to find a better girl for you than House."

Last night, I went to dinner with Gamer. I kinda felt obligated to. Gamer seemed even more clingy. I walked her back to her car and I know that a) she really wanted me to kiss her and b) she really wanted me to invite her back to my place (we met near where I work). I just wasn't having it. I felt bad about it too. I have always been terrified about dumping a girl (even when we aren't really dating). But I gotta do something about Gamer. She wants things to progress and I am really not feeling it.

Clingy

Work has been particularly busy this week and so dating has taken a hit. On Wednesday, I sent a text to Simpson suggesting we go to a soccer game together. She responded that she already had plans for that evening. I know it's weird but it really bugged me. Maybe it's cause she didn't say something like "Let's reschedule." I think it is has been about 4 weeks since I last saw Simpson so I guess that whole thing is just kinda dying out. The same thing happened with her a year ago. It wasn't that I didn't like her, she just kinda became less and less available and I got tired of dealing with it.

That night, FarFarAway called and wanted to go to dinner. It's hard to explain why I don't feel a ton of interest in FarFarAway. She is definitely cuter than most of the girls I date. And she has told me on more than one occasion that her and I ought to be married. On Wednesday, she came over and I was weeding around my house. She knew tons about the plants around the house and told me that if we got married, she would take care of all the weeding around the house. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I actually really enjoy weeding. After dinner, FarFarAway took off. She was heading out of town the next day. I will admit that I wouldn't mind making out with FarFarAway. She looked awful pretty in her summer dress. But it's pretty obvious to me that I am not driven to date her.

Last night, I hung out with Milo for a bit at his new business. His little sister LittleMilo was there. I met her once a year or two ago but didn't get a good look at her. She is gorgeous. Bosnian girls have a tendency to be much prettier than American girls. Of course, it's one of my best friend's little sisters and she is muslim (but not practicing) so it is probably out of reach.

Gamer got back into town last night. I think she was bothered with me that I didn't want to meet up and hang out at 11 last night when her flight landed. I gotta be honest, lately Gamer has become very clingy. Here's the situation (and I am able to explain it well because I have been on the other side of it). You like someone and they show some interest. But they are very casual. Things progress a little but that person stays casual. In fact, they might even start pulling away. So how do you naturally respond when you think you are losing something? You fight for it. And the other person gets really turned off by this.

I am not ready to start spending every night with Gamer and talking all the time on the phone. I don't want her to know the intimate details of my life and I don't want to know the intimate details of hers. But as I kinda pull away a little, she sees it as requiring her to pull me back. Which just doesn't really work. Gamer texted me today and really wanted to hang out tonight. I probably have to work tomorrow and I wanted to get my work done early enough to maybe go watch the USA play England in the World Cup Soccer with Milo (and maybe LittleMilo will be there, ha ha ha) so I told Gamer I couldn't be out late tonight. I said something to the effect of "Ok, if we go see a movie, you have to promise to go home right after so I can go to bed. Deal?" Immediately after I sent the text, I got a bad feeling (an omen). A few minutes later, Gamer texted back with "Are you being serious?" I think I pissed her off. Now I don't even really want to hang out with her at all. See girls, clingy just doesn't work.

Take your memories I don't need em

On Saturday, my roommate RunsWithScissors and I went to Costco looking to spend some money. Our initial plan was to check out their barbecues and maybe look for an edger for the lawn (since RunsWithScissors doubles as my lawnboy). I was also interested in patio furniture. We walked around and my head was definitely in the game. I was looking at items, considering their usefulness and just generally enjoying participating in the commerce that is Costco. I looked up from the solar powered yard lighting pieces and exclaimed to RunsWithScissors "Oh my gosh, there is my ex-girlfriend."

WhiteTrashExGirlfriend (WTEG) and I dated many years ago. We both worked at Walmart at the time. So did her mom. I remember when her mom told me that WTEG was coming to work at the store that I had better stay away from her daughter. Within a few days, we went on our first date and we just clicked. WTEG was not mormon.

The thing that I found particularly intriguing about WTEG is that I didn't feel constantly judged around her. WTEG wasn't judging me for potential eternal companionship. She was living in the now. And the now was that we had a lot of fun together. As the summer drew to a close and WTEG prepared to move back to the city where she attended college, I decided to break up with her. We had talked before about how our relationship could never really go anywhere. I was committed to getting married in the temple and WTEG didn't have the slightest interest in joining the Mormon church. It was a sad day because I really liked WTEG. I saw her a few months later at my brother's funeral and hadn't seen her since until Saturday.

WTEG got married a few years ago and now has a two year old. I said hi to them and told them I was "just a lawyer" which they found funny. Not too many other Walmart coworkers had since become lawyers. I really just wanted to talk to WTEG for a few minutes. I wanted to say how sorry I was for breaking up with her so many years ago. That I had really cared about her and that I just felt the pressure of family members and friends to not date her. I really just wanted to find out how she had been after all these years. It didn't work out that way.

After saying hi to them, one of WTEG good girlfriends from high school also came into Costco and saw WTEG. WTEG turned and started talking to her. I was all but forgotten. I said goodbye to her mom and RunsWithScissors and I turned back to the task at hand. However, in the brief two minute delay, I lost my zeal for shopping. We drove back to the house while I took many a trip down memory lane. Determined to get my mind off WTEG, I weeded around my house for four hours in the sun. I looked her up on facebook and found her but didn't add her as a friend. I missed her. I missed that sense of wonder that I felt when I was with someone that I really liked and that I just felt very comfortable with. Maybe I really just missed liking someone and having them like me too.

We had joy we had fun, we had seasons in the sun

On Friday, I left work early and headed down to stay in a houseboat on the lake. I traveled with Robin, BeefCake and MrsBeefCake. Although they aren't married yet, BeefCake and MrsBeefCake are practically married and it just makes things easier. We met Sugarloaf there with Barrel and a bunch of girls. SpicyTuna was there. I haven't talked about SpicyTuna before. I have met her many times and have always perceived her as a snob. It's cause she is always hanging around tools and snobby girls. I wonder if she even realizes that she is such a tool magnet.

Being out on the lake was mostly great. Exhausting. By the last day, I was so ready to get out of there. Can I just say that I really like BeefCake but MrsBeefCake drives me crazy. She is bratty and self-righteous and snotty. I couldn't have been more annoyed with her on the trip and the drive home was no exception.

So I got a chance to have a couple of deep conversations with SpicyTuna. She is actually really cool. Super athletic and spunky, she is the type of girl that everyone knows. I am sure many of the tools pursue her too. Thing is, she doesn't strike me as the type that would want a tool for a husband. She wants to get married and have kids. She wants to fall in love. I really enjoyed my conversations with SpicyTuna. I even kinda would like to take her on a date. It's hard cause SpicyTuna has been out with Cowboy a number of times and she dated Barrel for awhile.

On Sunday, after I got home, Gamer came over. I had fun hanging out with her. I think I am going to keep hanging out with her. I made plans to go out with Simpson this Thursday.