Monday, October 22, 2012

Things that work, things that don't work

So Mya and I have been dating for over 5 months now.  It's crazy cause sometimes it doesn't feel that long at all.  It's also crazy because I know so many couples that were already engaged or married after 5 1/2 months.  I stopped writing in this blog for a little while, mostly because I was worried about damaging the relationship.  And while there is always still the possibility, I am hoping that things have settled down enough for me to write about some of my fears and some of the things that have worked/haven't worked for us.

First, I am not a 24/7 relationship kind of person.  I like to have plenty of me-time.  Mya has been accommodating about this but I sometimes wonder if she thinks we ought to be spending more time together.  I mean, we usually spend at least three nights a week together, but never more than four.  My roommate got a new girlfriend a month ago and they haven't spent a day apart yet.  He says that's how marriage is going to be and that when someone is important to you, you want to spend as much time as possible with them.  I see it as a codependent relationship.  I am still trying to figure out if my feelings are closer to the norm or the fringe.  When I am married, I definitely want to have a life outside of my spouse.

Second, religion has been hard.  Mya is very understanding but I really struggled at one point with our different views about religion.  Mya was raised Mormon but she doesn't go to church and doesn't believe it.  Littlebrother and I had a conversation one night where he told me that it was silly if I honestly believed that I could do everything right but not end up in the celestial kingdom because I chose to marry the wrong person.  While I certainly don't turn to littlebrother for spiritual advice, there was some validity to his argument. I have decided that even if Mya never decides to be active in the church, I could still love her and have a happy home.  It's something I still worry about, for sure, but it is not a dealbreaker.

Third, family.  Mya's family can be kinda weird at times.  I feel as if my family has been very quick to accept Mya.  Even though my parents would certainly prefer a Mormon temple wedding, they aren't advocating against my relationship with Mya.  I think they really like her.  Mya's family seems to tolerate me at best.  At her sister's baby shower (my first baby shower ever, it was co-ed...) I felt like the odd man out.  They talk to me a little bit but mostly, they aren't super welcoming.  Mya thinks they are weird too.

Fourth, littleMya.  LittleMya and I have a lot of fun together.  But sometimes she drives me crazy.  She is 4 years old so that's to be expected.  I have plenty of experience with children but not to the extent that I have had with littleMya.  I have seen littleMya at her absolute worst.  On my birthday, she threw a tantrum at breakfast in the restaurant.  She screamed and refused to come out from under the table.  I know it's just her trying to figure out the world and how she fits into it but being around her has changed my feelings about children a little.  I still want children, just not quite as badly.  Kids think the world revolves around them and they are so demanding.  I am surprised that as many people are having kids.  On Saturday, at a corn maze, Mya and I talked about this.  She thought most of the kids were probably accidents.  The parents there seemed completely unable to control their kids.  And halfway through the corn maze, littleMya decided that she was tired of walking (we all were) and that she had to be carried.  It's frustrating sometimes because I want to be like "you can either walk or lay down in the dirt and die in this corn maze!" but I can't.  Because she isn't my kid.  And because that's not really how I feel.  I just want to teach her that most of life is spent walking and not being carried.

Overall though, things seem to be going well.  Mya and I seem to be pretty understanding of each other.  There have been times where I have thought "Hey, I could maybe marry this girl."  And there have been times where I thought the opposite.  It's not perfect but it's life.  And our relationship has been pretty satisfying thus far.


  1. First of all, I'm a little offended that you don't turn to me for spiritual advice. I think a lot of people have kids because they're told they should have kids and that their lives should revolve around these kids. I think the same is true for marriage in general. You live in a society where marriage is absolutely expected, and most people don't even think about questioning whether marriage would be right for them, whether they're a 21 year old RM or a 32 year old attorney. Take away the cultural pressure to get married and I predict that both marriages and divorce rates drop dramatically. I'm not saying I never want to get married. The world is changing, and people are realizing that they can enjoy their lives and people around them without focusing entirely on a small family unit.

  2. all i can say is "good luck". its smart you are thinking about these things as much as you are. i hope it works out exactly the way you want it and need it to. :)

  3. Have you prayed about any of this?