Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The first time I just knew (part 3)

I was devastated. How could I have let the most important thing in my life slip right through my fingers? I couldn't focus on anything. I seriously was crying every night. I missed Lilo so much and I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to be with me. Nevertheless, life moved on. Two weeks later, I took the LSAT. I remember the day distinctly. I kicked some serious trash on that test and then went home, crawled into my bed, and cried myself to sleep. I didn't want to go to law school. I didn't want to go to normal school. I just wanted Lilo back.

On Christmas day, Lilo called me. To be honest, Christmas was the first day I had really felt ok since our breakup. It was almost as if Lilo could sense that I was finally starting to heal and she found this unacceptable. A few days later, she called me late one evening after she had been on a date and asked if she could come over. I accepted. She talked about how the date was not fun and how the entire time she had wished that she was there with me instead of him. We ended up making out that night. A few days later, she asked me to stop by her apartment and visit her. We made out again. Then, about a day or two later, she told me that the make outs had meant nothing to her - she was just proving to herself that she was over me. It was so cruel. It was like she had somehow figured out a way to break my heart again.

Somehow, Lilo continued to keep her claws in my life over the next few months. We hung out occasionally or talked on the phone. We didn't hook up any more but she was always reminding me that she was there and that I had to deal with life without her. That summer, I started dating Princess. Princess was this accomplished and classy girl. My friends said she was a babe. Littlebrother said she was better looking than what you would expect for me. One night (and I am not proud of this) soon after Princess and I went on our first date, Lilo came over and we ended up making out. While we were making out, Lilo looked up at me, smiled, and said "I love you."

I felt guilty. I had been kissing Princess. I liked Princess quite a bit. I told Lilo that I was dating Princess. I know it probably hurt Lilo's feelings but what was I supposed to do? I never told Princess about it. I never felt the same connection with Princess that I felt with Lilo. However, dating Princess made so much more sense. She was much more intelligent than Lilo. I didn't feel the instant connection with Princess; it developed slowly over time.

About six weeks after Princess and I started dating, I was still unsure of whether I wanted to enter a serious relationship with her. I had my doubts. One night, we were hanging out and Princess informed me that her ex was coming into town the upcoming weekend and that she would be going on a date with him. I was surprised and unprepared. She told me that we hadn't defined our relationship and therefore, it was perfectly ok for her to go out with this guy. I asked her if she planned to kiss him and she said yes. I was devastated.

I was driving a truck interstate at the time and was going to be out of town for about a week. I spent every second of that trip thinking about Princess and this guy being together. Princess and I planned a date for that Saturday night. I called her and received no answer. The time for our date came and went with no response. I stressed out major. I decided to write her a letter explaining to her how much she meant to me. I dropped it off at her house with her little sister.

The next night, I still hadn't heard anything from Princess. She called me around 9 and said she was coming over to see me. At this point, I was extremely anxious about what Princess had to say to me. She told me that she loved the letter and that it was perfect. It meant a lot to me. She said she wasn't ready to date me exclusively but wanted to continue to spend time with me. I vowed to not let Princess slip through my fingers the way that Lilo had.

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