Wild Horses Can't Be Broken

This morning, as I was driving to work, I saw a cute girl in a car near mine. Then, we went out to lunch at a restaurant with a really cute girl working as the hostess. I have seen her there several times before. Cute and blonde and surely wild. I am so attracted to girls that are wild. These wild girls are like caffeine. I crave Coke all the time. But I know what it does to me. I can never take a few sips. I end up guzzling it. If I order a Coke at a restaurant, I will get two, three or even four refills. And oh how sweet it is. It's cold. It's full of flavor. I start feeling like I am on top of the world. I have been known to dance on a table after drinking Coke. I have also been known to be quite fearless. When I have been with these wilder girls, I have felt the same way. Fearless and on top of the world.

But, inevitably there is a crash. Usually my eyes go first. They start looking very tired. More tired than normal. Even if it's 10 at night, my eyes start looking like it's 4 in the morning and I haven't slept yet. My mind fogs up. Sometimes I crash and fall asleep easily. But most times, I end up at home sitting on the couch watching late night tv until three in the morning. Or sitting on my bed doing absolutely nothing for hours straight. I usually get a major headache. And I pay for it over the next few days. My body is so dehydrated; the inside of my mouth constantly feels sticky and occasionally gets completely dry.

I guess I crave that feeling of being on top of the world. I think all guys are attracted to wilder girls. It's probably due to evolution. Or maybe it's just a sign that I am not with the right girl yet. Either way, I can't help but notice tons of attractive girls all around.

Saxophones and cheesecake

On Tuesday, I invited Wonder to a saxophone recital for the wife of a coworker. Most of the date felt pretty awkward. I like Wonder, I really do. I think she is sweet and caring and just a great person. But I just don't feel that connection with her. On Wednesday, Jewel and I went out. I am so tired of traditional dates that I decided to take Jewel shopping instead. We went shopping for clothes for me. Yeah, it sounds like a pretty egotistical thing to do. But it went really well. We had fun interacting, Jewel had some useful opinions, and it gave us time to bond doing something that normal people do (i.e., people that aren't out on a date). We grabbed dinner after and went over our lists for what we want our future mate to be like. It was pretty casual and I got to know Jewel quite a bit better. We ended up kissing that night. It was good (although I like kissing Wonder better and think Wonder is a better kisser). I have been thinking a lot about the LDS general conference talks about how guys need to just settle down and marry someone. I guess they were pretty much speaking to me. After all, I have a few really good LDS girls that would probably marry me if I wanted. I am not delaying marriage for education or financial reasons. I am delaying because I want to find the right one. Should I really just marry someone that I have some common interests with and hope that love appears? What would you do if you were in my position?

I'm just trying to find... what's on her mind

Wonder texted me last week and asked me to go to a hockey game. After our previous date, I was very hesitant to go out with her again. But I went. And I had a lot of fun. I could tell that Wonder had zero interest in the hockey game but she did her best to have fun anyway. We had a really interesting conversation over dinner after the game about the traits of the person we want to marry. I actually felt like we bonded a little. It helped to see Wonder really trying. On Thursday, Jewel and I met up for dinner and a movie. I always have lots of fun with Jewel. She is just so spunky. Kind of a bit nerdy too but fun. She called me a killjoy when I predicted the end of the movie. We held hands during the movie but there was no linger after the movie when I walked her to her car. I am not sure if she wants me to kiss her or if she just doesn't know how to act in those situations. On Saturday I had a date with Peyton. The situation with Peyton is kinda awkard. We met at a bar 2 1/2 years ago and ended up making out. We hung out one time after that but I really wasn't that interested. Every once in awhile, she will text me and suggest we get together for something. So I finally agreed to something on Saturday. The date was pretty fun. Peyton is really interesting to talk to. But she isn't really my type. We were on the couch and she turns to me and says "Wanna make out?" It was just so casual, it caught me off guard. I suppose dating is like a lot of things in life: two steps forward, one step backwards.

Wonderjewel

Last week, I went on what will probably be my last date with Wonder. I haven't made up my mind completely yet but it didn't feel right. It hasn't helped that my mom is so against me dating Wonder (because she feels so strongly about House) or that Milo is so against me dating Wonder (because he thinks I should get someone better looking and with a personality). We went to dinner at a little Italian place, very hole-in-the-wall-ish. But the conversation lagged several times. I have just run out of things to say to Wonder. It didn't help that I picked her up straight after work and was thus already tired. Still, with Wonder I feel as if I have to carry all conversations. Which works fine when I am hyper (which is usually the case) but not so well when I am tired. I guess part of the problem was not communicating my intent with Wonder. See, I wanted to go have dinner with her, drop her off, go home and watch an episode of Lost and get to bed early. Wonder wanted to go on a full date, which includes hand holding, dinner, some activity, cuddling somewhere, making out, lots of talking, etc. We just weren't on the same page. So when I was like "Ok, I need to go now" at 10, Wonder was offended. Do you think it means I don't like her that much if I am more excited about getting home from work, changing out of my work clothes, making a milkshake and watching tv on my comfy couches than making out with her? I do. Wonder said that every time she sees me, she isn't sure if she is going to see me again. Thing is, Wonder doesn't need me. We are so different. I haven't called her since (5 days) and I am wondering whether I will... Last week, I had a fourth date with Jewel. I met Jewel on the plane ride back from visiting MrShit (I know, weird, what is it with me and meeting girls on planes? I guess it's cause they have a couple of hours and nowhere to go to get away from me). Jewel kinda got scared while on the flight so I talked to her to keep her distracted. I also helped her get her baggage down after the flight. We walked together to the baggage carousel and then Jewel said goodbye and walked away. It was rather strange. Two minutes later, she came back to "apologize" for trash talking some of the sports teams that I care deeply about. I told her we should be friends on facebook and that maybe we could get together sometime. We met for lunch three times and at the end of the third time, Jewel asked me to go on a date with her. The date was a lot of fun. Jewel is kind of the polar opposite of Wonder. Wonder is shy and not at all quirky. Jewel is very quirky and fun but not the least bit apologetic about her quirkiness. She grew up Jewish and then converted to the Mormon church; so she takes being a Mormon very seriously. For instance, she said a prayer over her food when we met for lunch. She is just very much a molly mormon. Much to the chagrin of my mother, I am more attracted to girls with a little bit of an edge. I am not sure yet if I would kiss Jewel but we are going on our fifth date tonight. On Sunday, I drove littlebrother to the airport. After dropping him off, I saw House getting out of a car and going into the airport. I was quite surprised, but I pulled out my phone and called her. She didn't answer but her voicemail said she was going to be out of town for over a week. I left a message.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

On Sunday, I brought Wonder up to my sister's house for dinner. When my sister texted me to ask if I wanted to come to dinner, the first thing I thought was "Oh, I should bring along Wonder." It was a bit of a disaster, but not how you might think.

I haven't written much about Wonder (or any of my recent dating experiences) because of some threats I received. Hopefully that is all behind me because I long to write. But Wonder and I met online. I think we have been out between 8 and 10 times. On our first date, Wonder and I talked frankly and I found out she was a germaphobe and she found out that I use public restrooms. She was disgusted, especially at the fact that I don't put those little paper liners down on the seat.

There are some things that I really like about Wonder. She is very kind. She always smells really good. She is a hard worker and knows the value of money. She has a great relationship with her family, especially her nieces and nephews.

There are also some things that I worry about with Wonder. She is a molly mormon. She has a bit of fat potential (FP). In social situations where Wonder is a bit uncomfortable, she tends to stand back and be quiet and just watch the other people interact.

**Before you are too critical of me for saying that a girl has FP, let me just say that everyone has the potential for different things. For a girl, having FP may simply mean that her mom is overweight. Or that she has big bones. I have AP (alcoholic potential) because my grandpa was an alcoholic. Does it mean I am going to be an alcoholic? No. It just means that if left unchecked, I could be.

The biggest question with Wonder is whether our personalities really mesh or not. Lets face it, I am loud and obnoxious and sometimes vulgar. I am hyper. So when a girl tends to just sit back and take all of that in, it appears that our personalities do not match. Such was the case with Sunday. My mom (bless her heart but she drives me crazy sometimes) felt the need to write me an email after the dinner about how she felt that Wonder and I weren't right for each other and that she still thinks I need to get back with House. It didn't ruin my day but it certainly ruined my hour. Who wants to hear from someone they really care about that they think you are making a mistake? Especially when it is something as personal as dating. My mom saw neither all of the interactions between House and I nor all the interactions between Wonder and I. How can she possibly know why I make the decisions that I make?

In all fairness, Wonder and I are not a match made in heaven. There have been a couple of occasions where I said something that Wonder took as perhaps me trying to be offensive towards her family. I didn't mean it that way but it showed we weren't quite on the same page. And while I think it is great that she is such a devout Mormon, it is a bit of a conflict with my own life. It's not that I don't try and live all the church's teachings. It's just that I trip up from time to time. And someone who has never tripped up is bound to have a harder time understanding it.

The email from my mom got me thinking a lot about Wonder. And about the other girls that I date. I guess I am just spinning my wheels. I made a conscious effort and removed the stale daters that were clogging my dating pool. I try and say a prayer before every date that I go on. But, I definitely worry about what sort of match I really want. Of course it is going to take a special person to put up with the energy that I bring to the table. But also, what sort of energy do I want? The more I think about it, the more I crave having someone that is very outgoing. Not just someone that makes a great audience. It's not to say that Wonder is out (and there is no way I would let my mom have that much power over my dating life). But maybe, like U2 I "still haven't found what I'm looking for." Sometimes I am just so tired of looking though.

A long december

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about the song "Long December" by Counting Crows. Especially the lines "maybe this year will be better than the last" and the lines "it's been so long since I've seen the ocean, I guess I should." As of late, my dating life has been tiring. No, my dating life has been exhausting. I feel as if I have been running at a sprint for such a long time while getting nowhere. I suppose the old adage "if you don't know where you are going, maybe you are already there" applies. Or the one that says "no matter where you go, there you are." Maybe I am running from myself. Maybe I am running from what everyone around me perceives me as.

In any case, I am going to stop running. Someone once told me that dating was all a numbers game (or was it me that told someone else that? I can never be too sure). According to my records, at the age of 27 I had been on a first date with 204 women. That is when I stopped keeping records. But I have easily been out with another 100 girls since then. It all started when my bishop told my older brother as he turned 16 that he should try and go out with 20 different girls before he married one. Who knows how different my life might have been if I had never heard those words. So I kept track. It became a bit of a ritual, I got home from a date and I wrote her name on the list. I dated when I had no interest in dating. I dated when I had no money. Sure I dated girls that I was really interested in. But if there wasn't one or she wasn't available, I dated anyway. Some of my friends were very critical of this list (and of my dating habits) but I wasn't really doing it for them. I had this romantic idea in my head that my wife would be the last name on the list and we would frame it and place it in our house to display what I had gone through to find her. Instead, I ended up burning the list in a little ceremony.

People were critical of the list just as they were critical (and still are) of my dating habits. But I can't take everyone's advice all the time. I guess in hindsight, I should have never taken anyone's advice. If I had those dates back, I would probably have enough money to pay off my car and my student loans. I don't think taking that many girls out on dates was selfish.

I do think that I need a change though. I am going to stop going out on dates with girls I don't like. It means I probably will spend a lot more time playing video games or watching tv and a lot less time going to shows, plays, operas, ballets, concerts, baseball games, basketball games, football games, formal dinners, informal dinners, restaurants, etc. Maybe I will start writing music again (although the only thing that ever inspired me to write music was girls). I hope I can continue to blog about some of my more interesting dating experiences.

For the time being

I had to pull the blog down again tonight. I am still amazed at the trouble I managed to kick up by trying to write a blog about my dating life.