My date on Friday night with SG was about what you might expect. A little awkwardness, conversations about some really strange topics, and watching a couple of really crappy horror movies. SG and I don't really click at all. Thank heavens for that. She is quite the strange girl. It was a fun night, don't get me wrong, but I am not at all interested in her.
On Saturday, House and I went to a concert. It was an outdoor concert and so we just chilled on a blanket on the grass while people around us drank wine. We stopped at 7-11 after the concert and got donuts and chocolate milk. Do you ever think about why men have mistresses? I watched The Other Boleyn Girl on Sunday by myself and the king had a wife that he loved but he kept finding a mistress. I know some of it was because he was searching for a male heir. But, I also wonder if maybe a wife can never really fulfill both roles. Maybe you can't have both an intellectually satisfying connection with the same person that you have a sexual connection. Of course you initially are sexually attracted to the girl you marry. But maybe everything becomes utilitarian once you have kids. She cares for them more than she cares for you. Once a woman is a mother, her role as wife is diminished. I am not trying to place all the blame on women for men cheating but I wonder if maybe men are taking too much of the blame.
I talked with my friend Hobbes last night about his divorce. He told me how crazy I am for wanting to get married. Basically, getting married was the single worst decision he had made in his life. Is it just society pressuring me to find someone and get married or does it begin internally? I don't have an answer. My parents are absolutely disappointed in me for not being married. It's not the first time they have been disappointed in me. Every one of my friends from high school is married. I think that sort of thing is naturally going to have an influence on me. Three of my closest friends from law school (girls) are getting married in the next month.
Beneficial Use Of Casters
5 years ago
sigh.
ReplyDeletehave you told the hobbes story before? did he cheat?
whether it is the man or the woman, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. earn your way out of the marriage as dr phil would say. have the balls(or the boobs)to face the issues and either fix them or exit gracefully.
infidelity is so freakin rampant and i dont know if there is actually more incidents of said cheating or we all just have bigger mouths and more ways to spread the news.
i liked "the other boleyn sister" a very good movie. amazing all the intricate deals and politics involved with those marriages and mistresses.
why are your parents disappointed? is it the whole mormon social thing or are they aware of missed opportunities?
I think it is a bunch of crap to say that you can't have intellectual connection and sexual connection. That being said I hope that you have realistic sexual expectations rather then some porn star or playboy model. Those women don't exist and are airbrushed.
ReplyDeleteUmm... no, you can't blame a wife for her husband's cheating! Even if she has become unsatisfying to him intellectually AND sexually and he completly hates her, it is still HIS choice to cheat. No person should ever be blamed for someone else's actions! If a man chooses to cheat on his wife, ALL the blame belongs to him!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Newtons. You absolutly can have incredibly strong connections (intellectually, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, ect.) in marriage and after kids. Yes, kids do take time and energy, but they don't have to take away from your relationship with your spouse, unless you let them.
Dear singlemormonchick:
ReplyDeleteI might have talked about Hobbes before. She may have cheated on him but mostly she just decided she didn't want to be married to him anymore and that maybe she was a lesbian. I disagree with you about the "No excuse" thing. There are excuses for everything else under the sun. Everything has levels. First degree murder, second degree murder, voluntary manslaughter, involuntary manslaughter. Why wouldn't it be the same for cheating? I dont agree with that behavior but everyone has their reasons. And those reasons (intent) can make all the difference.
My parents are disappointed because I am not married. They want me to marry House. End of story. They have wanted me to marry other girls that I wasn't in love with in the past. I guess they should have been whispering in my crib "get married young in the temple" instead of "go to college and be successful."
Love Tripp
Dear Newtons:
ReplyDeleteI merely asked the question and speculated on it. Obviously I have no experience to determine whether or not it is true. I do have statistics that say 50% of all marriages end in divorce and those statistics hold true for LDS faithful as well as atheists. So a good percentage of marriages are simply not working. I don't know what this has to do with my sexual expectations.
Love Tripp
Dear Jenni:
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I hope I haven't stepped on your toes too much. I do think you can blame a wife for her husband's cheating. Marriage is like other civil law. You can be found to be a contributing factor to something and hold a percentage of the blame. We all face blame for another's actions at different times in life. Parents are held accountable under the law for some actions of their children. If your child walks up to an obese woman in the grocery store and says "You're fate!" you are embarassed because you do shoulder some of the blame. There are crimes of commission and crimes of omission. Anyway, my point wasn't really to try and justify cheating. It's just to say that there are two sides to every story.
As for the incredibly strong connections, I hope that you are correct All relationships require large amounts of effort to make things work. When things go wrong, it is almost always the case that both parties were somewhat responsible. If I honestly believed that my future wife would cut all the attention she gave me to care for our child, I would probably be writing a blog about avoiding marriage rather than a blog about attempting to find it. Still, I think these things warrant some thought and discussion.
Love Tripp
Tripp-
ReplyDeleteI would agree with you if we were talking about divorce. Divorce is sometimes a good choice. Cheating on your spouse is always wrong, no matter what! Any cheater who tries to push some of the blame on to their spouse (or anyone else, for that matter!) is just trying to excuse or justify their own bad choice.
I do agree with you about relationships and marriages taking a lot of effort. They do! It's my opinion that a majority of divorces are caused by one or both spouses being not willing to put in the effort. They come home from their jobs or whatever and think they deserve a break, but really they should be working harder on their marriages than their jobs.
Ouch! Marriage is about making the effort to stay close no matter what else pops up. Staying attracted to each other in any way can take work at different times in the marriage. If either spouse doesn't pay enough attention to what attracts them to the other, then it can be forgotten. But if you do little things to remind yourself and each other, then marriage can stay pretty hot and spicy! At least for 7 years. I'll let you know as we get further down the road.
ReplyDeleteShouldn't your role as a parent come second to your role as a spouse? I was under the understanding that though children are important, they should never come before the spouse...am I wrong?
ReplyDeleteI think you put too much thought into it all. If you love each other and are willing to spend time with each other then it will work out. If one of you isn't going to put in the effort then it will fail. It doesn't matter if kids are in the picture or not. You should stop worrying so much about how successful your marriage will be. Of course marriages fail, but if you get married with the attitude that you will be together forever no matter what then you have no choice but to work out your differences (because there will be some). I think that if you honestly love someone (you obviously aren't there yet) then you won't have your worries or doubts. You will just know that it's right and the numbers and statistics will not matter.
ReplyDeletep.s. your parents are not disappointed in you and I think you really know that. You should know by now how opinionated your dad is about EVERYTHING! They love you and they want you to get married because they know it will make you happy and that is what they want. They just can't understand why you don't love house. They have seen you together and mom has said how you were completely yourself and talked and talked. Someone who can stimulate you and put you completely at ease is a great find and they just don't get why it can't be more then that. That is not disappointment at all.
Dear Cheryl:
ReplyDeleteSo you are saying your love life is hot and spicy? Ha ha. Thats good to know. Obviously at this stage in my life, good habits for keeping the fire alive are of less concern than simply trying to get the fire started but you make a good point.
Love Tripp
Dear Jody Mac:
ReplyDeleteThat whole area is kinda gray within the church. I do think there is a tendency by women to focus most of their attention on the children and forget about the husband a little. If the church is teaching against this, I have never been involved in a lesson or really heard much about it. Oftentimes the church tends to skirt around the issues, talking in metaphors to avoid offending people. But, most people just don't get the metaphors and wacky hilarity results (e.g., ill communication). But that doesn't mean that we can't hope for things to change in our own lives.
Love Tripp
Dear The Newton's:
ReplyDeleteShouldn't it actually be just "The Newtons" without that apostrophe? I am sure my parents love me but that doesn't mean they aren't disappointed in me. I have had friends that are girls through most of my life that I felt completely at ease with but that I wasn't falling in love with. I really don't equate the two things (I don't see how being completely at ease with someone has anything to do with falling in love with them). But you are right, I haven't found someone yet that I feel that way about and until I do, there is no way I should get married.
Love Tripp
hahaha I'm surprised that these comments don't have more vitriol :P This is a pretty hot-button issue, this blaming one spouse for the other's infidelity.
ReplyDeleteI have to ask if you considered this beyond the man cheating on his wife scenario, though.
For example, let's say it's a woman who's unfaithful. Her husband works all the time, ALL the time, and she rarely sees him. Most of her emotional needs are not being met, and her sexual needs only just. So she strays, finds someone else who can fulfill that need for her. In this scenario, do you still think her husband deserves some of the blame for her infidelity?
Yes? Then what if the reason her husband works so much is because she's dissatisfied with their current living conditions, and she often says how much she wants a bigger house. She doesn't nag about it; just mentions it, regularly. Her husband wants to increase their income in order to make her happy.
So, who's at fault now?
You can say that that's just one example, but there could be hundreds more like it, because every marriage is so massively personal, unique and full of issues that everybody has and yet are specifically tailored to each couple. Can you really say that both partners should always share blame for cheating? I think not.
Of course, take my thoughts with a grain of salt, as I am an unmarried nineteen-year-old myself (perhaps with a boulder of salt, then), but it's something to think about. I really don't think that cheating is cut-and dried enough that you can even say "both of them are always guilty," much less, "it's only ever the cheater's fault."
Dear Kristen:
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your comment. I absolutely consider this to go both ways. I initially had the idea after watching a movie where a man was cheating on his wife and he told one of his friends that it was because he was uncomfortable doing the things he wanted to do (sexual positions) with his wife but that he truly loved his wife. I think the blame can be on both parties when either party cheats. I am not saying that it is 50/50. It might even be 99% the cheater's fault and 1% the other spouse's fault. But I think generally there will be some blame to the non cheating party.
I agree that all marriages are different with different problems. I think we can all think of an example of a situation when the cheating is only one spouse's fault but I think this is extremely rare. Especially when you get into all the emotional, financial and sexual issues that could arise. I guess that is basically what you concluded at the end of your comment - so that means we are in agreement.
Love Tripp
So I know I'm a bit late responding to this post, but I felt the need to chime in... Fault aside, the majority of these hypothetical cheating scenarios can be preempted by one simple thing: communication. If someone is feeling neglected, or feeling as though his/her needs are not being met -- speak up! A relationship needs to be built on communication so problems can be addressed before they grow to the point that they are irreparable.
ReplyDeleteAs to whether or not a man needs a mistress, I say no -- he just needs one good gal who can do everything, fill all roles. Again, this would come down to communication! What will be expected of your future wife? If you want her to be both maternal and a saucy minx years into your marriage, tell her how you feel. And, make sure you create an environment where she can feel comfortable sharing her needs and expectations as well.
Lastly, I am proud that you haven't just married anyone just because you feel you should. People who tell you to marry the next girl who comes along are ridiculous. If you marry someone you don't really care about, you won't be able to cultivate the friendship that is necessary in a lasting relationship. Also, if you don't truly love someone, why would you want to work on things when the going gets tough? Find the right person for you. Don't settle -- no matter how long it takes. And when you do find the right person, communicate with her! When I met my husband I stopped wearing makeup because he didn't like it. The irony was, I didn't like wearing makeup anyway, but I thought I should because men would like it. So don't discount the lipgloss-wearers just yet...
Best of luck in your search!
-A (the one who liked your hairless cat story!)