It must have been love, but it's over now

It must have been good, but we lost it somehow. Jewel and I haven't talked in 11 days. After a bit of a freakout, I called her 12 days ago and laid some feelings on the line. I told her that she was mistreating me and that I wasn't at all a priority in her life. She admitted that I wasn't a priority. Sort of. As we talked it became clear what had happened. Jewel really enjoyed hanging out with me and even liked me quite a bit. I started liking her back. And it freaked her out. Don't get me wrong, I am sure plenty of this is my fault. I am not used to liking girls. The last girl I really liked was 2 years ago, and people change a lot in 2 years. So I think I came on too heavy.

So Jewel and I met for lunch and to figure out how to proceed the following day. The lunch was pretty short. We had some casual small talk and then talked about options. In a perfect world, I would be able to just tone it down and continue dating Jewel while she figures out what she wants. There is a good chance that we could continue to date over the next few months and she could fall madly in love with me. We decided on a 1 week break with no talking. For both of us to think about what we really wanted. I guess when the break started, I didn't really think about how we would initiate communication after the week. I kinda figured that since she knows I like her, she would be the one to initiate it. Littlebrother advised me to not call or text her on Monday and I heeded his advice. On Tuesday, I realized I had no idea what I could possibly say to Jewel. Telling her that I have strong feelings for her wouldn't work - I already tried that. Telling her that I am ok with casually dating her is basically going back to where I was a few weeks ago. Whether you like me or not, you should agree that Jewel was not treating me as well as I deserve to be treated.

Now it is Thursday and we still haven't talked. She hasn't called or texted. I told littlebrother last night that she probably doesn't even remember who I am. I am trying to sort of play it off like I am not super bothered by this whole thing. Yesterday, I logged onto facebook chat and saw Jewel online there (she is almost never online) and my heart skipped a beat, literally. I didn't say anything to her. Last night, I prayed long and hard about getting help to handle this situation appropriately. I asked if I should email her or call her or text her or visit her in person or never talk to her again. I am not sure I have received an answer. Maybe God just doesn't care much about my dumb little dating dilemmas.

They say that when you meet the right person, it will just be easy. At first, that's exactly how it felt with Jewel. The conversation never lagged. I looked forward to spending time with her. Basically she made every activity fun and I felt like I did the same for her. Someone once told me that with how much I date, and with how long I have waited to get married, I am sure to find exactly what I want. He married the first girl he dated after his mission. Maybe none of us ever really have it figured out.

2 steps forward, 1,823 steps back

While on vacation, I wrote Jewel an email. Nothing too heavy. When I got back and she still hadn't responded, I was a little bummed. But she texted me and suggested we go on a bike ride on Saturday. We met at the park and then biked to a little hamburger joint where Jewel insisted on paying. I was definitely more quiet on this date than usual. Jewel brought it up a few times, trying to figure out what was going on in my head. I couldn't tell her that I was trying to seriously evaluate whether she cared enough about me to make any effort I put in worthwhile. While on the bike ride, we passed a car dealership and Jewel and I decided to test drive a couple of cars. Well, SUVs. Jewel really wants a new car and I think test driving new cars is a lot of fun. The date was fun but I kept counting myself out through the rest of the evening.

On Sunday, I had asked Jewel to go to family dinner for littlesister's birthday at my parents' house (the estate). While I was in church, my anxiety spiked. I seriously wondered why I was even bothering. The way I saw it, Jewel didn't care the least about me. She would probably feel super awkward around my family. I came fairly close to calling up Jewel and saying I didn't think she should come.

Nevertheless, I decided to give it my all and perhaps take myself out of the game with Jewel if the evening didn't go well. I picked up littlebrother and then Jewel and drove to the estate. Jewel was super talkative on the drive up and i could tell that her and littlebrother got along fairly well. We ate dinner, played with the dogs, jumped on the trampoline and played ping pong. It was fun and super chill. I think Jewel had fun too. I can never tell with her. In a lot of ways, she was much more excited to see and play with our dogs than anything else.

On the drive home, Jewel decided to blast some LDS primary songs on my radio. Jewel pretty much has ADHD when it comes to music and kept changing songs after listening to about 1/3 of a song. I was trying to talk to her and listen to the music and didn't notice that I was going 20 mph over the speed limit until the cop pulled me over. Jewel and littlebrother approached it humorously but I was super embarrassed about it. Luckily, the cop chose to only write me a ticket for not having signed my registration and let me off with a warning for the speeding. I am sure it helped that littlebrother said a few funny comments to the officer that made him laugh. If you ask littlebrother, he was 100% responsible for me not getting the ticket, but that is just how littlebrother is. Jewel laughed pretty hard about it and I had to smile. I dropped her off at her apartment and there was almost no linger. I was frustrated. Jewel seems to be so spunky and feisty about everything except me. When she told me that she feels like she talks a lot more than I do, I really wanted to tell her that she had bruised my self esteem a bit and that if she worked on building it back up, I would get a lot more comfortable with her. As it is, I am always a bit on edge around her.

As I drove off, I explained to littlebrother my dilemma. As I was whining about my situation, my phone rang. It was Jewel! It was only maybe 5 minutes after I had dropped her off. She said that she had a lot of fun with me that day and that we should definitely get together soon. It definitely brightened my mood. I am just realizing that I need more little affirmations like that.

Probably one of the biggest problems is that since I have started dating Jewel, I haven't had any interest in dating any other girls. I am tempted to start asking a number of different girls out to distract me from Jewel a little. Good idea or bad?