A long december

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about the song "Long December" by Counting Crows. Especially the lines "maybe this year will be better than the last" and the lines "it's been so long since I've seen the ocean, I guess I should." As of late, my dating life has been tiring. No, my dating life has been exhausting. I feel as if I have been running at a sprint for such a long time while getting nowhere. I suppose the old adage "if you don't know where you are going, maybe you are already there" applies. Or the one that says "no matter where you go, there you are." Maybe I am running from myself. Maybe I am running from what everyone around me perceives me as.

In any case, I am going to stop running. Someone once told me that dating was all a numbers game (or was it me that told someone else that? I can never be too sure). According to my records, at the age of 27 I had been on a first date with 204 women. That is when I stopped keeping records. But I have easily been out with another 100 girls since then. It all started when my bishop told my older brother as he turned 16 that he should try and go out with 20 different girls before he married one. Who knows how different my life might have been if I had never heard those words. So I kept track. It became a bit of a ritual, I got home from a date and I wrote her name on the list. I dated when I had no interest in dating. I dated when I had no money. Sure I dated girls that I was really interested in. But if there wasn't one or she wasn't available, I dated anyway. Some of my friends were very critical of this list (and of my dating habits) but I wasn't really doing it for them. I had this romantic idea in my head that my wife would be the last name on the list and we would frame it and place it in our house to display what I had gone through to find her. Instead, I ended up burning the list in a little ceremony.

People were critical of the list just as they were critical (and still are) of my dating habits. But I can't take everyone's advice all the time. I guess in hindsight, I should have never taken anyone's advice. If I had those dates back, I would probably have enough money to pay off my car and my student loans. I don't think taking that many girls out on dates was selfish.

I do think that I need a change though. I am going to stop going out on dates with girls I don't like. It means I probably will spend a lot more time playing video games or watching tv and a lot less time going to shows, plays, operas, ballets, concerts, baseball games, basketball games, football games, formal dinners, informal dinners, restaurants, etc. Maybe I will start writing music again (although the only thing that ever inspired me to write music was girls). I hope I can continue to blog about some of my more interesting dating experiences.

For the time being

I had to pull the blog down again tonight. I am still amazed at the trouble I managed to kick up by trying to write a blog about my dating life.

Disasters

So when I first started writing this blog about a year and a half ago, it was just to let a few of my friends read my stories and allow myself the opportunity to write more. I was warned often that writing about my dating life might jeopardize some of my personal relationships and hurt some feelings. I shrugged all of that off because nobody was really reading my blog anyway and people wouldn't know what to search for if they wanted to find it anyway. I am not the best at being completely honest about my feelings and emotions in front of people. In fact, I tend to hide behind my "nice guy" persona. Thus, this blog has also provided a bit of therapy by allowing me to say the things that I would never say in person. Typically this has been for the better of "for better or worse" but on Tuesday, it would prove to be for the worse.

On Tuesday, one of the girls I had been going on dates with found my blog and texted me to let me know her disapproval. To say that it stressed me out would be gross understating. Part of the reason that I am such a nice person in real life is that I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So, I began taking advantage of the anonymity that this blog affords me, and I posted some things that were harsher than I should have. I called her and apologized. She told me that I objectified women and that I clearly needed therapy. It seemed rather ironic having her tell me how bad of a person I am for having posted some of the things about her personality that I didn't like.

I immediately pulled the blog offline while I decided what to do. Do I want to keep writing and risk more problems such as this? Do I want to discontinue the blog? Should I sugarcoat everything I write about every girl so as to prevent any feelings from being hurt in the future? I guess what it really comes down to is this question "Am I treating dating as a game or am I truly searching for the right one?" Even though I would like to think it is the latter, I have to admit it is a combination of both. But what right does anybody have to judge me for that? Thus, I am going to continue blogging and let the chips fall where they land.

Fast Food Dating

On Friday night, I went and saw a movie with Gamer and Chief. It wasn't really that interesting. Gamer is just as awkward as ever and Chief has always been very awkward. But it's nice to have friends that want to do stuff with you (although to be honest, I am not sure why they want me to do stuff with them - do they need a chaperone because he is married to someone other than her?). On Saturday I had a date with Simpson. I am so lukewarm about Simpson that it's like swimming in a warm pool when it is hot and humid outside of the pool. I just kind of get no sensation either way. But Simpson is very nice and the conversation was pretty good. After dinner, we made smoothies at my house (in case you are noticing a trend, I finally gave in and purchased a super high powered blender; it's one of those blenders that you can blend anything in and so I have been on a smoothie and milkshake kick) and watched a movie. I made out with Simpson. It's scuzzy and I know it. It's kinda like eating fast food. You know that after you eat it, you are gonna kind of feel sick to your stomach. And you know that eating it for long periods of time is only going to make you fat and unhealthy. But, you are hungry and it's right there and it's cheap and they can get it to you fast. And so you just give in and eat it once in awhile. I know that I don't really like Simpson, because the next day I thought to myself "How am I going to get myself out of this one?"

On Monday night, I talked on the phone with a new girl named Wonder. I haven't yet met Wonder but we are going on a date on Saturday. We have been emailing on the dating website for a little while and she seems pretty cool. Definitely much more conservative than me but it should be fun to go out with her. Last night, TAB came over to make smoothies. We went to the grocery store to purchase appropriate smoothie supplies. TAB was absolutely annoying at the store. Ever since I told her that I thought she was controlling, she kinda tries to pretend like she is not controlling by saying things like "it's your smoothie, what do you want to do?" But then she picks and chooses pretty much everything. The smoothie did not turn out as well as the one with Simpson, even though Simpson and I spent $10 on supplies while TAB and I spent $30 on supplies. We didn't kiss or anything and I have no intention of going out with TAB again. TAB is sort of like an annoying expensive restaurant in Las Vegas with expensive sub-standard food. It's too hard to get and the food you do get is not near worth the expense to obtain it.

Today, I walked into my office to find an envelope from the business where House works. My heart jumped. I was worried I was going to get a scathing letter about how irresponsible I am. Or some other bad news from House. My secretary opens all of my mail (I have no idea if she reads it or not, but the mail is always placed on my desk opened) so I was also a little nervous about what she might have seen. The envelope included a book called "Look me in the eye" and a letter from House. It was kind but basically said that in the future, I should try and be a better communicator. I have struggled so much with wanting to write House an email or call her and try and work things out. In fact, I almost cried while thinking about her this morning. I had/have feelings for her. I just never felt like it was enough. Like that I never felt strong enough about her to justify ruining her life by having me be a large part of it.