Friday, October 1, 2010

Waves of notalgia

I am not sure if it's the fact that I am listening to "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert or that I just finished reading some of the real story behind Mormon Bachelor Pad or the fact that I kissed House for the first time a few days ago or that I recently turned 30 but I am feeling very nostalgic.

The past 9 years have been crazy. I quite literally went out on dates with over 200 different women. I had the worst first date of my life (she said partway through the date "You know what Tripp, sometimes you just need to learn when to shut up!"), I had the best first date of my life (thus far) with a girl named Mindy to the Ballet. I watched girls come and go in my life. Some of the girls I used to date have married friends and I have seen a glimpse into their lives that I don't usually see. Others have disappeared and I may never see what became of them. There are lots of girls that I have been on a date with that I wouldn't recognize if I passed them on the street. I am not sure they would recognize me either. There are a few that I could spot from 100 yards away. Some I would approach and strike up a conversation. Others I am sure I would hide if I saw them. In fact, the last time I saw Princess at the mall, I hid to make sure she didn't see me.

I guess it makes me sad to think about all of the missed chances and blown opportunities. I fell in love at times when I shouldn't. I didn't fall in love at times when I should have. I cried with girls and I made girls cry. As I remember it, I cried more than the girls but it's hard to really know how much a girl is crying over you when you aren't there. I have treated girls better than they deserved to be treated and others much worse than they deserved. I have kissed girls that I didn't like and not kissed girls that I really liked. I have even told girls "I love you" when I didn't mean it and remained silent when I should have said "I love you."

I have been far from perfect in dating. I would like to think that I always had the best of intentions but I know that sometimes I did not. I felt sorry for myself when a girl didn't like me but I never thought twice when I didn't like a girl and she liked me.

And now, I have never felt further away from falling in love. I like House and think the world of her. If I married her, we would be happy. She would make my life better. But she deserves someone that loves her. Someone that really loves her. And I don't. I know what it's like to fall in love cause I have been in love. It wasn't perfect and I screwed it up but I felt it.

I had a dream on Tuesday night about House. I dreamed that we were friends and that she told me that she was getting married. I was confused and realized that I was in love with her. I was disturbed that what I wanted had been in front of me all along. The dream really affected me. So I decided I needed to try with House.

Sometimes I think I am more broken than I like to admit. I have taken a beating from dating. I am not innocent. Just damaged goods. "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself..." Here's to hoping.

6 comments:

  1. Tripp: I think that this is one of the most thoughtful and mature comments I've read on your blog.

    In many ways, love is a decision.

    I think that one of the "tests" for love that I've heard before quite bothers me. It goes something like, "If you can't live without them, then you love them." Baloney. In almost all circumstances, we are very capable of living without those we love. A better question would be, "do you want to live without them?" Sometimes this is hard to answer. I find your dream intriguing. I think that we often don't know if we want to live without someone until we're threatened with their departure.

    --Stuntman

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  2. can we get an "amen" to what stuntman is preaching?
    i may be speaking out of turn, but is it possible that the spirit might be communicating with you through that dream? that was my first impression as i read this post.
    i think its a brilliant decision to give it a go with house. how it all turns out might surprise you. at the very least,you learned some amazing lessons about what not to do and you can make sure that even if you dont end up getting married, you can part nicely.
    i feel like giving you a big hug. i feel oddly proud. i know, silly me.

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  3. Winter is quickly approaching - so yeah - hiking would have to be done soon :)

    you've dated over 200 girls? Wowsers! Where have you found the time? I guess that's the introvert in me talking.

    And as far as the quote at the bottom ... I think being introspective is important - but sometimes picking at a wound prevents it from ever healing. Just a thought.

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  4. Dear Daisy:

    I went on dates with over 200 girls. I don't know if that counts as dated. A fair amount of them never went past the first date. The good news is that I am very comfortable on a first date. The bad news: I am probably not that good at first dates. Ha ha. I agree that wounds need to just heal sometimes. I just really liked that song and it was having an emotional effect on me. Should we go hiking this Saturday?

    Love Tripp

    P.S. You can just email me at Tripphazardmcneely@blogspot.com.

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  5. I think someone's had a epiphany. <3

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  6. Hey! Where's my post?! We went on a date!

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