Girls that are into flashy cars and big dogs

I haven't written much lately. But then, I haven't dated much lately. Last week, House and I went to see The Social Network. It was fascinating. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. As I walked House back up to her doorstep after, she said "Kiss me goodnight Tripp." So I did. And guess what? Still nothing. I have been debating telling her that it just isn't working and cutting things off. I enjoy spending time with her so much though. Some of my friends and coworkers are convinced that she is right for me and that I should just ignore my feelings. But for how long? I am a normal warm blooded male. I just dont see House in that way.

The online dating thing hasnt produced any substance yet. Milo looked through the profiles of the girls I was chatting with and he didn't think any of them were attractive. The problem is that I am just not meeting any girls that have the potential to date. The girls at the singles ward are all too young for me to date (well, in reality, I am too old for them to date). There aren't lots of places for a single LDS guy to meet single LDS girls. Especially out of college. So I have been considering a dog.

Yeah, that's right. I am thinking about getting a dog. Something that will attract girls. I mean, I tried buying a flashy car and it didn't really work. Milo has been suggesting I trade my car in for a Lotus or a Nissan GTR. He thinks that the problem is that my car (an Infiniti) and me both look just like everyone else. I already know what you are thinking: "But Tripp, won't a flashy car or a big dog only attract girls that are into flashy cars or big dogs?" The answer is yes. Those girls are better than no girls, right? So which should it be, a flashy new car (that just happens to be capable of going 193 mph) or a big dog (I am leaning towards a Great Dane)?

Pink Floyd with Punk

Last week, Punk and I went on a date to see this awesome band. I have known Punk for 2 1/2 years. We have hung out quite a few times but, to be fair, we have never been on a date. She was good friends with an ex-girlfriend of mine (that is how we met) and there were times when Punk advised this ex-girlfriend that I was a jerk. So we didn't exactly start at a favorable point for a romantic relationship. In fact, there was a time when Punk and I didn't get along so well. But now, I adore her.

I haven't made a ton of effort to take Punk out on any dates. She has this on-again off-again boyfriend that is basically her best friend and that creates a huge wall. Plus, Punk seems to stand me up a bunch. She always has a pretty legitimate excuse but a lot of the time, I think it's just so she can go hang out with that guy. Although Punk has said that she is attracted to me, she doesn't particularly act that way around me. Sometimes I think Punk just likes to hang out with me because I am too agreeable. I will admit that around Punk, I tend to be more agreeable than around other people. I think it might be because Punk intimidates me. Not a ton, but just enough for me to always kinda be on my best behavior around her. And as I have already mentioned, my best behavior is very impressive to people but it doesn't induce romance.

Punk picked me up for the concert. She had an extra ticket and texted me a day or two before the show. I was really excited to go but I definitely felt like I was her backup-backup plan. Her parents and brothers and sister and brother-in-law were all there and then me, so I am guessing she had plenty of time to plan for the concert and at the last minute, she invited me. It was ok though, I was excited to go. I had made plans to do something with House that night (to go to some wedding reception) but I texted her and told her I was invited to a concert that I really wanted to go to.

For the most part, Punk and I interact solely as friends. We joke all the time about how we are going to get married but we have never kissed or held hands or anything. At the concert, she did rest her head on my shoulder for a minute but it was short lived and more friendly than romantic. Still, the concert was awesome. We had VIP seats in a suite. After the concert, Punk dropped me off at my house. The night was young and I totally wanted to watch a movie or something with Punk but she kinda acted like she had to go (when we pulled into the driveway, she left the car running). I was a little bummed since it was Saturday night at 10 and I was basically in for the night. I just can't really figure out if Punk is only interested in me as a friend or if she would actually enjoy spending more time with me. I have invited her to play video games with me but she hasn't yet come over to do it. Before the date, I texted her and said "Wait, is this a date? Does that mean we are gonna kiss and stuff?" and she responded with "It is a date. But no kissing cause you have cooties."

I broke down last week and joined a dating site. Thus far, it hasn't produced any solid leads. Thing is, the girls that it is going to match me up with are not necessarily the girls that I am super attracted to. It seems to match me up with very conservative girls. Most of them are over 26. I think I am attracted to younge girls because I look so much younger (and act so much younger) than I really am. Punk's little brother LittlePunk said at the concert "Are you really 30?" I took it as a compliment.

Waves of notalgia

I am not sure if it's the fact that I am listening to "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert or that I just finished reading some of the real story behind Mormon Bachelor Pad or the fact that I kissed House for the first time a few days ago or that I recently turned 30 but I am feeling very nostalgic.

The past 9 years have been crazy. I quite literally went out on dates with over 200 different women. I had the worst first date of my life (she said partway through the date "You know what Tripp, sometimes you just need to learn when to shut up!"), I had the best first date of my life (thus far) with a girl named Mindy to the Ballet. I watched girls come and go in my life. Some of the girls I used to date have married friends and I have seen a glimpse into their lives that I don't usually see. Others have disappeared and I may never see what became of them. There are lots of girls that I have been on a date with that I wouldn't recognize if I passed them on the street. I am not sure they would recognize me either. There are a few that I could spot from 100 yards away. Some I would approach and strike up a conversation. Others I am sure I would hide if I saw them. In fact, the last time I saw Princess at the mall, I hid to make sure she didn't see me.

I guess it makes me sad to think about all of the missed chances and blown opportunities. I fell in love at times when I shouldn't. I didn't fall in love at times when I should have. I cried with girls and I made girls cry. As I remember it, I cried more than the girls but it's hard to really know how much a girl is crying over you when you aren't there. I have treated girls better than they deserved to be treated and others much worse than they deserved. I have kissed girls that I didn't like and not kissed girls that I really liked. I have even told girls "I love you" when I didn't mean it and remained silent when I should have said "I love you."

I have been far from perfect in dating. I would like to think that I always had the best of intentions but I know that sometimes I did not. I felt sorry for myself when a girl didn't like me but I never thought twice when I didn't like a girl and she liked me.

And now, I have never felt further away from falling in love. I like House and think the world of her. If I married her, we would be happy. She would make my life better. But she deserves someone that loves her. Someone that really loves her. And I don't. I know what it's like to fall in love cause I have been in love. It wasn't perfect and I screwed it up but I felt it.

I had a dream on Tuesday night about House. I dreamed that we were friends and that she told me that she was getting married. I was confused and realized that I was in love with her. I was disturbed that what I wanted had been in front of me all along. The dream really affected me. So I decided I needed to try with House.

Sometimes I think I am more broken than I like to admit. I have taken a beating from dating. I am not innocent. Just damaged goods. "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself..." Here's to hoping.