Skydiving and the fair with Pulse

I talked Pulse into going skydiving with me on my birthday. I knew that the only way I would dare do it is if it was on my birthday and if I had someone there with me to hold me accountable. I was so scared. Surprisingly, Pulse wasn't really all that scared. We both ended up having a lot of fun. So I decided to ask her if she would go to the state fair with me the following weekend. In case you don't know, I love the state fair. It's a combination of the food, the smells, the people, the rides, the carnies, and the animals. And I knew that I would have fun with Pulse.

The fair started out well enough. We got some fried cheese on a stick and saw a bunch of the animals. Then, we went to the sheep. While Pulse and I were looking at the size of the scrotum of a prize sheep (the size of a cantaloupe!), in walked this guy that Pulse has kind of been dating lately. Although my feelings towards Pulse are definitely mixed right now, I was not too happy to see/meet this guy. In fact, it put me in a pretty bad mood. Pulse and I have had many talks about the difference in guys. She uses a scale between "dude" and "emo." I use a similar scale between "douche bag" and "wiener." This guy is basically pretty far over on the "wiener" scale. Although Pulse says that I am a dude, I consider myself to be somewhere in the middle (although closer to the "douche bag" side than the "wiener" side, but not by much). However, when this wiener started talking to us, I reverted to "douche bag" mode. I couldn't help it. I felt threatened and I didn't want him there. It's hard to explain how I reverted to "douche bag" mode but I definitely felt it. It actually carried over for another 45 minutes after we left the wiener. I was kinda mad at Pulse that we had run into him and that she had introduced us and acted like it was no big deal. To Pulse's credit, she worked hard to get me out of "douche bag" mode. She suggested we ride some of the rides. I was less than enthusiastic and just wanted to leave the fair and head home. Pulse talked me into it though, and as soon as we were on one of the rides, I came out of "douche bag" mode and started having fun again. The rides were fantastic. I love fair rides. Expensive and dangerous with creeps running them, fair rides are a true white trash paradise. We screamed and laughed and basically just loved riding the rides. Although I was super frustrated with Pulse and am feeling as if I will probably just walk away rather than try and date her, I was glad that we had the night together at the fair.

What's been happening lately

So Jewel finally called me early one morning and said she didn't feel strongly enough about me to keep seeing me. I was bummed but the anxiety finally stopped. She said "I am probably gonna regret this." And I said "if you do, give me a call." And that was it. I went on a second date with Cabinet. It was fun but I can tell that Cabinet has huge walls built up. It's almost impossible to schedule a date with her. When I suggested a third date, she told me she had a night available in like two weeks. How am I ever going to build a relationship with someone if I only see them once every two weeks?

I went on a couple of dates with littleKJo. She is dating another guy though. And KJo knows of this blog, so I have to be careful what I write about littleKJo, since KJo is sure to tell her all about it.

I have been talking with Pulse a lot lately. On the 24th, I decided to text her and see how everything was going. She suggested we meet for dinner. We met up around 9 and ended up talking/hanging out until 2 in the morning. It was a lot of fun. I just didn't want to leave. I found myself so emotionally attracted to the stability that Pulse represents. Not that Pulse isn't lots of fun, she just isn't crazy like Jewel. Since then, Pulse and I have talked quite a bit. I told her all about Jewel and she told me all about the guys that are currently in her life. Basically, the timing is not right for dating Pulse.

Last Tuesday, I got a text from Jewel asking how my whiplash was (I was involved in about 6 major automobile accidents and about 8 minor automobile accidents over the previous weekend). I didn't respond. The next day, I received another text from her saying "I would like to spend time with you and get to know you better, is that something you would be interested in?" I was not too happy about receiving this text. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that Jewel had just gotten bored and liked having someone that liked her. So I followed my knee jerk reaction. I went to my computer and I wrote her an email. It was probably a little bit harsh. I told her how she had mistreated me. I told her I deserved better treatment.

Two days later, I got a text from Jewel saying "Just FYI, that was me admitting I made a mistake." I was seriously confused. I responded "and that was me telling you I still like you." A few hours later, I got another text from Jewel saying that she had just received my email and to have a great summer. I was so confused. Then I received an email from Jewel. She did not like what I had written in my email and felt attacked. She said that she obviously wasn't good enough for me and that she was sorry and that she hoped I had a good life. I responded with another email telling her that I still really liked her and that the email had been a little too harsh. I told her that I was willing to swallow my pride and admit that I had made some mistakes. Was she willing to swallow her pride and admit that she had made some mistakes too? On Saturday morning, I received a text from Jewel saying thanks for the second email and that she had some serious thinking to do. To be honest, it bummed me out quite a bit. What thinking did she have to do? Hadn't she already spent plenty of time thinking?

Today, Jewel called me. We talked for about 30 minutes. As usual, Jewel spoke semi-cryptically. She said that she had admitted she made a mistake and wanted to go out with me one more time to see if we clicked. But then she had received the emails from me. The harsh words that I said made her realize that it was selfish of her to go out with me again and torture me so. I told her that this was not irreparable. And that was it. I said bye and she was gone again. At this point, I seriously doubt that I will ever see Jewel again. I suppose it is for the best.

Last week littlebrother brought a girl over to my house named ZZ. I thought ZZ was pretty cute and littlebrother was all about me asking her out (after he made out with her in my house - which is just awkward). I am toying with the idea of asking her out.

Is that a hairless cat?

I was supposed to go to dinner with Simpson the other night. But when I texted her, she told me she had forgotten and that she had some car problems that needed taken care of. I know it sounds dumb but I was kinda bugged at Simpson about it. So I haven't contacted her since.

Last night I went to a condo with Sugarloaf, Barrel, TheCaptain, Robin (The Boy Wonder), Giselle, this girl BigMac and this girl LuvMeLongTime. LuvMeLongTime and Giselle are really good friends. I really have no interest in dating any of these girls. It's amazing how hard it is to get girls to come along on things with us. I know Sugarloaf called like 5 girls and none came. TheCaptain brought along all three (all of whom I had met before). Everytime I hear girls complain about how they are never hanging out with guys, I have a hard time believing it. Either there are tons more guys than girls around or huge groups of girls are going around with a small number of guys. Either way, it pisses me off.

While I was in law school, a coworker showed me a picture of his sister-in-law named Sphynx. She was really cute. I suggested he set me up with her and he told me that I had no idea what I was getting into. Sphynx bred/raised hairless cats. She didn't have one or two or three or four. She had 17! Still, she looked cute enough and I thought to myself "How bad can a bunch of cats be?" On our first date, Sphynx seemed fairly normal, albeit a little shy. The date was fairly short and I thought I would ask her out again. As we were driving after dinner, Sphynx told me that a year earlier, she had been stealing oxycontin from the pharmacy where she worked and had been sent to rehab. I know it's a good idea to get things like that out in the open fairly early on, but conversations about recent drug abuse on a second date is not recommended.

Still, the date went well enough. We watched a movie at her house (well, her parent's house where she lived) and things appeared to be going well. We started making out and I kid you not, a hairless cat jumped up on me. Google "hairless cat" if you wanna see what these creepy things look like.

A few days later, Sphynx called me and asked me to go to a baby blessing of her sister's baby (my coworker's kid). I agreed. We sat down in sacrament meeting but Sphynx felt like confessing. So, as the sacrament was being passed, Sphynx told me how many tattoos she had (three). Then she told me how many piercings she had once had (9, including one in an unmentionable location). About a week later, Sphynx called me and invited me to a family dinner at her house. I accepted. I showed up and Sphynx acted particularly weird. She seriously asked me if I was ok like 7 times during dinner. She seemed high. My coworker told me that before I had arrived, she was freaking out and needed help doing her hair. She had just come from work at the pharmacy (yeah, she was able to continue working there) and he thought she had taken something there. She told me she had only taken a Xanax but it seemed like she had taken more.

After dinner, she was really rude to her mom (we were in her parent's house and her mom was watching tv; Sphynx told her mom that she was being rude for not leaving the room to let us watch what we wanted to watch (even though the basketball game on that her mom was watching was plenty interesting to me)). At this point, I decided I had just about enough with Sphynx. She got a text from some guy and she told me about how he wanted to date her but that she didn't want to date him, she wanted to date me! It really freaked me out. I said something about wanting to leave and she kinda grabbed onto me and was like "No, you can't leave yet." Not wanting to be rude, I stayed for over an hour after that. I was really put off by the whole thing though.

A week or two later, I decided that the only solution was for me to "break-up" with Spynx, even though we had never really gotten together. Whenever I meet a girl that is a bit crazy, I usually gauge her craziness on a "how many hairless cats" scale. Sphynx was a 17 hairless cats amount of crazy.

Other notes: Pulse is now officially in a relationship on facebook.

Will it ever be enough?

On Wednesday night, I headed over to Gamer's place. We had planned to go bowling but it ended up being too late. So we played mario on her wii for a little while. Then I sang a couple of songs for her with her guitar that I wrote years ago. We made out and I left. I felt awful on the drive home from her house. Why? Because I knew that I was going to hurt her. At this point, there is absolutely no way for me to not cause her pain. I know she isn't right for me. Dating her will never be enough for me.

I know that the right answer of what I should do is tell her right away. I should call her up and just explain that I think she is really cool but it just doesn't feel right. That would hurt her less than dragging it out, right? But I am not sure if I am going to do that. A part of me, a very large part, wants to just drag it out. Slowly start hanging out with her less and less and hope she meets some other guy and can reject me in favor of him. This is exactly what happened with Pulse and probably what I am most comfortable with. But it isn't right and I know it.

I like Gamer. She is cool to hang out with. She is very spunky. She is very unique. She collects action figures, loves video games, plays guitar and is fun to be around. It just isn't enough.

Punch-Out!!

Simpson and I went out last night. She almost canceled the date at the last minute cause she had to take her mom to her sister's place (her mom is in from out of town and doesn't have a car here). The conversation went really well. One thing about Simpson is that I feel very comfortable around her. She is smart enough to have a decent conversation with but not so smart as to be self aware (which usually leads to awkwardness). At the end of the date, I didn't find myself laying in bed thinking about her. I don't feel inspired to write a song about her. I want to go out with her again. I just don't feel that extra umph. That unexplainable something that you feel with some people and don't feel with others. We made plans to do something on Saturday.

Today I rememberd that I had already made plans for Saturday with UpsideDown. UpsideDown and I used to work together many years ago. She found me on the facebook and I thought it would be fun to hang out. I don't know how serious I am/could be about dating UpsideDown because she has several kids and we never really clicked that well. I am gonna try and move the hang out with UpsideDown to Friday so I can do the date with Simpson on Saturday.

Notes: I told FormerLesbian that I would go running with her today. The poor girl is suffering from depression and I think she really needs some friends. Pulse told me she was hanging out with her exboyfriend. Since then, she has been fairly distant. In fact, she didn't even respond to my last text. On Sunday, I talked for a few seconds to this girl Filer. I have kinda known Filer for over a year. She is good friends with TheFlake. Filer looked really good at church and I found myself wanting to date her. The problem is, Filer taught TheFlake everything she knows about how to flirt with boys but keep them at arms length. It's like trying to beat Mike Tyson in Punch-Out!! before you are able to beat Don Flamenco. You are outmatched and in way over your head.

Omens

I have been reading this book about omens called The Alchemist. It has gotten me to thinking about some of the omens in my own life. Or what I perceive as omens. A couple of days I got a really bad feeling about Spinster. Nothing had really happened. But I was suddenly nervous to call her or text her. I called and left a message and she never responded. Yesterday, I sent a text and she responded back that she had gotten the voicemail but was at her sister's and then it was late. She said she was sorry. That was it. I have probably started 10 times to write a text back to her but nothing has come. I guess it's cause I am delaying the inevitable. I already know in my heart that Spinster is done with me. I talked to littlebrother about this once and he was of the opinion that this is bullcrap. That I am getting nervous because of something in my own head. He believes there is no such thing as omens.

As I look back at my dating life, I can't think of a single bad omen that I have felt that didn't turn out to be true. You could argue that they are self fulfilling prophecies but I disagree. I got a bad feeling about a girl and a day or two later, she would call me and tell me she just wasn't interested. How is that a self fulfilling prophecy?

I have had a strange omen about Pulse lately. Today she got on facebook and told me that she has been talking to her ex and might start seeing him again. She felt compelled to tell me. I kinda already knew. I expected it to be a little more harsh than that (because Pulse said she still wants to date me) but the omen was correct. You can disagree with me about whether omens are real or not but I think you need to have read the book before you formulate your arguments. Should I put more weight on omens? In other words, should I start following my gut more?

Ummm like, so like Ohmygosh!

The other night, BFD and I went on a date. She came over to my house and we hopped into my car and headed to a local sporting event. I can not believe how much BFD annoyed me on this date. It was like every 10 seconds, an alarm went off in her head to say something really ignorant and pointless. I wish I had written these things down because I have forgotten most of them. If you would have been there, you would have rolled your eyes so many times. A couple of times, I looked around to see if maybe anyone else had heard what she said and was laughing at us. A couple of times I wanted to look at her and say "wait a minute, are you serious? Did you really just say that?" She is going on a cruise this week but she couldnt name any of the places they were going. She was like "umm, I think it's like the nederlands." During the date she asked what else our plans were cause she wanted to go to the gym that night to get her body "bikini ready" for her cruise but thought maybe we could go hottubbing afterwards. I was thinking to myself that there was no way I wanted to spend even more time with this girl after the sporting event. She pointed out that the bra she was wearing made her breasts appear two cup sizes larger than they really were. She wasn't going to bring that bra on the cruise cause she didn't want people to see her in her swimsuit and then get confused when she wore normal clothes and was totally busting out.

We started talking about weight a little (I am sure she brought it up so don't judge me). She told me how she isn't ever going to be overweight cause it isn't in her genes. I asked a little about her parents. Turns out her dad is in decent shape and her mom is obese. She pointed out a very large woman and said that her mom had that body type. Umm, what part of "genes" do you not understand? Every time that BFD says something stupid, she kinda does this obnoxious laugh too. Like she thinks she is just so funny. The date couldn't end fast enough.

Notes: I haven't really talked to Spinster much this week. I kinda felt a little awkward at the end of our last date and when littlebrother texted me on Monday to say he was at the same party as her, I sorta got my hopes down a little. I am thinking maybe I will call her on Sunday. I sent Pulse a couple texts this week but I didn't really feel like planning anything.

Week in review

I had a really busy week last week and wasn't able to write at all. On Wednesday, I had a date planned with BFD. I ended up working late (til 10:30) and had to cancel on her. BFD seemed ok with it. On Thursday, I went out with Pulse. It was really fun. We ate at IHOP, went to the bookstore and then watched Taken at my house. She hadn't seen it and was totally freaking out throughout the whole movie. Pulse is just really cool. Everytime I talk to Steve-O, he totally thinks that I need to date Pulse.

On Friday night, I had a date with Fiesta. I met Fiesta last summer at a cabin trip and we became facebook friends. We chat from time to time and I just felt like asking her out. We had dinner and went to a movie. Nothing too exciting. Fiesta is pretty cool but I already know that I don't have any interest in dating her. She is pretty and fun but she lives far away, is not LDS and there are just too many moments where the conversation sort of dies between us and I have to struggle to revive it.

On Saturday, I had a date with Spinster. She met me at my house and we drove out to my friend Crack's place for dinner and games. Crack and I have been friends for many many years. As we were driving out there, I decided to ask Spinster a few questions. I was just fishing a little about what she had done with her life thus far and Spinster dropped a bomb on me. She was married. Ok, it isn't that big of a bombshell. When she was 20, she was married for about a year. The whole thing just intimidates me though. Why? Well, for one, it makes me wonder if she is really not interested in a relationship (because maybe she has trust issues). It also makes me wonder if everything I do is somehow compared to some guy from many years ago (even though he failed, he initially succeeded). I felt a bit of a disconnect with Spinster.

We drove back to my house and although it was early, it was probably too late to start a movie (and maybe attempt to cuddle or initiate some kind of physical contact) but early enough that we had to do something. Spinster and I played a few round of MarioKart on my Super Nintendo. It was way fun. She wasn't horrible at it. Then she took off. There was a short hug. Knowing that Spinster was married kinda makes me way more nervous to try anything with her. I am not ready to kiss her anyway.

I was a little bummed (cause it was Saturday night, it was like 10:00 and I was sitting at home playing video games). Steve-O came home and said he was going to this western bar to meet some girl. He invited me along. We got all dressed up in our cowboy gear (well, my cowboy gear, I let Steve-O borrow a belt buckle and a cowboy shirt and a cowboy hat) and headed out in my truck. The place looked empty from the outside but was bustling on the inside. Tons of cowboys, a mechanical bull and cowgirls. I have always had a special place in my heart for cowgirls. Lilo was kinda a cowgirl and the way she spoke drove me crazy (in both the positive and negative aspects).

A good friend of me and Steve-O named Feldman met us there. Feldman has no fear. A few years ago, Feldman was engaged to be married. He showed up at the temple with all his friends and family on the day of the wedding. They waited. And waited some more. He called his fiance and finally got a hold of her. She was not coming. Nor was her family. Nor did they ever intend to come. The receptionhouse had not been booked. Announcements had not been sent. After going through a day like that, Feldman is the kind of guy who has no fear. No matter what happens, it won't ever be as bad as that day. While Steve-O was cuddling with some chick in the corner, Feldman and I country-danced it up with a couple of girls. It was a lot of fun. I just felt so rejuvenated by it. The girls probably weren't Mormon and one of them told Feldman she had a boyfriend but it was a good night for me. I think Mormon girls play this game with dating that non-Mormon girls do not play. It's like all Mormon girls are naturally suspicious of everything I do. Sometimes I get really tired of it. At the end of most dates with Mormon girls, I feel like a bit of a limp noodle. But after dancing with those girls, I felt like such a stud. I had my truck. I had my belt buckle. I had my Wrangler jeans. I had my cowboy hat. I had my cowboy shirt. I felt pretty good.

Suggestions to improve the mormon dating scene

So the weekend is approaching and I haven't done anything to "drop" BFD or Pulse. Pulse is out of town this weekend visiting her sister who is an actress in this HBO series. BFD texted me the other night suggesting we do something this weekend. I decided to give it one more serious chance with her so we are going out on Saturday. Tonight, my buddy Chief and I are going to play video games with some girls. Chief was one of my good friends in undergrad. I was the best man at his wedding. Chief''s wife MrsChief and I are good friends too. I have to admit though, I really don't understand their relationship. Chief is going to some girl's house to play video games on a friday night without MrsChief. Two girls, two boys, double date right? Anyway, I think he wants to sort of set me up with one of the girls that works with him.

A week or so ago, I started messaging Spinster on Facebook. As you might remember, Spinster and I had a decent first date back in January and then Spinster got a boyfriend while I was on my cruise. I was basically just fishing. She responded back and forth several times and I finally felt comfortable enough to ask when we might go on our second date. She told me she and this guy had just broken up and that we ought to. So, we have plans for next Friday. Spinster is doing her student teaching right now and she is a physical trainer at a gym - both definite plusses. However, Spinster is also very attractive and gets asked out quite regularly.

I have been thinking about how to change the mormon dating scene. Here are a few off the cuff suggestions.

1. No more limits on who you can date. If a girl has dated my best friend or met my best friend at a party or whatever, this should not preclude me from dating her. I don't care if my best friend liked her or still likes her. People should not be that territorial. Potential advantages: Opens up dating a lot more. You tend to meet the people your friends date so why not be able to date those people? Potential disadvantages: Guys at the top of their game will poach more. This rule tends to benefit those guys and girls more that are higher up on the mormon dating food chain.

2. A small get together social network. Instead of paying for a dating service, how about paying for a small-get together service. It basically takes two groups of friends and matches them up for an evening hang out. I think something like this would help us actually meet people. You and your friends commit to these hang outs for two hours. It matches groups together and facilitates actually meeting peole. Kinda like speed dating for hang outs. Potential advantages: Meet lots more people. Easier to get a number in a hang out environment than in a dark dance club. Potential disadvantages: Could become a feeding ground for NCMO. Also, it might be kinda like family home evening: only the people who need help dating actually go. Thus, it might be overrun with less attractive guys and girls.

3. A free online dating service. Facebook is free. Why can't there be a dating service that is free? How about a simple facebook application for this? It only attempts to match you with people who meet your basic requirements. Potential advantages: Easier to meet people. Less likely to spend many hours writing messages to people who aren't paying for the service and can't read your messages. Potential disadvantages: People naturally take better care of things that they pay for. If they aren't paying, they may not be as dedicated to it.

More to come (potentially).

I know you're out there somewhere

BFD had a friend that needed a date on Friday so I brought along Milo. Having her friend and my friend there only seemed to amplify the awkward that is BFD. Milo was explaining some things about his ethnic origin and I could just see BFD's eyes glaze over. I don't know if it was too intellectually challenging for her or if she really just didn't care about some central European country and the politics there. I was annoyed that she wouldn't give my friend more respect.

After dinner, we went and saw that new Gerard Butler/Jennifer Aniston movie "The Bounty Hunter." Do not go see this movie. Ok, the movie wasn't bad. It just wasn't at all good. I think BFD liked it. The concept of the movie is just dumb. And somehow they expect us to believe that these people ever were in love or ever could be in love again.

I didn't hold hands with BFD or kiss her. In fact, she put on lip gloss while I was still finishing my dinner AND on the drive back to her house. It's not just that BFD doesn't have some of the things that I think are really important, she hardly has any of the things that I think are important.

On Saturday, I went on a date with Pulse. We were cuddling at her apartment near the end of the date. I came to the full blown realization then that I really have almost no feelings for Pulse. I care for her as a friend but the romantic interest simply is not there. I felt so dishonest for taking her on dates and stuff when I just wasn't interested.

So now I find myself at a crossroads. Should I keep going out with either Pulse or BFD to see if feelings develop? Or should I stop asking either of them out and wait for the next wave of girls that may or may not come?

The Next Round

So I went on my third date with BFD on Friday night. Sometimes it is just so awkward being around her. I am starting to wonder if maybe she isn't trying to make things awkward. Maybe she really is that awkward. I think the conversation with BFD is lacking a good percentage of the time. I just don't know what to talk about with her.

After seeing the comedian, we went to this dessert place that I really like and then watched "Can't Hardly Wait" at my house. In case you didn't know, I derived the name Tripp Hazard partially from this movie. There is a scene where Tripp McNeely (Jerry O'Connell) comes over to the high school party. He graduated a year ago. He was the big man on campus in high school and he "can't even get digits as a freshman." He talks about how he tried to get back with his high school girlfriend but "she was all comfortable with some senior. He's a pre-med... they're all pre-meds." When I first saw this movie, I felt like Tripp McNeely and I had the same problem but on opposite spectrums. He was on one side (the former high school jock) looking across at the smart guys thinking they were getting all the girls and I was on the other side (the former high school nerd) looking across at all the athletes thinking they were getting all the girls. It just clicked for me.

I ended up kissing BFD on the couch while watching the movie. Tripp McNeely would have been so proud. Me? Not so much. I really don't think I could marry BFD. It would just be too much of a compromise. Still, kissing BFD was pretty nice. She is decent kisser (she ought to be with all her experience). I am not ready to throw in the towel with her yet but I am not super excited about it either.

On Saturday, Charlie sent me a text canceling cause her babysitter couldn't come and she needed to show her house to a buyer. To be honest, I was a little relieved. I was kinda dreading a third date with Charlie. Our phone conversation had been so lacking that I wasn't sure I could handle all the work it would take to go on a full date with her. I texted back saying it was no big deal. I think we can safely say that I won't be asking Charlie out on any more dates.

On Sunday, Pulse came over to watch a movie. The conversation with Pulse is almost never lacking. We just click. The more time I spend with her, the more I like her even though we hardly see eye to eye on anything. Pulse is pretty cool though.

Today while eating lunch, I ran into Sidehug. I went on a few dates with Sidehug but she was kinda awkward and at the end of one of the dates, she gave me a side hug which sorta made me think she had zero interest. Sidehug has put on a little weight but she still looked pretty good. I think maybe I will try and ask her out. I sent her a message on the facebook today.

Third dates for everyone!

My date with BFD was pretty fun. I decided to hold her hand during the movie. Can I just say that watching a 3D movie is absolute awfulness. Please remind me in the future any time I think "I should watch a movie in 3D." My love of movies ends where 3D movies begin.

We grabbed dinner after the movie and had an interesting chat. The topic of kissing came up. BFD told me she was a lip slut. Then she told me that I should guess how many boys she had kissed. I guessed 74. I was way low. She said she has kissed approximately 290 different boys. 290!!! I laughed so hard. I was only off by about 220 in my guessing. There were a couple of awkward moments at dinner. Sometimes I just don't know what to talk about with BFD. The conversation doesn't always just flow. Some of the time I think she is just trying to be awkward but some of the time, I think she really is just awkward. Maybe so many guys have kissed her because the conversation got awkward and they decided they would get rid of the awkardness by kissing. I know I have done that in the past.

I asked BFD to go see a comedian with me for this Friday. It should be fun but if some of the awkwardness doesn't wear off, I am not sure how many dates I can go on with her. After dinner, we were walking and BFD kissed me on the cheek. Before my mission, I went out on a few dates with a girl we'll call Jonesy. I really liked Jonesy. After seeing a movie, I walked her to her door. She said how much fun she had and then kissed me on the cheek. I had made out with several girls before that but nothing compared to the euphoria I experienced from that kiss on the cheek. I drove home in a haze. I am not sure I could have passed a sobriety test because I was drunk from that kiss. Nothing ever happened with Jonesy. She made it almost impossible to go on another date until a few weeks before my mission, when she told me she just wasn't looking for a relationship.

BFD's kiss didn't send me into a state of Euphoria. I could have kissed BFD for sure but I didn't. I am not even sure I want to. Five years ago, I would have just made out with BFD and never called her again. But now, with everyone telling me to keep dating girls that I don't immediately click with, I am going on a third date with her. It just doesn't feel like progress.

Last night I randomly decided to call Charlie. Talk about another awkward conversation. Charlie is a total talker and yet our phone call felt like I was running uphill in the snow where your feet sink in with every step. I really don't feel like I have anything in common with Charlie. I tried so hard to find some common ground last night. Still, in my new resolution to step it up and go out with girls I don't like, I asked Charlie out for a third date. I am not particularly looking forward to it. So, Friday, third date with BFD. Saturday, third date with Charlie.

I talked to Pulse a bit yesterday. I have to admit that my interest in Pulse has waned a little more. I never felt super interested in her. I definitely like spending time with her but I am not at all driven to enter a relationship with her. It is yet to be determined when we will next hang out. I chatted with FormerLesbian the other day. She seemed pretty down on herself. I felt really bad. I think she really just needs some good friends. We agreed to watch a movie sometime and eat girl scout cookies.

Gorillas and swag

On Saturday, Pulse and I made out. It was a pretty good make out. We had just finished watching the crappy movie that we rented. Then, last night at a ward activity, I saw her there. It wasn't awkward or anything, I just didn't run up to her and start holding her hand in front of everyone. Today, I received a facebook message from her saying that she is not going to kiss me anymore until/unless we are in an established relationship. Basically, she likes me but thinks that neither of us know if we like each other enough yet to justify kissing. I really don't know how to respond to that. Should I tell her that I won't go out with her anymore unless she agrees to let the kissing continue? Should I consider her defensive stance a preemptive strike and respond accordingly by discontinuing to date her? I like Pulse but I am nowhere near entering a committed relationship with her.

Other notes: I have a date tonight with BFD. It should be interesting. We are just going to see Alice in Wonderland. I don't intend to do anything after that. I don't plan on kissing her or holding her hand during the movie but she is a bit more aggressive than I am used to. Last night I met a girl named Nascar that I would totally like to take out. She is older than me but seems way fun. I was with Cowboy, Sugarloaf and Tweak when I met her. I think Cowboy had some interest in her too though. Cowboy is sort of like lil'wayne. He just exudes swag. Girls love swag. The thing about swag is that you can't fake it. You either have it or you don't. It's like walking into a gorilla cage. If the gorilla can sense even the tiniest weakness or fear in you, it is gonna tear your head off. Girls are the same way. They can sense a fake swag and they will react violently to it.

Big Freaking Deal

On Thursday, I had my first date with BFD. It was really fun. BFD is kinda goofy. There were a couple times during the date where I really wondered if she was just messing with me by trying to be weird. Littlebrother and RunsWithScissors both think that me dating a goofy girl just makes more sense. I wonder if I should take that as an insult...

After dinner, BFD and I went to my house and played some Super Nintendo. Then we kinda cuddled on the couch and watched an episode of Big Love. At one point, we held hands but it was super awkward cause BFD initiated it and I wasn't sure if we were really holding hands or just trying to be funny. On the date, BFD said something about kissing on first dates. The way she said it implied that she wanted me to kiss her that night. I think the word to describe BFD is quirky. On the drive after dinner, she pulled out a little flosser thing and flossed her teeth. She initiated a "thumb war" after awkwardly holding my hand for a minute. I think I could have kissed her at the end of the date but I wasn't ready for that yet. Plus, she had put on lip junk earlier on in the date and I wasn't sure if it had been sufficiently removed at that point. Still, it was a good date.

On friday, BFF, our good friend TheCWord and I went to dinner. It was fun. We played rockband after. I used to have a crush on TheCWord like 4 years ago.

On saturday, I picked up pizza and a movie with Pulse. It was almost impossible for Pulse and I to select a movie that we both wanted to watch. As I have said before, Pulse and I basically come from completely different worlds. Still, it was fun to hang out with her.

On sunday, I went to a new ward. I refer to this ward as the singles graveyard. Thing is, the ward I have been going to has tons of attractive girls but I hardly seem to meet any people there. Part of the problem is the size; the ward had several hundred people. Another problem is that a lot of the kids live at home so they aren't really driven to meet people at church. They live around all their friends from high school. In fact, a lot of their old friends from high school go to the same ward. I am so tired of it. I feel like I have to run twice as fast as everyone else to just compete. I met a couple of cool girls in the singles graveyard on my first day. I really shouldn't base my decision for what ward to attend on the number of attractive single girls in the ward. So this new ward might be really good for me.

This week, I am going to see Alice in Wonderland with BFD tomorrow night. I have tickets to a comedy show this weekend. I will see how my date with BFD goes tomorrow night before choosing who to ask.

Avatar in 3D or dinner with a former NBA player

On Saturday, Pulse and I went to see Avatar. It was the 3D version. Pulse definitely looked better on Saturday than she had on other days. After the movie, Pulse and I went to this local brewery to get some pizza. At times, the conversation was a little awkward. Pulse is a bit of a tree hugger. She is a vegetarian. She works for a non profit organization. She has a very idealistic view of the world. I am not quite so idealistic. I am more of a realist. I think that saving the environment is great but most of the efforts are misguided and unrealistic. Anyway, I worry about choosing my words around Pulse because she might get offended or become defensive. But our discussion over dinner went really well. Obviously, we disagree about nearly everything but I decided to not worry about it as much.

After filling my belly with pizza, I was feeling pretty good. It seemed a shame to just let the night end there. So Pulse came over to my house and I broke out the old super nintendo. We played one of my absolute most favorite games: Tetris 2. When I lived alone, I used to play this game for hours at a time because I didn't have cable tv or internet access. I was on level 10 and Pulse was on level 2 and I consistently beat her. But when she went to level 1, she managed to pull off a couple of nice wins. It was really fun. Too often, I think we have our guard up on dates. We go through the motions of dinner and a movie and a doorstep scene and those interactions typically lead to me liking a girl less, not more. However, playing Tetris 2 with Pulse made me see her competitive side. It definitely made me like her more.

Pulse and I then cuddled on the couch. I hadn't planned on making out with Pulse. It just happened. But I didn't feel guilty like I did with TheWriter. With TheWriter, I think I had already made up my mind about her before we made out. With Pulse, I haven't made up my mind yet. It was fun. And it didn't feel super awkward afterward.

Yesterday BFF and I went to her dad's house for dinner. Her dad was trying to set her up with a former NBA basketball player that lived in his stake. It was lots of fun. The former NBA'er was really cool. Some of my old friends from law school were there. I felt particularly confident and witty. I am thinking the NBA'er might ask BFF out on a date. That would be so awesome.

"I could get married tomorrow if I just lowered my standards."

On Friday, I had my much anticipated second date with Charlie. I met up with Sugarloaf and his date at a local Thai restaurant. The food was delicious but the conversation lulled a couple of times with her. I know that I should like Charlie. She is pretty. However, every guy has different tastes and mine is just not that partial to her. She runs marathons. She is touchy feely. She really likes board games. We ended up at Sugarloaf's place playing an Olympic Wii game. Charlie wasn't very good at video games but at least she was willing to try. At the end of the date, I hugged her and said "see you soon."

Honestly, I am really trying to like Charlie. What I mean is that I am giving her more chances than I normally would. I want to like her. It would make life so much easier. Of course there would be difficulties with having an "instant" family but that is not what worries me. What worries me is that I am not gaga for her. I tried to explain this to Littlebrother yesterday at church. Suprisingly, Littlebrother was extremely critical of me. "What the HELL are you talking about?" was his response. I think this was because I used the word "love" instead of "gaga." But, if you have read this blog, you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Some of the girls I have really liked were not girls my friends found attractive at all. I can't explain it, sometimes I am attracted to a girl and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I feel a connection with a girl and sometimes I do not.

Once Littlebrother got mad at me, it just really pissed me off. Why should I have to explain to him whether I like a girl or not? I think I was a little mad at Littlebrother because he had a blind date on Saturday night over and I thought the girl was very pretty (but also very self centered and immature). I know that Littlebrother doesn't have any interest in her other than just a hook-up and that just pisses me off more. He has some really great options that I don't have and he chooses to just piss them away.

On Saturday, I met up with Pulse for a late breakfast. I decided that I am not really attracted to Pulse. But I am still drawn to her. Part of the problem with Pulse is that she has really blond hairs on her face. I know girls probably don't think that guys notice this type of thing, but let me tell you, WE DO! And once we have seen a girl with some facial hair, it's hard to get rid of that image. So even if the facial scruff is never seen again, well, you only get one chance to make a first impression. I think I will hang out with Pulse again but I am just vocalizing that I am not interested in her for a relationship. I am sure you are saying that instead of wasting my time with another friend that is a girl, I should be hanging out with potential relationship girls. But there aren't any.

On a side note, have you read the Mormon Bachelor Pad blog? There was a post today about a 27 year old mormon bachelor that was picking a fight with them. I found it hilarious. For as much crap as Calvin and Jake get, they sure seem to have a lot of followers and a lot of people wanting to comment on their posts. I was a bit annoyed with all the girls who commented saying "this guy is 27 and mormon and single so he obviously is a loser." It reminded me of a comment my ex girlfriend from law school once said. "I could get married tomorrow if I just lowered my standards a little." I guess the same could be said for all of us. What a wench she was.

Old dating memories

I just recently heard the song "Need you now" by Lady Antebellum. Yeah, I am a little slow. But for the moment, it is my favorite song. I think I have listened to it 20 or 30 times in the last week. I still crave it. The song reminds me a lot of past relationships.

Brooke - The first girl I dated when I got home from my mission. She was a southern girl. I had only been home for 4 days when we went on our first date. In fact, she came to see me at my homecoming and we held hands. I seriously thought she was the one. Just as quick as it started, the relationship died. Brooke was living in another state with my sister and contemplating a nanny job in Germany. She decided that the Germany job was right for her and she didn't want to get too attached. She moved to Germany and married a guy there.

Amy - Amy was the second girl I dated after my mission. She was this spunky confident girl that dated lots. I somehow mustered up the courage to ask her out. I wrote several songs about dating her including "Amy Dirt" and "Empty." I didn't have a job while I was dating her so I had lots of time to sit around and play my guitar. She told me I needed a haircut and I grew my hair out for over a year to prove her wrong. Amy named my first car. When she left for the summer, I knew it was over. I would have followed Amy anywhere but she wouldn't let me.

Stephanie - The kinda-girlfriend of one of my mission companions. He told me to take her out but I think he was joking. Our first date was to a crappy Ben Affleck movie. I held her hand. I wrote several songs about dating her including "Until I'm gone." I knew she was struggling with whether it was ok to date me or not. I had long hair. I listened to rock music. Her parents totally did not approve. I sent her flowers one day. Big yellow ones to show I cared. She called me, said thanks for the flowers, and then broke up with me. When my companion came home 6 months later, they started dating and were married less than a year after I dated her. I had lunch with them a month ago. They have three kids.

Mindy - I dated Mindy a couple of times right before Christmas that year. She was my roommate's cousin. We went to the Nutcracker and I felt like I was the king of the world holding her hand. She was the prettiest girl I had ever dated (still holds true today). Spunky and fun with curly blonde hair, I nearly failed a math class in college staying up talking to her the night before my final. We watched The Shawshank Redemption and held hands the first night we met. I lay in bed for hours after she left. Just before Christmas, Mindy told me she was planning on going on a mission (she was 18, girls have to be 21 to go on a mission) and that it was pointless to have any serious relationships before that. She moved back with her parents. That May, she got married to some guy she met while working at a cheap restaurant. It hurt more than I can possibly convey.

Dating is hard. I know some people might think that I fall way too fast for girls (TheCaptain) but I don't see it that way. Every time I fall for a girl, I worry that I won't fall again. That I will never feel as strong about another girl as I did about the last one. In less than one year home from my mission, I fell in love four times and was burned four times. In the past year, I have not fallen in love once. Some of the happiest times in my entire life were when I was dating Brooke, Amy, Stephanie and Mindy. Maybe they wouldn't have made me happy in the long run but I will never know. It hurt when they burned me but I would gladly risk it again.

Notes: On Saturday night, I called up Pulse to go see Sherlock Holmes with me. I met Pulse on the cruise and we clicked. Pulse is a bit of a weirder girl though. Vegetarian animal lover working at a non-profit. On Saturday, I received a text from Spinster. She said she had started dating someone while I was on my cruise. I am pretty sure I called that one before I left on the cruise. I wrote Swift a message today on facebook.