Two First Dates (plus ratings!)

I didn't go on any dates for the last month. Not necessarily by choice. I just didn't have any girls I felt like taking out. And I had plenty of other things to distract me (including NASCAR races). Last week, I decided to ask out this girl Basketball. I met Basketball a few months ago in my ward. We have been emailing back and forth for a little while. I was a little hesitant to take Basketball out because she is in my ward and because she knows Princess.

My first impression of Basketball was that she is the kind of girl that doesn't get asked out a ton. So I was worried that the date might be a bit awkward. It wasn't at all. Basketball and I had a great conversation. I was surprised to find out that she is a registered democrat. We had plenty to talk about during dinner. After dinner, we went to my house to just hang out (since I had only really planned dinner). Basketball seemed really relaxed and fun to hang out with. It was one of the most comfortable dates I have been on in a long time.

On Saturday, I had a date planned with Joust. A mutual friend gave me Joust's phone number. We texted a little but I quickly got frustrated with Joust's texting style. Joust is an elementary school teacher and it sorta bothered me that she would text stuff like "u? lol, idk." But after discussing this with some friends, I decided that I couldn't prejudge her for something as dumb as grammar in texts. Joust had a St. Patrick's Day party to attend that night so we just met for dinner. In a lot of ways, I think the idea of just taking a girl to dinner (without an activity) is a much better first date. It gives you a chance to get to know someone a little without having to spend gobs of time with them.

I called Joust on the phone to get directions and she was super awkward on the phone. It definitely put me off. Luckily, Joust was better at going on dates than she was at talking on the phone and texting. About 10 minutes into the date, I was very worried that Joust wasn't going to ask me a single question. Finally, Joust broke down and asked some questions about my job. At that point, it felt like we were able to have a real conversation. Nothing flowed as well with Joust as it did with Basketball but I did have fun with Joust. By the end of the date, I felt that Joust was starting to show some interest. Plus, she texted me a few times after the date, which is always a good sign.

First date with Basketball: 7 Chance of second date: High

First date with Joust: 6 Chance of second date: High

The similarities between Princess and Jewel

I went out with Jewel twice last week. I didn't kiss her after either date. Why? Because I discovered last week that I like her. I am not sure when it happened or how it happened. I just found myself thinking that I would rather go out with Jewel than do something on my own. I found myself thinking about her during the day. I was upset about her smugness about California. You see, Jewel is from California and she always tells me how great it is there. She goes there to visit her mother every other weekend. I think my realization that Jewel likes California more than she likes me was what made me realize that I liked Jewel. Along with liking her came an odd side effect: I started worrying about her leaving. I had flashbacks to dating Princess years ago.

For the first 6 weeks of dating Princess, I was unsure about her. She was pretty but I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her. Princess was a bit uppity and at the time, I held myself out to be a very regular guy. After all, I was driving a truck for a living. After each of our dates, as I drove home, I considered not calling or seeing her again. I felt as if Princess liked me more than I liked her. And then in an instant, everything changed. Princess informed me that her ex-boyfriend was coming back from an internship and she was going on a date with him that weekend. She said that because we had never discussed our "relationship" she was free to go out with him and maybe even kiss him. The following morning, I left on an interstate job. Over the next few days, I worked 80 hours. Most of the time was spent by myself in the truck on the open road. Nothing to think about except Princess. And losing her. Such was the beginning of the end. Our relationship didn't end that weekend. Instead, it was on life support for 6 weeks. I guess I can understand when a family keeps a loved one on life support long after the doctors have told them it's over. I fought desperately to get back what I had lost but in the end, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. What happened with Princess that summer 6 years ago still haunts me.

So when I started liking Jewel, I felt her pulling away. I saw the future. I can't relax around her. It's as if I feel smothered by her sudden lack of interest. But did she change? Probably not. Over the past few days, I realized that Jewel can break my heart.

Waves of notalgia

I am not sure if it's the fact that I am listening to "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert or that I just finished reading some of the real story behind Mormon Bachelor Pad or the fact that I kissed House for the first time a few days ago or that I recently turned 30 but I am feeling very nostalgic.

The past 9 years have been crazy. I quite literally went out on dates with over 200 different women. I had the worst first date of my life (she said partway through the date "You know what Tripp, sometimes you just need to learn when to shut up!"), I had the best first date of my life (thus far) with a girl named Mindy to the Ballet. I watched girls come and go in my life. Some of the girls I used to date have married friends and I have seen a glimpse into their lives that I don't usually see. Others have disappeared and I may never see what became of them. There are lots of girls that I have been on a date with that I wouldn't recognize if I passed them on the street. I am not sure they would recognize me either. There are a few that I could spot from 100 yards away. Some I would approach and strike up a conversation. Others I am sure I would hide if I saw them. In fact, the last time I saw Princess at the mall, I hid to make sure she didn't see me.

I guess it makes me sad to think about all of the missed chances and blown opportunities. I fell in love at times when I shouldn't. I didn't fall in love at times when I should have. I cried with girls and I made girls cry. As I remember it, I cried more than the girls but it's hard to really know how much a girl is crying over you when you aren't there. I have treated girls better than they deserved to be treated and others much worse than they deserved. I have kissed girls that I didn't like and not kissed girls that I really liked. I have even told girls "I love you" when I didn't mean it and remained silent when I should have said "I love you."

I have been far from perfect in dating. I would like to think that I always had the best of intentions but I know that sometimes I did not. I felt sorry for myself when a girl didn't like me but I never thought twice when I didn't like a girl and she liked me.

And now, I have never felt further away from falling in love. I like House and think the world of her. If I married her, we would be happy. She would make my life better. But she deserves someone that loves her. Someone that really loves her. And I don't. I know what it's like to fall in love cause I have been in love. It wasn't perfect and I screwed it up but I felt it.

I had a dream on Tuesday night about House. I dreamed that we were friends and that she told me that she was getting married. I was confused and realized that I was in love with her. I was disturbed that what I wanted had been in front of me all along. The dream really affected me. So I decided I needed to try with House.

Sometimes I think I am more broken than I like to admit. I have taken a beating from dating. I am not innocent. Just damaged goods. "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself..." Here's to hoping.

The first time I just knew (part 3)

I was devastated. How could I have let the most important thing in my life slip right through my fingers? I couldn't focus on anything. I seriously was crying every night. I missed Lilo so much and I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to be with me. Nevertheless, life moved on. Two weeks later, I took the LSAT. I remember the day distinctly. I kicked some serious trash on that test and then went home, crawled into my bed, and cried myself to sleep. I didn't want to go to law school. I didn't want to go to normal school. I just wanted Lilo back.

On Christmas day, Lilo called me. To be honest, Christmas was the first day I had really felt ok since our breakup. It was almost as if Lilo could sense that I was finally starting to heal and she found this unacceptable. A few days later, she called me late one evening after she had been on a date and asked if she could come over. I accepted. She talked about how the date was not fun and how the entire time she had wished that she was there with me instead of him. We ended up making out that night. A few days later, she asked me to stop by her apartment and visit her. We made out again. Then, about a day or two later, she told me that the make outs had meant nothing to her - she was just proving to herself that she was over me. It was so cruel. It was like she had somehow figured out a way to break my heart again.

Somehow, Lilo continued to keep her claws in my life over the next few months. We hung out occasionally or talked on the phone. We didn't hook up any more but she was always reminding me that she was there and that I had to deal with life without her. That summer, I started dating Princess. Princess was this accomplished and classy girl. My friends said she was a babe. Littlebrother said she was better looking than what you would expect for me. One night (and I am not proud of this) soon after Princess and I went on our first date, Lilo came over and we ended up making out. While we were making out, Lilo looked up at me, smiled, and said "I love you."

I felt guilty. I had been kissing Princess. I liked Princess quite a bit. I told Lilo that I was dating Princess. I know it probably hurt Lilo's feelings but what was I supposed to do? I never told Princess about it. I never felt the same connection with Princess that I felt with Lilo. However, dating Princess made so much more sense. She was much more intelligent than Lilo. I didn't feel the instant connection with Princess; it developed slowly over time.

About six weeks after Princess and I started dating, I was still unsure of whether I wanted to enter a serious relationship with her. I had my doubts. One night, we were hanging out and Princess informed me that her ex was coming into town the upcoming weekend and that she would be going on a date with him. I was surprised and unprepared. She told me that we hadn't defined our relationship and therefore, it was perfectly ok for her to go out with this guy. I asked her if she planned to kiss him and she said yes. I was devastated.

I was driving a truck interstate at the time and was going to be out of town for about a week. I spent every second of that trip thinking about Princess and this guy being together. Princess and I planned a date for that Saturday night. I called her and received no answer. The time for our date came and went with no response. I stressed out major. I decided to write her a letter explaining to her how much she meant to me. I dropped it off at her house with her little sister.

The next night, I still hadn't heard anything from Princess. She called me around 9 and said she was coming over to see me. At this point, I was extremely anxious about what Princess had to say to me. She told me that she loved the letter and that it was perfect. It meant a lot to me. She said she wasn't ready to date me exclusively but wanted to continue to spend time with me. I vowed to not let Princess slip through my fingers the way that Lilo had.