Mormon Bachelor Pad recently wrote a blog post about kissing a girl that had limited kissing skills. It reminded me of an experience I had a few years ago. HandsomeRob served his mission in Brazil and he knows tons of Brazilians. Oftentimes, HandsomeRob would invite me along to Brazilian parties that he was invited to. I didn't speak Portuguese so I often found myself in awkward situations at these parties.
One party had a karaoke machine. Everyone was having great fun singing popular Brazilian songs. A really cute Brazilian girl (lets call her Braza) was doing some of the singing. We flirted a bit. Braza spoke a bit of English but to say she was fluent in it would be a lie. We tried singing a duet of a popular Brazilian song but holy crap, that stuff moves fast and my Portuguese reading skills are probably on par with my Portuguese speaking skills. So we sang a duet of an English song. This is probably what led me to believe that Braza understood what I was saying. I was wrong.
We went to her apartment after the party to watch The Incredibles. I think this further persuaded me that Braza spoke fluent English. HandsomeRob played an excellent wingman by sitting on the floor while we watched the movie. We had drove there together so we didn't have lots of options. It took probably half the movie to get Braza to cuddle with me. It just wasn't very natural. But then, less than 5 seconds after starting to cuddle, Braza and I were making out. This was my first experience kissing a Brazilian.
So, we started kissing and here is what happened. Braza took her tongue, inserted it in my mouth and then stopped. I kid you not. She put her tongue inside my mouth like a dead anchovy and then she... did... nothing... It just kinda sat there. Don't get me wrong, I like having a cute girl's tongue in my mouth as much as the next guy. However, I don't so much enjoy having a cute dead girl's tongue in my mouth, which is what this felt like. Her tongue wasn't going cold, it just wasn't moving at all. I tried pushing her tongue out with my tongue but she was obviously practiced in the skill of tongue wrestling, rendering my tongue ineffective at removing her tongue. Finally, I pulled away in desperation.
Not wanting to disturb HandsomeRob (because I was grateful he was finally playing wingman to me - how many times I had sat there watching a movie while he macked on some chick? I lost count), I tried to quietly explain to Braza that a little less tongue would be appreciated. "Hey, uhh, Braza, I like kissing you, and uh, it's great, but could you maybe just use a little less tongue?" Her response of "OK" let me know she understood every word that came out of my mouth. I moved back in and we began making out. Braza wasted no time in again aggresively inserting her tongue into my mouth and claiming the territory as her own. I was growing a bit frustrated. I pulled away again. I seriously considered asking HandsomeRob for help but decided to try and explain again to Braza. "Hey, so, yeah, I am not sure if you understood me last time, and it's totally ok if you didn't, but anyway, I was kinda hoping maybe you could use less tongue. Would that be possible?" Again, Braza responded in the affirmative with "OK."
We started making out again. Third time is a charm right? Wrong. Braza took her tongue and placed it in my mouth like it was now her designated tongue parking spot. Then she took the keys with her and went into the mall (metaphorically speaking, really it just meant that she left the tongue there with no intention of moving it in the near future). I decided to take a more aggressive approach. So I bit down on Braza's tongue. I think I might have bitten a bit harder than intended. Let me tell you, Braza jerked away with a huge amount of shock in her eyes. I half expected her to come at me throwing punches. Maybe I had drawn blood. Then, Braza looked at me and sported a bit of a kinky smile and I knew I was done.
On the drive home, I learned from HandsomeRob that "o que" in Portuguese means "what?" I never called Braza again, because I realized we wouldn't be able to talk on the phone since we didn't speak the same language.
Miscarriage: My Story
6 months ago